The Golden Rule of Flaming

[Guest guest]

<center>The Golden Rule of Flaming</center>

 

Flames should be witty, insulting, interesting, funny, caustic, or sarcastic, but NEVER, EVER, should they be boring.

 

The Twelve Commandments of Flaming</center>

•  

  Make things up about your opponent: It's important to make

  your lies sound true. Preface your argument with the word

  "clearly.Clearly, Fred Flooney is a liar, and a dirtball to

  boot."

•  

  Be an armchair psychologist: You're a smart person. You've

  heard of Freud. You took a psychology course in college.

  Clearly, you're qualified to psychoanalyze your opponent.

  "Polly Purebread, by using the word 'zucchini' in her posting,

  shows she has a bad case of penis envy."

•  

  Cross-post your flames: Everyone on the net is just waiting

  for the next literary masterpiece to leave your terminal!

  From the Apple II RoundTable to X-10 Powerhouse RoundTable,

  they're all holding their breath until your next flame.

  Therefore, post everywhere.

•  

  Conspiracies abound: If everyone's against you, the reason

  can't *possibly* be that you're a sh??head. There's obviously

  a conspiracy against you, and you will be doing the entire net

  a favor by exposing it.

•  

  Lawsuit threats: This is the reverse of Rule #4 (sort of like

  the Yin & Yang of Flaming). Threatening a lawsuit is always

  considered to be in good form. "By saying that I've posted to

  the wrong group, Bertha has libeled me, slandered me, and

  sodomized me. See you in court, Bertha."

•  

  Force them to document their claims: Even if Harry Hoinkus

  states outright that he likes tomato sauce on his pasta, you

  should demand documentation. If Newsweek hasn't written an

  article on Harry's pasta preferences, then Harry's obviously

  lying.

•  

  Use foreign phrases: French is good, but Latin is the lingua

  franca of flaming. You should use the words "ad hominem" at

  least three times per article. Other favorite Latin phrases

  are "ad nauseum,veni, vidi, vici," and "fetuccini alfredo."

•  

  Tell 'em how smart you are: Why use intelligent arguments to

  convince them you're smart when all you have to do is tell

  them? State that you're a member of Mensa, or Mega, or Dorks

  of America. Tell them the scores you received on every exam

  since high school. "I got an 800 on my SATs, LSATs, GREs,

  MCATs, and I can also spell the word 'premeiotic' ."

•  

  Accuse your opponent of censorship. It is your right as an

  American citizen to post whatever the hell you want to the net

  (as guaranteed by the 37th Amendment, I think). Anyone who

  tries to limit your cross-posting or move a flame war to email

  is either a communist, a fascist, or both.

•  

  Doubt their existence: You've never actually seen your

  opponent, have you? And since you're the center of the

  universe, you should have seen them by now, shouldn't you?

  Therefore, THEY DON'T EXIST! This is the beauty of flamers'

  logic.

•  

  Lie, cheat, steal, leave the toilet seat up.

•  

  When in doubt, insult: If you forget the other 11 rules,

  remember this one. At some point during your wonderful career

  as a Flamer you will undoubtedly end up in a flame war with

  someone who is better than you. This person will expose your

  lies, tear apart your arguments, make you look generally like

  a bozo. At this point, there's only one thing to do: INSULT

  THE DIRTBAG!!! "Oh yeah? Well, your mother does strange

  things with vegetables."

 

<center>EXAMPLE...for the Rookie Flamer</center>

 

 

 

Dear Joe,

 

I object to your use of the word "dear." It shows you are a

condescending, sexist pig. Also, the submissive tone you use

shows that you like to be tied down and flagellated with licorice

whips.

 

While I found your article "The Effect of Belly-Button Lint

on Western Thought" to be extremely thought-provoking,

 

"Thought-provoking?" I had no idea you could think, you rotting

piece of swamp slime.

 

it really shouldn't have been posted in rec.scuba.

 

What? Are you questioning my judgement? I'll have you know that

I'm a member of the super-high-IQ society Menstruate. I got an

800 on my PMS exam.

 

Your attempts constitute nothing less than censorship. There is a

conspiracy against me. You, Riff Raff, and Simon Sinister have

been constantly harassing me by email. This was an ad hominem

attack! I have therefore cross-posted this to alt.flame,

rec.nude, comp.graphics, and rec.arts.wobegon.

 

Perhaps you should have posted it in misc.misc.

 

It is my right, as granted in the Bill of Rights, the Magna Carta,

the Bible and the Koran, to post where ever I want to. Or don't

you believe in those documents, you damn fascist? Perhaps if you

didn't spend so much time sacrificing virgins and infants to

Satan, you would have realized this.

 

<i > Your article would be much more appropriate there.

 

Can you document this? I will only accept documents notarized by

my attorney, and signed by you in blood. Besides, you don't really

exist anyway, you AI project, you.

 

 

 

[Tarun 6]

Prosecutor: Where were you on the night of the last dark moon?

Defendant: Doing akhanda-harinAm sankirtan at Prabhu's place.

Prosecutor: Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say.

Plaintiff: All you initiates give the same excuse.