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thank you dr. aceves. victories, AN UPDATE.

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i am just checking in. my one year anniversary of being banded has

just passed and i have lost a total of 165 pounds. i am now at 214. it

is the hardest road i could ever imagine, but also the most rewarding.

still I get very upset that i cannot eat sometimes and sometimes wish

i hadnt gotten the surgery at all ---and then i laugh because it is just

my inner voice of destruction talking. it is easier to hear that voice

now and it used to make me cry and it also had control

over me, but now i let it pass and laugh.

it IS easier to be

invisible!! society shuns the severely obese like the plague--which

gave me certain freedoms that i miss very much. i like going unnoticed.

the " OH MY GODDDDS " still make me very uncomfortable. i have never

been a normal weight and so i have had to slowly LEARN that changes in

appearance is SHOCKING to other people --and it is OKAY for them to be

shocked and, in turn, shock me back. it is okay. and in time it is

just accepted for what it is; me becoming healthier and happier.

....if they like it or not.

(which a good many people do not (friends AND family)...and i have

lost my best friend who told me " i would always be that 400lb person

on the inside and i did not deserve this happiness.....that the cost

of the surgery stole joy away from my family " ....and they said this to

my face...

(i cannot convey how much meaner that was to me than just being called

fat and laughed at by a friend or a stranger)

ive learned people say such things as a means to control and

manipulate me to believing i am not worth very much....

so they could feel power over me ..... i have come to learn that power

is only as real as you believe it to be and is coveted by those with

little self esteem and get their sense of worth by stealing it from me.)

yep....my oldest of friends are now no more...they found comfort in

using my self destruction and " out of control " tendencies as a means

of feeling better about themselves. once i had started healing, things

just went haywire and now i find myself alone....

however!!!! happier people are approaching me and becoming friends

with me and i am learning to trust them and i am slowly gaining people

in my life who make me smile and ALSO want health and so this

beautiful new circle of change has opened up to me....and if i could

convey that to anyone new, who is struggling...that is my one hope


that whole new circles of change form and the quality of your life is

changed so much that i cannot begin to express the happinesses i feel,

even if i DO miss being invisible. the freedoms of not being changed

to all of these poisonous people and foods is just the most beautiful

feeling in the world......being invisible is NOT WORTH the good that

has come to my life.

when i look in the mirror i do not know who i am. but i am learning

who this person is and i am truly learning to love her and accept her.

i cannot express to you how blessed i am to have had a chance to

experience such an event.

not many people truly 'learn' who they are

and what they are capable of from the outside in and then inside

out....and back again. i had stopped smoking a year before my surgery

(may 5, 2006).....and when i think back to when i was smoking and

weighted 379lbs. i have to take a deep breath and let her go...because

that girl was so trapped.......

little by little.......day by day.......hour by hour.......i am

freeing myself from that body and mind set....and it is HARD WORK.

but-------- i am checking in at the one year mark today.

........(2 year mark if you total the weight i lost the first year

preparing for surgery) it takes time....but, ive used that time to

gain experience and knowledge while im losing weight.

i will share that last weekend i went to the zoo and never took one

break or had to

sit down..i walked all day long.....then, the next day my children and

i went rock sliding and i slid down huge cliffs of rocks and walked

back up a mountain of rock at least a half dozen times and then

climbed 4 flights of stairs and walked

another 1/4 mile to the car and did it all with a SMILE.......the joy

in my childrens faces as i was sliding down those rocks or the pride

in my husbands eyes is just.....................well, its humbling.

who would think a 40 minute surgery would conjure so many different

emotions in others and in Self.....i just thought i would lose weight!

hahahahahahahahahaha ...............





i dont know how to upload pictures here, but those are the before and

after pictures thusfar...

everyone have a wonderful day and thank you for being such a wonderful

community/sanctuary for me to share my journey. i am not a regular

face, but i am always reading.



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