800 open relationship members??

[Guest guest]

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My

relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new

so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJoPeter H

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos

[Guest guest]

Hi Fraggle,

 

I agree about the sadness It is horrible when someone close to us dies.

 

I am not sure about your use of the word stable as opposed to poly

though... I am curious as at first I thought you meant that poly

relationships are not stable but that didn't seem to compute with some

of the things you have written in this thread. Sorry, if I

misunderstood or am being too nosey. I am always fascinated by how

differently everyone experiences the definition of polyamory, that's

all.

 

BB

Alex On 03/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs

[Guest guest]

Very ironic, huh? The people you looked to for support of your sexual decisions....

Alex Iantaffi <alex.iantaffi wrote:

Hi Jonnie,well, when I first came out I said I was bisexual. At the time I lived in a fairly provincial place in England with a small lesbian community. I got a lot of snide remarks about not being really queer and, to put it bluntly, I couldn't pull at all! So I decided that since there were so very few men that I found attractive and even fewer men that I found compatible in relation to values and beliefs, I might as well describe myself as a lesbian. I also think I was being affected by prejudices in both straight and queer communities about bisexuals (e.g. we are greedy, fence-sitters, not political, it's just a phase, it's not as good as being 'really' gay, etc...) When I fell in love with a close friend and co-worker who happened to be male and who is now my life partner, it wasn't pretty. I lost many friends in the community and even got denied entrance to the local gay

pub one night when a particular woman was working as a bouncer. I have since grwon a thicker skin and also found a politically active bi community, which I wasn't aware of to begin with as it was so invisible (no information in the gay press or through gay and lesbian helplines). Thankfully this is changing and younger people seem to be more confident about identifying as bi as there is now more visibility. Yet some people still sell badges saying things like 'Bi now, gay later' in gay shops or at Pride events. Sorry, another long answer :-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, Jonnie Hellens <jonnie_hellens wrote:

 

Alex, why do you think it was harder for you to accept being bi-sexual?

 

I agree that no two relationships are the same, whether sexual or not.

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click.

[Guest guest]

I know, you would have thought so, wouldn't you :-) Of course not

everyone in the gay community is biphobic! Yet many are, that's all.

Sad as it is.

 

Yep, I know. When I worked at Unis people kept thinking my name was Ian

Taffi and that I was Welsh, if they only saw my surname in writing, and

then were surprised to hear or be faced with an Italian woman rather

than a Welsh man. I found it all very amusing :-)

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, peter hurd <swpgh01 wrote:

Seems ironic, I`ve never heard of hypocrousy from the gay quarter

before, I always assumed that because they thought themselves

persecuted that they would know better? Shows what I know doesnt it!

 

You know your surname looks like a Welsh place name don`t you?

 

The Valley Vegan.............I`m straight and I`m proud!

[Guest guest]

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

I can't speak for Fraggle (and as you can see from my other email I am

curious about his words too) but personally I think they are as stable

(or unstable) as any other relationships. I have been with Mike for

nearly 6 years and I consider us a stable relationship. My previous

monogamous relationships had never been that long or that stable

(partly because I picked unsuitable partners as I was young and

foolish!) I know poly couples and triads and quads who have been

together for a decade or two and would consider themselves fairly

stable indeed :-)

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, heartwerk <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

Are poly relationships usually not stable?

 

Jo

 

Fraggle said: weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a

poly relationship...

[Guest guest]

ok..so wot the heck do you folks over thar call the place you keep horses in???

not stable as in sturdy, reliable, dependable...

stable as in manger...barn....

stable as in he seemed to be having a group of *kept* women...harem..

thats just the impression i got from the way Jonnie described it.... Alex Iantaffi Nov 3, 2005 1:54 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members?? Hi Fraggle,I agree about the sadness It is horrible when someone close to us dies.I am not sure about your use of the word stable as opposed to poly though... I am curious as at first I thought you meant that poly relationships are not stable but that didn't seem to compute with some of the things you have written in this thread. Sorry, if I misunderstood or am being too nosey. I am always fascinated by how differently everyone experiences the definition of polyamory, that's all.BBAlex

On 03/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs

To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My

relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new

so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Fields!

 

The Valley Vegan..........fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

ok..so wot the heck do you folks over thar call the place you keep horses in???

not stable as in sturdy, reliable, dependable...

stable as in manger...barn....

stable as in he seemed to be having a group of *kept* women...harem..

thats just the impression i got from the way Jonnie described it.... Alex Iantaffi Nov 3, 2005 1:54 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members?? Hi Fraggle,I agree about the sadness It is horrible when someone close to us dies.I am not sure about your use of the word stable as opposed to poly though... I am curious as at first I thought you meant that poly relationships are not stable but that didn't seem to compute with some of the things you have written in this thread. Sorry, if I misunderstood or am being too nosey. I am always fascinated by how differently everyone experiences the definition of polyamory, that's all.BBAlex

On 03/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs

To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Jo,

 

I am actually really enjoying the chatting so thanks for the questions :-)

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

He would call himself one so it's ok, really ;-) I think it's more

attitude than number of partners for me. He just has that continuously

roving eye LOL

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

Yes it is just Mike and I (well and Melissa, LOL) at the moment. We

have talked about the possibility and we have always known that it

could potentially happen at some point. Of course I would ask him, and

the other partner who would be moving in, how they felt and would ask

myself how I felt too :-) Then the three of us would need to sit down

and have many open, honest and sometimes painful conversations about

hopes and fears and expectations before throwing ourselves into this

new situation. Communication is the only fundamental rule of poly, as

far as I am concerned. All the other variations are individual but

communication seems to be universally recognised in the poly community

as the key.

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

I suppose for me it is no more uncertain than any other type of relationship but I understand your view :-)

 

BB

Alex

[Guest guest]

Yep, personally communication is open and important. How much I share

depends on the various type of relationships. Respecting each other's

privacy and boundaries is important to me. I would not discuss details

of what I do with one partner with another, if that's what you meant.

Often, that is just asking for trouble! And nope, not too nosey for me.

I am a sharer :-) Sorry, couldn't resist the bad joke, LOL

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, Jonnie Hellens <jonnie_hellens wrote:

I'm guessing that communication is usually kept open? In

other words, when you guys went exclusive, it was discussed and if one

of you decided to no longer be exclusive, it would be discussed

beforehand? When you are poly, do y'all also discuss your

relationships with the different people? For instance, my

daughter and I can discuss particular things with each other, but we

may not necessarily discuss everything, not that we are hiding it or

avoiding it, it just didn't come up. That sort of stuff. Or

do you discuss everything in detail and that's part of the 'fun'?

Again, it probably depends on the people involved and if I'm being too

noisy, again, just tell me so.

[Guest guest]

wot sort of building doofus peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:06 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Fields!

 

The Valley Vegan..........fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

ok..so wot the heck do you folks over thar call the place you keep horses in???

not stable as in sturdy, reliable, dependable...

stable as in manger...barn....

stable as in he seemed to be having a group of *kept* women...harem..

thats just the impression i got from the way Jonnie described it.... Alex Iantaffi Nov 3, 2005 1:54 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members?? Hi Fraggle,I agree about the sadness It is horrible when someone close to us dies.I am not sure about your use of the word stable as opposed to poly though... I am curious as at first I thought you meant that poly relationships are not stable but that didn't seem to compute with some of the things you have written in this thread. Sorry, if I misunderstood or am being too nosey. I am always fascinated by how differently everyone experiences the definition of polyamory, that's all.BBAlex

On 03/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs

To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Peter,

 

I am intrigued by your concept of poly :-) I suppose I don't see myself

as playing the field and I think I am one of the most boring, settled

people I know, despite being poly LOL

 

BB

Alex :-)

 

p.s. And of course I am picking on you because you are Welsh ;-)On 03/11/05, peter hurd <swpgh01

> wrote:

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and

want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when

you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy

starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............

[Guest guest]

I dunno, once upon a time I didn't know it was a poly situtuation. I heard him mention his girlfriend but it wouldn't be one he was just talking about. Each knew the other and they also had other friends, etc. I figgered it out kinda quick. His club is shut down now, he was in a constant battle with the authorities cuz they didn't like a club where people could go and meet and 'enjoy' each others company in private or public. He got tired of the fight after one too many arrests. Hey, to each thier own I say, consenting adults and all that.

 

Not like once upon a time I went to visit my grandfather in Nevada, I was probably 15 or so. He took me home and introduced his wife and then later elsewhere introduced his fiance. I kinda got the idea they didn't know about each other, but I didn't ask. I was just confused and quiet.fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 9:29 AM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

A friend of my DH is poly, he had quite a bit of money and had lots of houses with various girlfriends living in them. I never talked to him too much cuz he was always trying to invite me to his club and my DH was very uncomfortable with that. Too bad, you know how curious I am and I would have loved to have asked a lot of questions. He didn't seem to mind at all.

 

We got a call a couple of weeks ago that was pretty sad. One of his girlfriends died suddenly (my DH said he really didn't want to tell me why she died, of course then I really had to know) of a heart attack. She wasn't much older than I am. He's been with her a long time so I'm sure he is pretty upset.

 

jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

External control are you gonna let them get you?

Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

 

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click.

[Guest guest]

Believe me, I am sure I don't get as many workouts as people think I

do! LOL And I still get myself down the gym. There is something to be

said in favour of exercise with a machine ;-) Ok, now I am taking this

conversation down the gutter, I am sorry.

 

A slapper (as I understand it, English people help me if I get this

wrong please!) is someone who is easy and gets around. Handfasting is a

pagan wedding. Technically mine and Mike was not quite a handfasting as

he is not pagan but we did write and co-celebrated our ceremony, which

was a mixture of humanist, anarchic and pagan. I think of it as a

handfasting as we even jumped a broom together :-)

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, Jonnie Hellens <jonnie_hellens wrote:

I don't think you need a treadmill for good cardio workouts do

ya! I bet you don't get as bored with your workouts and I do

either!

 

I have a couple more questions. What's a slapper? You

also mention 'handfasted'. Is this some sort of ceremony?

[Guest guest]

Sorry Peter - a small mental abberation I suppose. I thought it was Fraggles comment.

 

Jo

 

-

peter hurd

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:36 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

Maybe she doesnt want to respond to me, now I`m being persecuted!See I was right we Welsh do get picked on by the English........................

 

The Valley Vegan.............

 

Ar bigau'r drain On tenter hooks fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

hey..why you respondin to me.. i didn't say anythingmaybe you just read my mind?!anyways..it has always been the case that its easier to bring someone down then lift em up...if you feel repressed or persecuted, chances are, you immediately look at something else to pick on...a horrid little pecking order...(of course i meant *you* in a general sense)fraggleheartwerk Nov 3, 2005 11:21 AM Subject: Re: 800 open relationship members??Hi FraggleI have become somewhat disheartened as I've got older. You wouldassume that persecuted groups would be less likely to persecute othergroups, but they seem to be just as bad. Everything seems to go roundin circles, and nobody seems to learn from anything.Jo , peter hurd wrote:>> Seems ironic, I`ve never heard of hypocrousy from the gay quarterbefore, I always assumed that because they thought themselvespersecuted that they would know better? Shows what I know doesnt it!> > You know your surname looks like a Welsh place name don`t you?> > The Valley Vegan.............I`m straight and I`m proud!> >External control are you gonna let them get you?Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

[Guest guest]

I get it now! I thought the other meaning didn't fit with the image of

you I created in my head, LOL I agree with the harem thing now my

little brain gets it :-)

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

ok..so wot the heck do you folks over thar call the place you keep horses in???

not stable as in sturdy, reliable, dependable...

stable as in manger...barn....

stable as in he seemed to be having a group of *kept* women...harem..

thats just the impression i got from the way Jonnie described it....

[Guest guest]

ah..a swingers club...i guess...

ho..maybe it was a polyamory club....

too bad it got shut down.....

always an uphill battle....

Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 2:18 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I dunno, once upon a time I didn't know it was a poly situtuation. I heard him mention his girlfriend but it wouldn't be one he was just talking about. Each knew the other and they also had other friends, etc. I figgered it out kinda quick. His club is shut down now, he was in a constant battle with the authorities cuz they didn't like a club where people could go and meet and 'enjoy' each others company in private or public. He got tired of the fight after one too many arrests. Hey, to each thier own I say, consenting adults and all that.

 

Not like once upon a time I went to visit my grandfather in Nevada, I was probably 15 or so. He took me home and introduced his wife and then later elsewhere introduced his fiance. I kinda got the idea they didn't know about each other, but I didn't ask. I was just confused and quiet.fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

that is sad...

 

weird tho..it almost sounds more like a stable, then a poly relationship...

but..whichever...takes all kinds in this lil blue ball here...everyone is different with different needs Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 9:29 AM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

A friend of my DH is poly, he had quite a bit of money and had lots of houses with various girlfriends living in them. I never talked to him too much cuz he was always trying to invite me to his club and my DH was very uncomfortable with that. Too bad, you know how curious I am and I would have loved to have asked a lot of questions. He didn't seem to mind at all.

 

We got a call a couple of weeks ago that was pretty sad. One of his girlfriends died suddenly (my DH said he really didn't want to tell me why she died, of course then I really had to know) of a heart attack. She wasn't much older than I am. He's been with her a long time so I'm sure he is pretty upset.

 

jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

External control are you gonna let them get you?

Do you wanna be a prisoner in the boundaries they set you?

 

 

 

 

 

FareChase - Search multiple travel sites in one click. To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

HI Peter

 

I see what you mean :-)

 

BB

Jo

 

-

" Peter " <metalscarab

 

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:14 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

 

> Hi Jo

>

> > Not me - you know I'm scared of horses :-)

>

> Well, it was either that pun, or one about getting the bit between your

> teeth :-)

>

> BB

> Peter

>

>

>

>

> To send an email to -

>

[Guest guest]

It sounds more of a swinging situation.... Not that there is anything

wrong with swingers, of course. However, I would like to say I

personally don't do 'clubs'. Just to clarify things, LOL

 

BB

AlexOn 03/11/05, Jonnie Hellens <jonnie_hellens wrote:

I dunno, once upon a time I didn't know it was a poly

situtuation. I heard him mention his girlfriend but it wouldn't

be one he was just talking about. Each knew the other and they

also had other friends, etc. I figgered it out kinda quick.

His club is shut down now, he was in a constant battle with the

authorities cuz they didn't like a club where people could go and meet

and 'enjoy' each others company in private or public. He got

tired of the fight after one too many arrests. Hey, to each thier

own I say, consenting adults and all that.

 

Not like once upon a time I went to visit my grandfather in

Nevada, I was probably 15 or so. He took me home and introduced

his wife and then later elsewhere introduced his fiance. I

kinda got the idea they didn't know about each other, but I didn't

ask. I was just confused and quiet.

[Guest guest]

Why 'hopelessly' Fraggle ?

 

Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My

relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new

so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

bullpucky

*breaks into a chorus of "i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee"* peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -

 

 

[Guest guest]

not like that....

but different people react in different ways...

everyone knew each other...we'd all hang out together...

but jenine was my partner, not rosa's...

jo Nov 3, 2005 2:23 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Would you not tell her because she wouldn't like what happened?

 

Jo

 

so like...i would tell jenine that i went out with rosa the night before, and where we went..but i'm not gonna necessarily mention what happened later...tho i might with shana...

 

k? Jonnie Hellens Nov 3, 2005 1:35 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I'm guessing that communication is usually kept open? In other words, when you guys went exclusive, it was discussed and if one of you decided to no longer be exclusive, it would be discussed beforehand? When you are poly, do y'all also discuss your relationships with the different people? For instance, my daughter and I can discuss particular things with each other, but we may not necessarily discuss everything, not that we are hiding it or avoiding it, it just didn't come up. That sort of stuff. Or do you discuss everything in detail and that's part of the 'fun'? Again, it probably depends on the people involved and if I'm being too noisy, again, just tell me so. fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

i know you were askin alex

but

i think its gonna be different for different situations/relationships...

with me...when it was poly..some of my partners had other relationships, some didn't...

(before rebecca, two partners had a boyfriend, another considered our relationship *open*, one just considered me as her partner)

i suppose it all depends on what everyone is comfortable with and everyone is happy....

 

cheers

fraggle jo Nov 2, 2005 3:36 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 6:04 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I agree with fraggle on the individuality of poly relationships (or indeed any relationships! I also believe no two monogamous relationships are the same usually although there is more of a dominant discourse and therefore 'rules', etc.)Personally, I have been poly for six years. My life partner, Mike, is actually mainly monogamous. He shares the principles but, in his own words, is 'too lazy and lacks emotional depth' to bother with other partners :-) Currently, I only live with him. If I ever decided to live with another partner as well, which might well happen at some point, I figure we would all have to sit down and work out logistics. I imagine housework would be done as it is now, according to ability, time and preferences. As long as everyone feels they are contributing in some ways and not put upon, it should work, as indeed it does for other poly households I know. I think that sharing similar values and beliefs when living together is far more important than who does the dishes :-)I hear what you are saying about family Anouk. I was born and raised in Italy, in a catholic family and my mother is Sicilian. My life choices are not exactly what my family dreamt for me :-) I suppose that I 'disappointed' my family well before coming out as poly by being out as queer (lesbian for a few years, then accepting my bisexuality, which was actually harder to face in some ways) and then as a witch. Not baptising my daughter is probably a far worse crime for my mother than having multiple partners! I am not saying it's easy to be out to my family and friends about my choices. I just cannot live a life of secrecy and I certainly don't want my daughter to grow up thinking that there is anything wrong with my life choices or who I am and that's why I am out. Other people are not and I respect their right not to be as open. Jo, you ask some good questions and I would be very happy to chat about this face to face sometime, if you like. For now, I'd say that for me it is possible to love more than one person. In fact most people love more than one person usually but they might just have sex with one person. I suppose I personally do not believe that I have to be sexually exclusive with one person or that I cannot have meaningful relationships with more than one person. I am a jealous person and it is not always easy to deal with issues such as insecurity, envy about time spent with other people, etc. However, it is the work of a lifetime. Knowing myself in all of my parts is my job both as a witch and a nearly qualified therapist. Being poly is challenging at times but it has also helped me to face many of my own demons. For me, being poly is also a political, as well as a personal issue. It means I can be more visibly queer despite living with a man and also that I can challenge institutions such as marriage, which are often used by society to promote a heteronormative discourse, that is values that privilege heterosexual, monogamous relationships above all others. Relationships, which, sadly, often (not always!) reinforce gender division and stereotyping (not long ago marriage was a way to control women and property!). Having said that, I think monogamy is as wonderful a choice as polyamory or indeed as any shades in between the two. You and Colin having something great together, which is very obvious meeting you. I believe that I too have strong relationships with my partners, although sadly I am not always able to express my love opnely in order to respect their right to privacy. Finally (and I apologise as this has become a long post but it is a subject close to my heart), yes, some people happen to be in poly relationships because they fall in love with one person. Mike would probably not be in a poly relationship if I weren't poly. Does that mean I am 'imposing' my life style on him? Some of our acquaintances have suggested that in the past. I think it just means that he is in love and wants to be with me. He accepts who I am just as I have to accept his choice of wanting only one child, whereas I would love more. Relationships are what is created by the people involved. In the immortal words of one of my favourites films, Bound, 'we make our own choices, pay our own prices'. Other people have in the past decided not to have a relationship with me because of my polyness. I have also decided not to have relationships with people in the past because of other incompatibilities (the most basic, smoking as I am a non-smoker). I suppose we know what we can and cannot live with when we love someone. Being in a relationship is always a step into the unknown to a certain degree, whether the relationship is mono or poly. Oh hum, I have waffled on the topic more than enough! Sorry. I hope some of it makes sense as my head is woolly today but I thought it was important to try and share some of my thoughts :-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote: that all depends on the person and his/her partnersi don't think any poly relationship is exactly like another....i've had both poly and open relationships...when rebecca and i first started seeing each other, i had several other gurlfriends...slowly..it just became me and her exclusive...will it stay that way?*shrug*dunno...we are happy together...but we have a very fluid and open relationship...and neither of us likes..um...conventionality to muchwotever happens...happenscheersfraggleheartwerk <jo.heartworkNov 1, 2005 11:53 PM Subject: Re: 800 members??Hi AnoukI can understand your parents point of view, and assume that they want what they consider to be the best for you. If they are happy in a one-to-one exclusive relationship, as I am, it would be hard to imagine that anything other situation could be as good for their children.I know it would not suit me. I love Colin very, very much. I would not be able to share him. I would rather be resigned to not having him at all than sharing him - that would prolong the agony for me - but I guess everyone is different.My own wonderings on poly relationships is whether sometimes a person may become involved because they love ~one~ person who is already in a relationship, and although it might not be ideal for them, they feel it is better than nothing. Is it possible to love two or more people in a sexual way equally - or doesn't it matter to the participants? Do people in poly relationships always remain in poly relationships or do some of them eventually become exclusive - and does this cause hurt to the rest of the group? So many questions. Anyway - it is none of my business, but I am always interested in people.Jo , "Anouk Sickler" <zurumato@e...> wrote:>> <jonnie_hellens> wrote:> > Hi Alex. I remember you mentioned on another post that you have> multible partners. I'm assuming that is relationship partners? If> so, I'm wondering (and I think there are others here that also might> be able to answer) how work is divided. > > > That's easy> the girl> is like a princess and the two guys just please her > just kidding!!> > > I have an open mind, but if I were to engage in lifelstyle > that is not the mainstream, I would have to work hard> to keep it a secret.> unfortunatley> it is sad but my family and relatives are real judgemental> of any behaviour outside the norm, (heavily catholic)> and so If I where to venture outside of a normal marriage> or even before I met my husband..> I fear that there disapproval would be too much..especially > my mothers.> although sometimes I don't care and I shock them with things that > I say.> I trie to tell them as little > about the "real me" as possible, Just to maintain my privacy.> > In the past whenever I have oppened up to them, they were just > not accepting. > sad but true. > Distance is good.>To send an email to -

[Guest guest]

I prefer Forever Young :-)Jo

 

-

fraggle

Thursday, November 03, 2005 10:43 PM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

 

bullpucky

*breaks into a chorus of "i'm gonna stay young until i diiiiiiieeee"* peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:39 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Gonna happen man, face up to it..............

 

The Valley Vegan.............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

old Frag..

somehow i don't like the sound of that peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 2:05 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Trust you not to be stereotypical!

I suspect though that as with nature , most things are cyclical, that you may well go back to being a monogomous old Frag.

 

The Valley Vegan............fraggle <EBbrewpunx wrote:

 

i think that depends a lot on the person and what they want/desire out of life..

and their situations..

who they are with, etc...

 

when i was a teenager..i was hopelessly monogamous....the idea of more then one relationship at a time never entered my wee lil brain..

it was only later that things began t o evolve and such peter hurd Nov 3, 2005 1:53 PM Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

I think as you get older you start to want a bit more certanty and want to settle more, as oppose to playing the field. Especially when you start going gray and everything starts to head down south! monogomy starts to seem a lot more attractive.

 

The Valley Vegan............jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

 

HI Alex

 

LOL - fancy calling your partner a slapper :-) How many partners do you need to be a slapper, or does it depend on something else?

 

Would your life partner mind another partner living with you full-time? (I am assuming that it is just you and Mike cohabiting at present), or would you not ask him how he felt about it? So many questions !

 

Thanks for chatting about it - it all seems a little uncertain for me - but the world is full of different people.

 

BBJo

 

-

Alex Iantaffi

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:59 AM

Re: Re: 800 open relationship members??

Hi Jo,no need to shut up at all :-) There are indeed lots of possible combinations as fraggle highlighted too. One of my partners is very actively poly (a polite way of saying he is a bit of a slapper actually, LOL) whilst the other two aren't. Mike is really pretty much monogamous although he did get involved with my ex-girlfriend at one point, when me and her were still together, but it was a fling rather than a relationship. The other is currently only dating me but he might also date someone else if he meets someone he likes at some point. The point about main partners varies from situation to situation again. Some people don't like hierarchical language, such as primary and secondary partners. To be honest I don't like it either because it can be read to mean you love one person more than another, which is why I use the term life partner for Mike rather than primary. Having said that, there are various degrees of commitment in relationships. My relationship with R. is fairly casual. He would describe me as his sweetie (what can I say, he is American after all, LOL) but we have no expectations of each other emotionally beyond the bonds of friendship. Yet, we have managed a long-distance relationship for over two years so there is a degree of love and care in our bond too. Now he has moved to the UK for a while, we will see more of each other but have no intention of living together and I suppose at some point our sexual relationship might end although we both hope that our friendship will still be there. My relationship with my other two partners is different as I love them both (and luckily the love me) in a way that some people would describe as 'primary'. For example Mike and I have made a commitment to each other when we were handfasted, we share a house and a daughter and therefore have a greater commitment to our relationship. Finally, my other partner and I have a really intense bond but our relationship is quite new so we have hopes and dreams about greater commitments but only time will tell whether those things (e.g. living together, etc...) will indeed happen. Problems do come up when there is a mismatch of hopes and expectations but that, of course, is similar to what would happen in any relationship anyway, mono or poly :-) Sorry, another long answer!!! Please tell me to shut up if I go on too much when answering your questions ;-)BBAlex

On 02/11/05, jo <jo.heartwork wrote:

HI Alex

 

I'm being nosey again - so please tell me to shut up if you want.

 

There seem to be so many possible combinations. Do your partners have other partners as well? In the group are there always main partners for each person?

 

BBJo

 

Peter H

 

 

 

 

 

How much free photo storage do you get? Store your holiday snaps for FREE with Photos. Get Photos To send an email to -