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Bill Gates Dies


Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...


"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"


Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"


God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."


"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.


God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."


Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...


It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.


"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"


"Fine" said God and off they went.


Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.


"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.


"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".


So Bill Gates went to Hell.


Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.


When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.


"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.


Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"


God says: "That was the screen saver."


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You know, many important theological questions are answered,

if we think of God as a Computer Programmer:


Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?

A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious

to step through all those variables.


Q: Why does God allow evil to happen?

A: God thought he eliminated evil in one of the earlier versions.


Q: What causes God to intervene in earthly affairs?

A: If a critical error occurs, the system pages him automatically

and he logs on from home to try to bring it up. Otherwise things

can wait until tomorrow.


Q: Did God really create the world in seven days?

A: He did it in six days and nights while living on cola and candy

bars. On the seventh day he went home and found out his girlfriend

had left him.


Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?

A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the

maintenance phase.


Q: Who is Satan?

A: Satan is a MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he

actually possesses, so people who aren't programmers are scared of

him. God thinks of him as irritating but irrelevant.


Q: What is the role of sinners?

A: Sinners are the people who find new an imaginative ways to mess up

the system when God has made it idiot-proof.


Q: Where will I go after I die?

A: Onto a DAT tape.


Q: Will I be reincarnated?

A: Not unless there is a special need to recreate you. And searching

those tar files is a major hassle, so if there is a request for you,

God will just say that the tape has been lost.


Q: Am I unique and special in the universe?

A: There are over 10,000 major university and corporate sites running

exact duplicates of you in the present release version.


Q: What is the purpose of the universe?

A: God created it because he values elegance and simplicity, but then

the users and managers demanded he tack all this senseless stuff onto

it and now everything is more complicated and expensive than ever.


Q: If I pray to God, will he listen?

A: You can waste his time telling him what to do, or you can just get off

his back and let him program.


Q: What is the one true religion?

A: All systems have their advantages and disadvantages, so just pick the

one that best suits your needs and don't let anyone put you down.


Q: How can I protect myself from evil?

A: Change your password every month and don't make it a name, a common

word, or a date like your birthday.


Q: Some people claim they hear the voice of God. Is this true?

A: They are much more likely to receive email.



I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.



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Jesus and Satan were having an argument as to who was the better programmer.


This went on for a few hours until they agreed to hold a contest with God

as the judge.


They sat at their computers and began.


They typed furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up on the



Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning struck,

taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power was restored, and

God announced that the contest was over. He asked Satan to show what he

had come up with.


Satan was visibly upset, and cried, "I have nothing! I lost it all when

the power went out."


"Very well, then," God said, "Let us see if Jesus did any better."


Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display,

the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.


Satan was astonished. He stuttered, "But how?! I lost everything,

yet Jesus's program is intact! How did he do it?"


God chuckled, "Jesus saves"



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