jyy

i am not sure if what happened can or should only be seen as an impact of a single factor like the rudraksha. it is nice that you recount in detail the incident and are trying to see divine presence in it, but then that presence is omni-present. It could be the good karma of your daughter, for instance ... it may be so many factors that brought that moment together, where rudraksha may have added a positive influence. but seeing it as the only factor on play makes it all owing to one thing - a material thing of sorts and to me it seems it takes away the responsibility from us about reflection on our karma. and takes a little away from seeing the blessings of God.

... and i must tell you that you too inspired me. to know that there are medical professionals like you who care for their patients and treat them as 'persons'; for whom the moral questions are alive and disturbing to the extent of resulting in spiritual quest is very reassuring and heart warming. i hope that you keep your humanity intact through your professional practice. your questions, to me, are like answers to the increasing lack of morality in our society. thanks, jyy

i hope my ramblings made some sense if not all. i am sure you will find your direction through all the suggestions and your own thoughts. Don't delay going to the hospital. The delay will raise more moral dilemmas. Find a way to approach, a person to talk to, who you think will understand. Reporting back is a protocol of sorts you shouldn't miss - you could have got sick, there could have been a personal emergency - so missing the last day is okay and acceptable. You may or may not share the real reason - that is up to you; you are already dealing with the guilt spiritually. But you can go there and make that your last day - a last day with a difference. And get ready for the graduation you have worked towards. consider me a fellow traveler.

Hi Dhruva, you are taking on a good responsibility as a brother and i can see your despair. the situation may be a combination of things in context of your family and your sister. i would suggest to step back and look at things from an angle other than only the events/ aspects you mention in your mail/s. though the presence of guru/aghori's and such so-called religious aspects seems prominent, it may not exhaust the reasons or the solution of what is going on. to take a spiritual quest is good. along with that, i would say use a scientific, logical lense (which si not devoid of spirituality or faith). Understand what other things are going on - socially, emotionally for you all and your sister. i would also consider consulting a good astrologer - i believe astrology if taken as a scientific measure, can be helpful; it is based on cosmic positions and calculations and to that extent, explains part of what's going on. Check out the SJC website, they have an on-going online discussion list, where you can register and post your query and may be someone will help. they also have an office in delhi for consultation. it is a spiritually based astrology group and have a different approach. Talk to your sister and be her friend and encourage her to think broadly about her recurring dreams/visions. Consider contacting 'sanjivani', a counselling group in defense colony in delhi. look for ways to support her through this trauma in ways that do not lead to paths that seem unresolvable. marrigae is a concern, an issue for women in india. reiterate her confidence in herself as a person and let her find meaning in what she is doing. is she a professional person? doing a job or pursing education? help her find a new thing to do or encourage her to join a spiritual group herself. a lot of the times what we consider religious is not spiritual. the essence of peace, growth is within and often outside the confines of a single group. encourage her to begin to volunteer at some place - teach children or help the disabled or anything. what are her interests? if you enocurage her to write, or if you share some of this information here, i may be able to suggest more things. take care, peace, jyy As some others have suggested, a lot of power exists in the mind. a positive energy at this time is vital for you, your family and your sister.

Hi there again, this is long mail/response, hope you are not bored with it.... didn't i say that this is not confusion. it is a valid reason to be in dilemma for such a complex situation. up to my understanding, there are more than one things here to be think about, though they are connected for sure. Directly, the event relates to medical ethics and your role as a professional. i appreciate your being torn in this situation. Patient-centered care and decision making is not easy when competing need to be considered. What you faced there was a lot of things - (1) the clinical condition of the patient (2) the medical possibility of saving life (3) barriers to it - including the religious faith-related issues of the client herself (4) and the responsibility on the providers to take a decision regarding her care-plan. NOW - as far as taking consent of the patient is an ethical medical procedure and you did that, you did your duty. your feeling that a life could be save emanates out of your clinical understanding that blood transfusion was a solution. BUT - if the patient's belief was taken into account, then this is a matter of conflicting ethical contexts. Sometimes there are professional codes that take precedence, which it did. We are then left with fighting the other sense of responsibility or ethical questions like what you are facing. these questions are part of your profession. there may be situations where you did all you can and still not be able to save life. i think the thing to consider is what is your ethical base -professionally and spiritually and they are connected. it may be related to a religious or spiritual base. and defining or finding it is an on-going process. in this situation, i ask again that you think - what is it that disturbs you? were you able to do what you can within the limits of your role and responsibility? it you did, then lighten-up. reason it out in parts. I believe you were a part of the team. then was the decision a team decision? what were the issues you all took into consideration? did you say what you felt was right? And again, why did you not go on the last day? - was it because you felt helpless and could not face the fact of losing one person in the face of such a difficult situation? - or was there something you could have done and did not? These are two different situations. both are burdensome. but the way through them is different. i would say, do not feel guilty out of the turn. take responsibility for what it is logically. own it and take steps to resolve it to the ethical contentment. this will include going back and contacting your colleagues. your fears about them thinking bad about you may be unfounded. for all you know, they may be worried about you. Remember that as a senior resident, you must be a role-model for your juniors and your seniors will have so much faith in you and hopes from you. it will be good to go back and meet. may be others have similar thoughts - this will be a somewhat common scenario in a health/medical profession or any profession that deals with people directly, because we are able to make a direct impact on people's lives. the thing to remember is this point where you are, of honesty of intervention and honesty of intent. I would suggest you go back and set an example of having a real dilemma and working through it with professional and personal integrity and having the courage to return back to the work you love. This is just a milestone my dear, not a road block. This is a great moment for you come out a winner - these are REAL situations in your profession dear. Now on the spiritual front - often, it is situations like these that compel us to think about the other/bigger realities of our universe. there is no right or wrong time to come to it and there is no point in blaming your parents. may be they tried to keep it open and modern for you for a different upbringing. ... anyways. you are an adult and can decide where to go. regarding your search for a mentor/guru - i do not know if there can be one person or a faith - it may happen eventually that you find one path, one person to lead you. my experience is that with the kind of intellect we develop and the kind of questions a lot of us face, our search is an on-going thing. it will be good to start somewhere, for sure, like looking at the Bhagwat Gita study circles or finding various analysis of the Gita. Read some books like 'autobiography of the yogi'. depending on where you live, find a place that offers possibity of spiritual growth, for example, chinmaya-ashram or study circles. and begin to find what are the questions you have, what is your search. once you connect with right kind of people, places, you will reach the right person you can take as your guru. For you to have reached this point is really good. it takes courage to do what you are doing. so you have already taken the most difficult step. you have to be proud of yourself to share it all and to accept it. i do hope that you continue to share your journey here. cheers, jyy

Hi there, ... i dont think you are confused. you are thinking. and that is not a bad thing. you may have to accept the thought/s that led you to not go to work on the last day. it has to be something strong and deep and an outcome of a long process. what did the training mean to you? what does not going mean to you? it is certainly NOT a sin or misdeed. it is just a place you have landed, that perhaps you are unable to analyze with your scientific self. for a person as committed as you, as intelligent and hard working, it does not surprise me that you may have such strong moments. instead of being disturbed, or confused, analyze, using different way than you are used to. often we get so hung-up by our professional selves that we mistake it as our real, bigger, fuller self. this is just a call from the remaining you. you have to listen to it first and then accept and share if you want to continue to talk. and i hope you do. take care, you are a starting another journey it seems. so open up your thoughts and lets talk.