What's Y'all's Sign? (A Horoscope for Southerners)

[atma 0]

 

 

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological

signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm

out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in

a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me

there's some twins, but I don't see them much.

 

The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on

vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no

damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood's not crawling with them

either. So, what we need here is some relevance. We need things we

can recognize up there in the night sky.

 

SCROLL DOWN TO YOUR BIRTH DATE...!!

 

OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras

have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see

the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

 

CHITTLIN Jan 21 - Feb. 19

Chittlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're

uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chittlin,

however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of

seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chittlins, be

very careful. Chittlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can

make for a really terrible mess. Chittlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

Remember what when marriage time rolls around.

 

BOLL WEEVIL Feb. 20 - Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the

surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the

interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and

driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going

to marry you, so don't worry about it.

 

MOON PIE Mar 21 - Apr 20

You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a

cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and

"round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get

remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be

the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

 

POSSUM Apr 21 - May 21

When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked

tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't - bother - me - about - it"

attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think

you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy,

but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find

your problems actually running you over.

 

CRAWFISH May 22 - Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always

hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains,

the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living

room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you

have very, very good heads.

 

COLLARDS Jun 22- Jul. 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the

"melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of

those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists,

and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are

Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself

a lot of heartache.

 

CATFISH Jul. 24 - Aug. 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:

Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy

people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of

life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

 

GRITS Aug. 24 - Sep. 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to

huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel,

though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to

go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you

can go somewhere where they have all these things,

that serves you well.

 

BOILED PEANUTS Sep. 24 - Oct. 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately,

those who know you best your friends and loved ones may find that your

personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably

affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear.

You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a

certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be

sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

 

BUTTER BEAN Oct. 24 - Nov. 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with

everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on

the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You

can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything

to do with Moon Pies.

 

ARMADILLO Nov. 23 - Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually

quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots,

fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned

with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about

today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior

patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is

another, somewhat kinky, mating possibility.