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The Shallow End

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These are taken from real resumes, cover letters and performance


and were printed in the July 21st issue of "Fortune" Magazine:


1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."


2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."


3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."


4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."


5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."


6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."


7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."


8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."


9. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."


10. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No



11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."


12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to

respond to my

resume on my office voice mail."


13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training


Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."


14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."


15. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."


16. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain



17. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have

never quit a



18. "Marital status: often. Children: various."


19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous



20. "Finished eighth in class of ten."


21. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."



These quotes were taken from actual Performance Evaluations:


1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has

started to



2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."


3."This associate is not so much of a has-been, but more of definitely

won't be."


4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."


5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat

in a trap."


6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change

whichever foot

was previously in there."


7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to

achieve them."


8. "This employee is depriving a village of an idiot."


9. "This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better."



These lines are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals:


1. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."


2. "A room temperature IQ."


3. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all



4. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."


5. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."


6. "Bright as Alaska in December."


7. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't



8. "He's so dense, light bends around him."


9. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."


10. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."


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