What should the husband do when the wife looses all respect for him ???

[Guest guest]

When the wife finds out he is not a pure devotee husband after all,i.e.,he has material desires ,looks at women lustfully,etc....

[Guest guest]

The husband should continue without fail to chant the Hare Krishna maha-mantra begging the Lord to help him overcome these material desires.

 

If the wife can't accept this sincere desire to change, then she is not so pure devotee herself afterall no??

 

(Ok this sounds oversimplistic, and keep in mind that I'm not even married, I'm simply trying to relate this on a devotee relationship perspective.) (It may be my misconception but even husband and wife should treat themselves in a devotee type relationship despite the familiarity that can grow between the 2.)

[sinimat 0]

Dear Gopaldas,

I am sorry to hear about your situation with your wife. Unfortunately, I am having difficulties with my marriage too, as I am trying to be a devotee, but my wife says she is not really interested in Krishna. It is sad, but somewhat reassuring for us, that this is a very common thing. Divorce rates are so high and there are many devotees who experience problems with their marriages too. From my experiences, it seems that Krishna is definately testing us, and our wives too, with these problems. For me, the best thing I can do is just chant Hare Krishna and develop love in my heart. I try to extend that in my relationship with my wife by simply loving her. However, it's easy to say it, but hard to practice. Nonetheless, just love her and ask her to do the same with you. Ask her to have patience with you and pray for you. Also, you should pray as well. Good luck to you both. Haribol,

Matt

[Kulapavana 0]

everything that happens to us happens for a reason. we should look at ourselves first as the cause of our problems. working humbly to correct our deficiencies is the only way to go through life. Hare Krishna!

[Guest guest]

great question !

 

that is the problem in many relationships based on limited

improper understanding of Dharma.

 

the husband is not to be seen as God, or a pure devotee,

or as some being held to a high standard, and then if he doesn't measure up dump him for a "higher,better qualified

person".

 

no, the Dharmic duty is not that the husband is worshipped,or held to some standard of excellence by

the judgmental wife, that is not a marriage,

that is a job.

 

if a women is looking for a guru figure, don't marry him,

the result will be not a natural marriage based on mutual

affection, but on judgemental ideas of superior or inferior and guru/disciple rasa.

 

that is not what marriage is for, marriage is for

the purpose of living a happy life, it is not for

the purpose of becoming a disciple, although

sometimes shastra may speak of that rasa

as being similar, it is not meant in a literal

sense, but in a symbolic ideal of pure desire

to serve each other, not a forced or unnatural submissiveness, that is not the rasa between a bona fide

guru and bona fide disciple, there we find a bond of true

respect and admiration,not that the disciple is a serf

to the lord all mighty guru, the bona fide guru

and the bona fide husband are both similar in that they

accept responsibility for the well being of their

partner, nothing else, the bona fide guru or husband

is not an autocrat, he is the servant of the servant,

Bhaktisiddhanta says that the bona fide guru doesn't consider his diciples to be his disciples, they are

his to protect,not to have them serve him.

 

the wife shouldn't expect the husband to be a guru or

sage, that is not the basis for the marriage, the basis

should be mutual affection,nothing more, if you lose respect for your husband due to so called 'falling down',

get real, the ideal wife is devoted out of compassion

and respect for all persons,what to speak of her husband ? If your idealized version of the perfect

enlightened guru is not your husband, that doesn't

mean you are to consider him to be beneath you or not worthy of love and compassion and respect, the ideal wife

is aware of the purpose of marriage,to cultivate

love and consciousness together, not for anything else,

if you want a guru, that isn't what marriage is for.

 

[Haridham 0]

Keep krsna as the centre. If you feel like you might want to sway and look at other women just think what would krsna think of you doing this.

 

Better yet, What you u think if your daugther's husband looked at some other women.

 

hare krsna

 

haridham

[Myra 0]

God Bless Everyone!

 

Dear Shiva,

 

Thanks so much for your message. Personally, I learned much lessons from it.

 

Just want to add from a woman’s point of view.

 

Gopaldas Prabhu, you wrote: What should the husband do when the wife looses all respect for him ???

 

Ideally, a husband “MUST love his wife (being in a sense) his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband--that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly" (Ephesians 5: 25-33).

 

In this verse we see that the union between man and woman is a portrayal of the divine romance between God and His devotees. The only reason man and woman are attracted to each other and desire to build a life together, is because this principal is true in a spiritual sense. The natural realm is an illustration of the spiritual realm, and all spiritual truths existed long before the natural ones were manifested. In the same that way men and women seek each other to become one, so our spirits are also seeking oneness with God----and He with us.

 

However, once these manifestations will turn upside down, and the head of the family is the one who breached the sanctity of union, there is really a major problem/effect to the family, especially with the wife.

 

A woman/wife in general is very emotional and romantic at the same time. We are easily, deeply touched and wounded by our love for the person closest to us. However, a spiritually realized woman or wife knew that there is no such person as an absolute pure devotee or a “perfect husband”(except for Christ and Krishna) especially in this kali-yuga age. Yet, because we are willing to risk our very heart for the sake of love, so we must be willing to take that risk as well. Note however, that I am speaking to a union that is bounded with love and commitment not just because of duties (this is especially for an arranged marriage). However, our commitment and love to our husband fulfill us to the extent that we use and understand it properly--and we cannot know true love unless we know God and when we face a greater challenge within our marriage/ or within in a mere girlfriend – boyfriend relationship.

 

So, when we find out the pure and admired devotee husband is after all not the real one? What this husband is going to do? well -------------RUN!!!! and HIDE!!! Hehehehhe just kidding.

 

Personally, I can say that this is not supposed to mean you will back off. Why not try to court her again? Ask sincerely, heart to heart. Even your wife can’t detect if you are now telling the truth, God is looking into your heart. Basically, women tend to be impulsive at first, but I don’t believe that she will lose “all” her respect to her husband. She is hurting, and once she is hurt, she is broken, and her logical mind is not working so well. Try to give her a space, but at the same time, let her see that you are really changing for the better.

 

Love is still present even after the hurting. And if prior to the “crime” you commit to her you had developed a strong bond with her, she could easily see the strong points from you. She will then weight your fault and your kindness with her: your love, your affection, your good deeds…etc.

 

When our love for our husband is true, basically, it includes loving him more than ourselves, thinking of his welfare, honoring him, FORGIVING him, wanting the best for him, etc. Furthermore, this is to be a way of life--not an occasional mood, when we are feeling benevolent towards the world!

 

And this is the essence of entering into a married life. When these two souls become one body through marriage, there is then a shared responsibility: If one falleth, the other should lift him/her up. And if we only see our wife or husband as the extension of Krishna, we will never do anything to hurt him/her, because hurting him/her is only hurting our own self and God. “For no man ever hated his own flesh but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it.”

 

We all are just trying hard to be the best we can in front of the Lord, and a marriage life in not a bed of roses after all, it will be the effort of these two people to save and make it prosper. Honestly, it’s better said than done, so prayer must play a major part too. Well, I am not married yet, and I am just speaking to what I feel, observed, and learned from my parents and married friends. But to those who are recently married, the ones who have been married, the soon to get married, and the ones who are still looking - Let us pray to the Lord to bless us become the best person/wife/husband as what He wants us to be. God is ever willing to help us!

 

The scriptures said:

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love" (1 Corinthians 13: 13).

 

God Bless!!!

 

Myra.

 

[Tarun 6]

While out on book distribution in Holland we asked some echte Nederlanderrin about Kausheid (chastity).

They're reply: "Kausheid? Wat is dat nauw?"

According to ZrIla MadhvAcarya: "the chaste wife attains Vaikuntha BEFORE her husband!"

Hardly one devotee is going BTG these days so don't expect much progress... till we become chaste.

Dazama-skandha (10th Canto) describes the unchaste women as "lightning jumping from one cloud to another."

Unchaste women secretly chant Rolling Stones 60s hit "Get Off My Cloud" internally though/while chanting MahA-mantra externally.

Unchaste men too.

Woman is supposed to c her husband as Paramezvar (no matter how externally durbal = weak) & lovingly call him Prabhu.

Man is supposed to c his wife as Laxmi-devI (no matter how externally impoverished) & call her DevI.

Anything less is off the map... not worth mentioning.

[Tarun 6]

Don't just call her devI... LOVINGLY call her devI.

Wife never calls her husband by his familiar name & vice-versa.

Unless they wish to insult each other.. which should never happen, of course.

[Guest guest]

Hare Krishna,

 

I thought I would add another woman's opinion here. I have seen my husband go through different phases of spiritual practices, from 16 rounds and four regs to two regs and heavy pot use and back again several times! At times I've felt like I had two husbands, but not really, because I know his heart and I know that Krishna was never forgotten. Each person's path is their own, and while my husband and I have always had a spiritual focus to our relationship (I think that is very important) even as his wife I do not feel it is my place to judge another's soul progress. Of course as his wife I offer my opinions and observations, but I try to honor that my husband is following his path as is necessary for him. I don't beleive it is constructive to repress or hide our desires, and certainly we shouldn't hide things from one another in a relationship.

 

Do you really mean your wife is shocked to see you have material desires? Perhaps you are just reaching a new level of your relationship in getting to know one another. How long have you been together? It is customary in a relationship for their to be a glowing initial period of courting sort of love where the other seems basically perfect. Then that time ends. It is not that the relationship becomes less nice or fun, if you understand what's happening and proceed together you will find that the relationship actually deepens and solidifies and your connection to one another becomes more grounded and real. It is a beautiful thing to see another person as they are, with all their faults and still see the beauty of their soul and love them. To me marriage is about establishing an unconditionally loving connection (the connection of our soul's) with one's spouse and then travelling through all the up and downs and hazards of material life together.

 

To your wife I may give the advice I have found and try to practice myself. "If you want your husband to be a king, then be a queen." Even when my husband was not practicing much outright Krishna Consciousness I kept up my own spiritual practice (Diety worship and Kundalini Yoga). When we would connect with eachother we would share my realizations without words.

 

Now my husband is initiated and has been steady for some time. He has actually always been steadier than me in many ways. We match each other well, but are very different.

 

Anyway, pray for guidance and communcate with and love your wife. Try to understand why Krishna put you together.

 

Jaya Radhe,

Love,

Leslie

[Tarun 6]

Be humbler than discarded refuse, more tolerant than any tree... give her the credit card, let her step all over u, and if your chest is too hard, ditto to her what ViSNu asked BhRgu Muni.

ps - this Leslie sounds familiar.