800 open relationship members??

[Guest guest]

Ouch! Speaking of which, someone once showed me a gif that gave new meaning to 'on the phone'. Really ouch baby!Alex Iantaffi <alex.iantaffi wrote:

It sounds more of a swinging situation.... Not that there is anything wrong with swingers, of course. However, I would like to say I personally don't do 'clubs'. Just to clarify things, LOLBBAlex

On 03/11/05, Jonnie Hellens <jonnie_hellens wrote:

 

I dunno, once upon a time I didn't know it was a poly situtuation. I heard him mention his girlfriend but it wouldn't be one he was just talking about. Each knew the other and they also had other friends, etc. I figgered it out kinda quick. His club is shut down now, he was in a constant battle with the authorities cuz they didn't like a club where people could go and meet and 'enjoy' each others company in private or public. He got tired of the fight after one too many arrests. Hey, to each thier own I say, consenting adults and all that.

 

Not like once upon a time I went to visit my grandfather in Nevada, I was probably 15 or so. He took me home and introduced his wife and then later elsewhere introduced his fiance. I kinda got the idea they didn't know about each other, but I didn't ask. I was just confused and quiet.

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click.

[Guest guest]

Yeah, I've gone cross-eyed!jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

I meant wouldn't Jenine like it if she knew what happened with Rosa as presumably Rosa knew what had happened to her.

 

I'm confused again - I reckon monogomy is much easier on the brain.

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:45 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

not like that....

but different people react in different ways...

everyone knew each other...we'd all hang out together...

but jenine was my partner, not rosa's...

jo Nov 3, 2005 2:23 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Would you not tell her because she wouldn't like what happened?

 

Jo

 

so like...i would tell jenine that i went out with rosa the night before, and where we went..but i'm not gonna necessarily mention what happened later...tho i might with shana...

 

k? Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 1:35 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I'm guessing that communication is usually kept open? In other words, when you guys went exclusive, it was discussed and if one of you decided to no longer be exclusive, it would be discussed beforehand? When you are poly, do y'all also discuss your relationships with the different people? For instance, my daughter and I can discuss particular things with each other, but we may not necessarily discuss everything, not that we are hiding it or avoiding it, it just didn't come up. That sort of stuff. Or do you discuss everything in detail and that's part of the 'fun'? Again, it probably depends on the people involved and if I'm being too noisy, again, just tell me so. fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

i know you were askin alex

but

i think its gonna be different for different situations/relationships...

with me...when it was poly..some of my partners had other relationships, some didn't...

(before rebecca, two partners had a boyfriend, another considered our relationship *open*, one just considered me as her partner)

i suppose it all depends on what everyone is comfortable with and everyone is happy....

 

cheers

fraggle jo Nov 2, 2005 3:36 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 6:04 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I agree with fraggle on the individuality of poly relationships (or indeed any relationships! I also believe no two monogamous relationships are the same usually although there is more of a dominant discourse and therefore 'rules', etc.)Personally, I have been poly for six years. My life partner, Mike, is actually mainly monogamous. He shares the principles but, in his own words, is 'too lazy and lacks emotional depth' to bother with other partners :-) Currently, I only live with him. If I ever decided to live with another partner as well, which might well happen at some point, I figure we would all have to sit down and work out logistics. I imagine housework would be done as it is now, according to ability, time and preferences. As long as everyone feels they are contributing in some ways and not put upon, it should work, as indeed it does for other poly households I know. I think that sharing similar values and beliefs when living together is far more

important than who does the dishes :-)I hear what you are saying about family Anouk. I was born and raised in Italy, in a catholic family and my mother is Sicilian. My life choices are not exactly what my family dreamt for me :-) I suppose that I 'disappointed' my family well before coming out as poly by being out as queer (lesbian for a few years, then accepting my bisexuality, which was actually harder to face in some ways) and then as a witch. Not baptising my daughter is probably a far worse crime for my mother than having multiple partners! I am not saying it's easy to be out to my family and friends about my choices. I just cannot live a life of secrecy and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that there is anything wrong with my life choices or who I am and that's why I am out. Other people are not and I respect their right not to be as open. Jo, you ask some good questions and I would be very happy to chat about this face to face sometime,

if you like. For now, I'd say that for me it is possible to love more than one person. In fact most people love more than one person usually but they might just have sex with one person. I suppose I personally do not believe that I have to be sexually exclusive with one person or that I cannot have meaningful relationships with more than one person. I am a jealous person and it is not always easy to deal with issues such as insecurity, envy about time spent with other people, etc. However, it is the work of a lifetime. Knowing myself in all of my parts is my job both as a witch and a nearly qualified therapist. Being poly is challenging at times but it has also helped me to face many of my own demons. For me, being poly is also a political, as well as a personal issue. It means I can be more visibly queer despite living with a man and also that I can challenge institutions such as marriage, which are often used by society to promote a heteronormative discourse, that is values that

privilege heterosexual, monogamous relationships above all others. Relationships, which, sadly, often (not always!) reinforce gender division and stereotyping (not long ago marriage was a way to control women and property!). Having said that, I think monogamy is as wonderful a choice as polyamory or indeed as any shades in between the two. You and Colin having something great together, which is very obvious meeting you. I believe that I too have strong relationships with my partners, although sadly I am not always able to express my love opnely in order to respect their right to privacy. Finally (and I apologise as this has become a long post but it is a subject close to my heart), yes, some people happen to be in poly relationships because they fall in love with one person. Mike would probably not be in a poly relationship if I weren't poly. Does that mean I am 'imposing' my life style on him? Some of our acquaintances have suggested that in the past. I think it just means

that he is in love and wants to be with me. He accepts who I am just as I have to accept his choice of wanting only one child, whereas I would love more. Relationships are what is created by the people involved. In the immortal words of one of my favourites films, Bound, 'we make our own choices, pay our own prices'. Other people have in the past decided not to have a relationship with me because of my polyness. I have also decided not to have relationships with people in the past because of other incompatibilities (the most basic, smoking as I am a non-smoker). I suppose we know what we can and cannot live with when we love someone. Being in a relationship is always a step into the unknown to a certain degree, whether the relationship is mono or poly. Oh hum, I have waffled on the topic more than enough! Sorry. I hope some of it makes sense as my head is woolly today but I thought it was important to try and share some of my thoughts :-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote: that all depends on the person and his/her partnersi don't think any poly relationship is exactly like another....i've had both poly and open relationships...when rebecca and i first started seeing each other, i had several other gurlfriends...slowly..it just became me and her exclusive...will it stay that way?*shrug*dunno...we are happy together...but we have a very fluid and open relationship...and neither of us likes..um...conventionality to muchwotever happens...happenscheersfraggleheartwerk <jo.heartworkNov 1, 2005 11:53 PM Subject: Re: 800 members??Hi AnoukI can understand your parents point of view, and assume that they want what they consider to be the best for you. If they are happy in a one-to-one exclusive relationship, as I am, it would be hard to imagine that anything other situation could be as good for their children.I know it would not suit me. I love Colin very, very much. I would not be able to share him. I would rather be resigned to not having him at all than sharing him - that would prolong the agony for me - but I guess everyone is different.My own wonderings on poly relationships is whether sometimes a person may become involved because they love ~one~ person who is already in a relationship, and although it might not be ideal for them, they feel it is better than nothing. Is it

possible to love two or more people in a sexual way equally - or doesn't it matter to the participants? Do people in poly relationships always remain in poly relationships or do some of them eventually become exclusive - and does this cause hurt to the rest of the group? So many questions. Anyway - it is none of my business, but I am always interested in people.Jo , "Anouk Sickler" <zurumato@e...> wrote:>> <jonnie_hellens> wrote:> > Hi Alex. I remember you mentioned on another post that you have> multible partners. I'm assuming that is relationship partners? If> so, I'm wondering (and I think there are others here that also might> be able to answer) how work is divided. > > >

That's easy> the girl> is like a princess and the two guys just please her > just kidding!!> > > I have an open mind, but if I were to engage in lifelstyle > that is not the mainstream, I would have to work hard> to keep it a secret.> unfortunatley> it is sad but my family and relatives are real judgemental> of any behaviour outside the norm, (heavily catholic)> and so If I where to venture outside of a normal marriage> or even before I met my husband..> I fear that there disapproval would be too much..especially > my mothers.> although sometimes I don't care and I shock them with things that > I say.> I trie to tell them as little > about the "real me" as possible, Just to maintain my privacy.> > In the past whenever I have oppened up to them, they were just > not accepting. > sad but true.

> Distance is good.>To send an email to -

[Guest guest]

Forrrr Ev Rrrrr Yuuuungfraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

if you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

 

jo Nov 3, 2005 3:00 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I prefer Forever Young :-)Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

bullpucky

*breaks into a chorus of "i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee"* peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My

relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new

so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

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[Guest guest]

I'm singing with you Jonnie.

 

Jo

 

-

Jonnie Hellens

Friday, November 04, 2005 7:30 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

Forrrr Ev Rrrrr Yuuuungfraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

if you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

 

jo Nov 3, 2005 3:00 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I prefer Forever Young :-)Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

bullpucky

*breaks into a chorus of "i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee"* peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

remind me to be vexed at both of you later..... jo Nov 4, 2005 1:38 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I'm singing with you Jonnie.

 

Jo

 

-

Jonnie Hellens

Friday, November 04, 2005 7:30 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

Forrrr Ev Rrrrr Yuuuungfraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

if you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

 

jo Nov 3, 2005 3:00 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I prefer Forever Young :-)Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

bullpucky

*breaks into a chorus of "i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee"* peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo

 

I completely agree. It makes a much better relationship and develops

stronger trust as well.

 

BB

Nikki

 

, " heartwerk " <jo.heartwork@g...>

wrote:

>

> I think it is important to know each other well, and the only way to

> do that is to talk about your hopes and fears, your beliefs about

> life, etc.

>

> Jo

[Guest guest]

Is that the one by the German group Alphaville?

why is it a power ballad?

 

 

, Jonnie Hellens

<jonnie_hellens> wrote:

>

> Forrrr Ev Rrrrr Yuuuung

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:if you get that nasty power ballad

stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

>

>

>

>

>

> jo

> Nov 3, 2005 3:00 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> I prefer Forever Young :-)

>

> Jo

> -

> fraggle

>

> Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> bullpucky

> *breaks into a chorus of " i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee " *

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

>

> The Valley Vegan.............

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:

> old Frag..

> somehow i don't like the sound of that

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Trust you not to be stereotypical!

> I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical,

that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

>

> The Valley Vegan............

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:

> i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire

out of life..

> and their situations..

> who they are with, etc...

>

> when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of

more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

> it was only later that things began t o evolve and such

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and

want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when

you start going gray and everything starts to head down south!

monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

>

> The Valley Vegan............

>

> jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote:

> HI Alex

>

> LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do

you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

>

> Would your life partner mind another partner living with you

full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at

present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many

questions !

>

> Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for

me - but the world is full of different people.

>

> BB

> Jo

> -

> Alex Iantaffi

>

> Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Hi Jo,

>

> no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible

combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very

actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper

actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much

monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one

point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather

than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he

might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point.

>

> The point about main partners varies from situation to situation

again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary

and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it

can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is

why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having

said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships.

My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his

sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no

expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship.

Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years

so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has

moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have

no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual

relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will

still be there. My

> relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them

both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would

describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment

to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter

and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally,

my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship

is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but

only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together,

etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a

mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to

what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry,

another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much

when answering your questions ;-)

>

> BB

> Alex

>

> On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote: HI Alex

>

> I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

>

> There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners

have other partners as well? In the group are there always main

partners for each person?

>

> BB

> Jo

Peter H

>

>

>

>

>

> How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for

FREE with Photos. Get Photos

>

> To send an email to -

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

yes

it had that mid 80's power ballad feel to it..

ugh!

 

 

Anouk Sickler <zurumato

Nov 4, 2005 1:59 PM

 

Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

Is that the one by the German group Alphaville?

why is it a power ballad?

 

 

, Jonnie Hellens

<jonnie_hellens> wrote:

>

> Forrrr Ev Rrrrr Yuuuung

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:if you get that nasty power ballad

stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

>

>

>

>

>

> jo

> Nov 3, 2005 3:00 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> I prefer Forever Young :-)

>

> Jo

> -

> fraggle

>

> Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> bullpucky

> *breaks into a chorus of " i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee " *

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

>

> The Valley Vegan.............

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:

> old Frag..

> somehow i don't like the sound of that

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Trust you not to be stereotypical!

> I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical,

that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

>

> The Valley Vegan............

>

> fraggle <EBbrewpunx@e...> wrote:

> i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire

out of life..

> and their situations..

> who they are with, etc...

>

> when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of

more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

> it was only later that things began t o evolve and such

>

>

>

> peter hurd

> Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM

>

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and

want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when

you start going gray and everything starts to head down south!

monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

>

> The Valley Vegan............

>

> jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote:

> HI Alex

>

> LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do

you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

>

> Would your life partner mind another partner living with you

full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at

present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many

questions !

>

> Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for

me - but the world is full of different people.

>

> BB

> Jo

> -

> Alex Iantaffi

>

> Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

> Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

>

> Hi Jo,

>

> no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible

combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very

actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper

actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much

monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one

point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather

than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he

might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point.

>

> The point about main partners varies from situation to situation

again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary

and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it

can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is

why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having

said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships.

My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his

sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no

expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship.

Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years

so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has

moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have

no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual

relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will

still be there. My

> relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them

both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would

describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment

to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter

and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally,

my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship

is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but

only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together,

etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a

mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to

what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry,

another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much

when answering your questions ;-)

>

> BB

> Alex

>

> On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote: HI Alex

>

> I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

>

> There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners

have other partners as well? In the group are there always main

partners for each person?

>

> BB

> Jo

Peter H

>

>

>

>

>

> How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for

FREE with Photos. Get Photos

>

> To send an email to -

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Alex

 

> I am actually a bit shy myself in person. No, really!

>

> Yeah, right! LOL

 

 

No seriously, it's too easy to not be shy online.

 

Face to face though, I tend to get nervous unless it is business

related, then I am a rock.

 

But when talking to new people, in order not to show my insecurity I

tend to become overly aggressive towards them. I can tend to have a

hard edge, sarcastic sense of humor (yeah, who would have known) and

I project that alot when nervous. Snappy and quick come-backs in a

somewhat aggressive manner.

 

Am I making any sense? lol

 

BB

Nikki

[Guest guest]

Hi Alex,

 

 

> oh go on, say it :-)

 

I can't, family group and all. Then the head moderator meanie will

put me on moderation.

 

>However, I would like to say that it was all very

> innocent, with clothes on and both our families anf friends

present! I

> suppose I should have said we jumped over a broom, duh :-)

 

 

Oh I know, and you phrased it fine. Believe me it is me. I am

reverting to a " Beavis & Butthead syndrome " because everytime I

read " handfasting " and " broom jumping " I start giggling. And it is

horrible because they are actually 2 very beautiful rituals to me

but I cannot help it!

 

BB

Nikki

[Guest guest]

Hi Alex,

 

> What Nikki said :-)

>

> I like certainty too and would not get involved in a 'primary' way

with

> people who can't offer that. I also like to think I offer that

too. My

> feelings are not fickle, even though they spread beyond one

person :-) I

> hope to be with Mike (and whomever else might become more

important in my

> life) when I am very old and wrinkly, LOL I know that's not what

you meant

> but I just wanted to say that... :-)

 

 

But see you are happy too and I think that is wonderful also. It

takes all sorts of different things to make people happy. The key is

finding out what it is and making it happen. Not always so easy.

 

BB

Nikki

[Guest guest]

Hi Fraggle

 

> If you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

 

Now that really is a challenge, isn't it?...

 

*singing at top of voice*

Forever Young, time on our side, we've got tomorrow, we've got tonight....

 

BB

Peter

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo

 

> Presumably you were married as well. Our daughter and her partner want to

> get married and handfasted on the same day, but I think that may be pushing

> the schedule a little.

 

The last handfasting I went to (Sarah & Phil), they got married in the

morning, and had the handfasting in the afternoon...

 

BB

Peter

[Guest guest]

Hi Peter

 

> Oh yes, I forgot , it takes you 2 hours to do up all your belts and zips in the morning!

 

OK, first Fraggle proposes to you, and now you know how long it takes him to put his clothes on in the morning... is there something more to this than you've previously let on???? ;-)

 

BB

Peter

[Guest guest]

Hi Anouk

 

> Is that the one by the German group Alphaville?

> why is it a power ballad?

 

The one I'm thinking of is by Tyketto...

 

BB

Peter

[Guest guest]

Makes sense to me.fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think it all dependin on who and what you are talking about....

 

of course communication is key..as it should be fer most things anyways...

 

so like...i would tell jenine that i went out with rosa the night before, and where we went..but i'm not gonna necessarily mention what happened later...tho i might with shana...

k? Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 1:35 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I'm guessing that communication is usually kept open? In other words, when you guys went exclusive, it was discussed and if one of you decided to no longer be exclusive, it would be discussed beforehand? When you are poly, do y'all also discuss your relationships with the different people? For instance, my daughter and I can discuss particular things with each other, but we may not necessarily discuss everything, not that we are hiding it or avoiding it, it just didn't come up. That sort of stuff. Or do you discuss everything in detail and that's part of the 'fun'? Again, it probably depends on the people involved and if I'm being too noisy, again, just tell me so. fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

i know you were askin alex

but

i think its gonna be different for different situations/relationships...

with me...when it was poly..some of my partners had other relationships, some didn't...

(before rebecca, two partners had a boyfriend, another considered our relationship *open*, one just considered me as her partner)

i suppose it all depends on what everyone is comfortable with and everyone is happy....

 

cheers

fraggle jo Nov 2, 2005 3:36 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 6:04 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I agree with fraggle on the individuality of poly relationships (or indeed any relationships! I also believe no two monogamous relationships are the same usually although there is more of a dominant discourse and therefore 'rules', etc.)Personally, I have been poly for six years. My life partner, Mike, is actually mainly monogamous. He shares the principles but, in his own words, is 'too lazy and lacks emotional depth' to bother with other partners :-) Currently, I only live with him. If I ever decided to live with another partner as well, which might well happen at some point, I figure we would all have to sit down and work out logistics. I imagine housework would be done as it is now, according to ability, time and preferences. As long as everyone feels they are contributing in some ways and not put upon, it should work, as indeed it does for other poly households I know. I think that sharing similar values and beliefs when living together is far more

important than who does the dishes :-)I hear what you are saying about family Anouk. I was born and raised in Italy, in a catholic family and my mother is Sicilian. My life choices are not exactly what my family dreamt for me :-) I suppose that I 'disappointed' my family well before coming out as poly by being out as queer (lesbian for a few years, then accepting my bisexuality, which was actually harder to face in some ways) and then as a witch. Not baptising my daughter is probably a far worse crime for my mother than having multiple partners! I am not saying it's easy to be out to my family and friends about my choices. I just cannot live a life of secrecy and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that there is anything wrong with my life choices or who I am and that's why I am out. Other people are not and I respect their right not to be as open. Jo, you ask some good questions and I would be very happy to chat about this face to face sometime,

if you like. For now, I'd say that for me it is possible to love more than one person. In fact most people love more than one person usually but they might just have sex with one person. I suppose I personally do not believe that I have to be sexually exclusive with one person or that I cannot have meaningful relationships with more than one person. I am a jealous person and it is not always easy to deal with issues such as insecurity, envy about time spent with other people, etc. However, it is the work of a lifetime. Knowing myself in all of my parts is my job both as a witch and a nearly qualified therapist. Being poly is challenging at times but it has also helped me to face many of my own demons. For me, being poly is also a political, as well as a personal issue. It means I can be more visibly queer despite living with a man and also that I can challenge institutions such as marriage, which are often used by society to promote a heteronormative discourse, that is values that

privilege heterosexual, monogamous relationships above all others. Relationships, which, sadly, often (not always!) reinforce gender division and stereotyping (not long ago marriage was a way to control women and property!). Having said that, I think monogamy is as wonderful a choice as polyamory or indeed as any shades in between the two. You and Colin having something great together, which is very obvious meeting you. I believe that I too have strong relationships with my partners, although sadly I am not always able to express my love opnely in order to respect their right to privacy. Finally (and I apologise as this has become a long post but it is a subject close to my heart), yes, some people happen to be in poly relationships because they fall in love with one person. Mike would probably not be in a poly relationship if I weren't poly. Does that mean I am 'imposing' my life style on him? Some of our acquaintances have suggested that in the past. I think it just means

that he is in love and wants to be with me. He accepts who I am just as I have to accept his choice of wanting only one child, whereas I would love more. Relationships are what is created by the people involved. In the immortal words of one of my favourites films, Bound, 'we make our own choices, pay our own prices'. Other people have in the past decided not to have a relationship with me because of my polyness. I have also decided not to have relationships with people in the past because of other incompatibilities (the most basic, smoking as I am a non-smoker). I suppose we know what we can and cannot live with when we love someone. Being in a relationship is always a step into the unknown to a certain degree, whether the relationship is mono or poly. Oh hum, I have waffled on the topic more than enough! Sorry. I hope some of it makes sense as my head is woolly today but I thought it was important to try and share some of my thoughts :-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote: that all depends on the person and his/her partnersi don't think any poly relationship is exactly like another....i've had both poly and open relationships...when rebecca and i first started seeing each other, i had several other gurlfriends...slowly..it just became me and her exclusive...will it stay that way?*shrug*dunno...we are happy together...but we have a very fluid and open relationship...and neither of us likes..um...conventionality to muchwotever happens...happenscheersfraggleheartwerk <jo.heartworkNov 1, 2005 11:53 PM Subject: Re: 800 members??Hi AnoukI can understand your parents point of view, and assume that they want what they consider to be the best for you. If they are happy in a one-to-one exclusive relationship, as I am, it would be hard to imagine that anything other situation could be as good for their children.I know it would not suit me. I love Colin very, very much. I would not be able to share him. I would rather be resigned to not having him at all than sharing him - that would prolong the agony for me - but I guess everyone is different.My own wonderings on poly relationships is whether sometimes a person may become involved because they love ~one~ person who is already in a relationship, and although it might not be ideal for them, they feel it is better than nothing. Is it

possible to love two or more people in a sexual way equally - or doesn't it matter to the participants? Do people in poly relationships always remain in poly relationships or do some of them eventually become exclusive - and does this cause hurt to the rest of the group? So many questions. Anyway - it is none of my business, but I am always interested in people.Jo , "Anouk Sickler" <zurumato@e...> wrote:>> <jonnie_hellens> wrote:> > Hi Alex. I remember you mentioned on another post that you have> multible partners. I'm assuming that is relationship partners? If> so, I'm wondering (and I think there are others here that also might> be able to answer) how work is divided. > > >

That's easy> the girl> is like a princess and the two guys just please her > just kidding!!> > > I have an open mind, but if I were to engage in lifelstyle > that is not the mainstream, I would have to work hard> to keep it a secret.> unfortunatley> it is sad but my family and relatives are real judgemental> of any behaviour outside the norm, (heavily catholic)> and so If I where to venture outside of a normal marriage> or even before I met my husband..> I fear that there disapproval would be too much..especially > my mothers.> although sometimes I don't care and I shock them with things that > I say.> I trie to tell them as little > about the "real me" as possible, Just to maintain my privacy.> > In the past whenever I have oppened up to them, they were just > not accepting. > sad but true.

> Distance is good.>To send an email to -

[Guest guest]

Hi Nikki

 

> I can't, family group and all. Then the head moderator meanie will

> put me on moderation.

 

Well, we do have to keep an eye on you... after all, you are such a

trouble maker!

 

> Oh I know, and you phrased it fine. Believe me it is me. I am

> reverting to a " Beavis & Butthead syndrome " because everytime I

> read " handfasting " and " broom jumping " I start giggling. And it is

> horrible because they are actually 2 very beautiful rituals to me

> but I cannot help it!

 

Now come on, pull yourself together :-)

 

BB

Peter

[Guest guest]

we need to start a story group again...

just so i can kill yer character.....2005 2:46 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Fraggle

 

> If you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to have to have some words with you!

 

Now that really is a challenge, isn't it?...

 

*singing at top of voice*

Forever Young, time on our side, we've got tomorrow, we've got tonight....

 

BB

Peter

To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Sing up Peter :-)

 

BB

Jo

 

, Peter Kebbell <metalscarab@g...> wrote:

>

> Hi Fraggle

> > If you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to

have to

> have some words with you!

> Now that really is a challenge, isn't it?...

> *singing at top of voice*

> Forever Young, time on our side, we've got tomorrow, we've got

tonight....

> BB

> Peter

>

[Guest guest]

That's encouraging. I suppose if there's not too much travelling

between it would work okay.

 

BB

Jo

 

, Peter Kebbell <metalscarab@g...> wrote:

>

> Hi Jo

>

> > Presumably you were married as well. Our daughter and her partner

want to

> > get married and handfasted on the same day, but I think that may

be pushing

> > the schedule a little.

>

> The last handfasting I went to (Sarah & Phil), they got married in the

> morning, and had the handfasting in the afternoon...

>

> BB

> Peter

>

[Guest guest]

Now I'm confused (what's new?). I assumed they were sorta the same thing. A commitment. What exactly does handfasting mean then?jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

Presumably you were married as well. Our daughter and her partner want to get married and handfasted on the same day, but I think that may be pushing the schedule a little.

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 11:03 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

amazingly enough..my ex wife and i got handfasted

 

jo Nov 3, 2005 2:51 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

We went to a lovely handfasting on Sunday - took our daughter and her partner who want to get handfasted next year :-)

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:13 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

handfasting is an old traditional ceremony that has been revived by th celtic, neo-pagan and wiccan movements...

to put it in simple terms..during the wedding ceremony, the to be wedded couple's hands(and sometimes arms) and bound together..with ribbon, er wotever...External control are you gonna let them get you?

Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

 

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click.

[Guest guest]

marriage as in civic/legal

handfasting is a personal ceremony....

 

umm..sorta like two womyn gettin married in phoenix...

you can't get it done at city hall..but you can find someone to do the ceremony... Jonnie Hellens Nov 4, 2005 3:42 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Now I'm confused (what's new?). I assumed they were sorta the same thing. A commitment. What exactly does handfasting mean then?jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

Presumably you were married as well. Our daughter and her partner want to get married and handfasted on the same day, but I think that may be pushing the schedule a little.

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 11:03 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

amazingly enough..my ex wife and i got handfasted

 

jo Nov 3, 2005 2:51 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

We went to a lovely handfasting on Sunday - took our daughter and her partner who want to get handfasted next year :-)

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:13 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

handfasting is an old traditional ceremony that has been revived by th celtic, neo-pagan and wiccan movements...

to put it in simple terms..during the wedding ceremony, the to be wedded couple's hands(and sometimes arms) and bound together..with ribbon, er wotever...External control are you gonna let them get you?

Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

 

 

 

 

 

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

why do you hate me??

 

 

heartwerk <jo.heartwork

Nov 4, 2005 3:38 PM

 

Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

Sing up Peter :-)

 

BB

Jo

 

, Peter Kebbell <metalscarab@g...> wrote:

>

> Hi Fraggle

> > If you get that nasty power ballad stuck in my head i'm going to

have to

> have some words with you!

> Now that really is a challenge, isn't it?...

> *singing at top of voice*

> Forever Young, time on our side, we've got tomorrow, we've got

tonight....

> BB

> Peter

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To send an email to -

 

[Guest guest]

why you let me be moderator here i have no idea....

 

 

heartwerk <jo.heartwork

Nov 4, 2005 3:46 PM

 

Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

I have - I like it that way :-)

 

BB

Jo

 

, Jonnie Hellens

<jonnie_hellens> wrote:

>

> Naw, you must have a clean mind.

>

> jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote:Hi Nikki/Alex

>

> Evidently I am so naive and innocent that I hadn't even realised

your inference until now.

>

> BB

> Jo

 

External control are you gonna let them get you?

Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

[Guest guest]

It was Peter's choice - I'm only a moderator :-)

 

Jo

 

-

" fraggle " <EBbrewpunx

 

Saturday, November 05, 2005 12:07 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

 

> why you let me be moderator here i have no idea....

>

>

> heartwerk <jo.heartwork

> Nov 4, 2005 3:46 PM

>

> Re: 800 open relationship members??

>

> I have - I like it that way :-)

>

> BB

> Jo

>

> , Jonnie Hellens

> <jonnie_hellens> wrote:

> >

> > Naw, you must have a clean mind.

> >

> > jo <jo.heartwork@g...> wrote:Hi Nikki/Alex

> >

> > Evidently I am so naive and innocent that I hadn't even realised

> your inference until now.

> >

> > BB

> > Jo

>

> External control are you gonna let them get you?

> Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

>

>

>

>

>

> To send an email to -

>