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Please restrain yourselves! We are in a court room for pete's sake!

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From a little book called "Disorder in the Court".

These are things people actually said in court word for word.


Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth

Q: What year?

A: Every year.


Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you have forgotten?


Q: what gear were you in at the moment of impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: How old is your son - the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has been involved with some form of occult or voodoo?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: When you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes

Q: Did the defendant say anything as she got out of her car?

A: Yes Sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Did he kill you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?


Q: You were there until you left. Is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?



CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by almighty God."

WITNESS: "I swear by almighty God."

CLERK: "That the evidence I give."

WITNESS: That's right.

CLERK: Repeat it.

WITNESS: "Repeat it."

CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.

WITNESS: What you said when?

CLERK: "That the evidence I give."

WITNESS: "That the evidence I give."

CLERK: "Shall be the truth and."

WITNESS: It will and nothing but the truth.

CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and."

WITNESS: I'm not a scholar you know.

CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and."

WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."

CLERK: Say "Nothing."

WITNESS: Okay (Witness remains silent.)

CLERK: No. Don't say nothing. Say "Nothing but the truth."


CLERK: Well, do so.

WITNESS: You're confusing me.

CLERK: Just say "Nothing but the truth."


WITNESS: Okay, I understand.

CLERK: Then say it.


CLERK: "Nothing but the truth."

WITNESS: But I do! That's just it!

CLERK: You must say "Nothing but the truth."

WITNESS: I will say nothing but the truth.

CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The","Truth".

WITNESS: What you mean like now?

CLERK: Yes! Now, please. Just say those four words.

WITNESS: Nothing. But. The. Truth.

CLERK: Thank you.

WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at the time?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No this is how I dress when I go to work.



Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

Q: And Mr Denington was dead at the time?

A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.


Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot mid-way between the fracas and the navel.


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, was it possible that the patient was still alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient been still alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


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