My Challenge - could use opinions

[Guest guest]

I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug deep

and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge left

and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

 

A little background: After my accident last year I had to be in rehab

for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the time :-( so my

mother moved into our house to help. She transferred her job down to

where I live, which was a good move since she was looking to relocate

anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us over a year later.

She was kind of stuck in between because she had transferred her

job. That would have been fine if not for the issues that have come

up.

 

My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but in actuality she

frets and worries excessively. She is also very judgemental,

although she will say she is " just trying to help " . My feeling is

that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child of my own now. I

bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my husband does in

his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a result, I have found

myself very impatient and short with my mother. It pains me that I

feel this way. I feel like our relationship has been damaged and I

don't even like spending time around her any more.

 

Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I have much less

tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just being around her and

her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel that this is my

one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving my mother for

interfering in my life and causing arguements between my husband and

I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as well as he

does). My mother also tries to control people by doing things for

them, making them dependent on her. I have repeatedly tried to talk

to her and ask that she respect us in our own home to no avail. The

only good thing is that she will be moving out in a few weeks because

she bought a house.

 

Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me for months, but it

has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening started. Thank you for

reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Sarita

[Guest guest]

Dear Sarita, sounds like the problem is working itself

out. Hang in there. I like the ideas shared about how

we choose things. If this is an experience you chose

to go through, knowing that helps doesn't it? Hug.

Love, dhyana

--- Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

 

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that

> I have dug deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one

> challenge left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole

> life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

>

> A little background: After my accident last year I

> had to be in rehab

> for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the

> time :-( so my

> mother moved into our house to help. She

> transferred her job down to

> where I live, which was a good move since she was

> looking to relocate

> anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us

> over a year later.

> She was kind of stuck in between because she had

> transferred her

> job. That would have been fine if not for the

> issues that have come

> up.

>

> My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but

> in actuality she

> frets and worries excessively. She is also very

> judgemental,

> although she will say she is " just trying to help " .

> My feeling is

> that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child

> of my own now. I

> bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my

> husband does in

> his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a

> result, I have found

> myself very impatient and short with my mother. It

> pains me that I

> feel this way. I feel like our relationship has

> been damaged and I

> don't even like spending time around her any more.

>

> Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I

> have much less

> tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just

> being around her and

> her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel

> that this is my

> one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving

> my mother for

> interfering in my life and causing arguements

> between my husband and

> I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as

> well as he

> does). My mother also tries to control people by

> doing things for

> them, making them dependent on her. I have

> repeatedly tried to talk

> to her and ask that she respect us in our own home

> to no avail. The

> only good thing is that she will be moving out in a

> few weeks because

> she bought a house.

>

> Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me

> for months, but it

> has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening

> started. Thank you for

> reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

You poor thing, I really sympathise with you.

I was going to say ask her to leave but thank god for

small mercies she's leaving soon anyway!!

That would drive me INSANE.

When our parents do things like that it's sad because

we want to love and respect and honour them but we do

need the same in return.

So, you just hang in there, be patient, take some deep

breathes,

and remember the good mojo!!!

love and hugs Elektra x x x

 

 

--- Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

 

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that

> I have dug deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one

> challenge left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole

> life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

>

> A little background: After my accident last year I

> had to be in rehab

> for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the

> time :-( so my

> mother moved into our house to help. She

> transferred her job down to

> where I live, which was a good move since she was

> looking to relocate

> anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us

> over a year later.

> She was kind of stuck in between because she had

> transferred her

> job. That would have been fine if not for the

> issues that have come

> up.

>

> My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but

> in actuality she

> frets and worries excessively. She is also very

> judgemental,

> although she will say she is " just trying to help " .

> My feeling is

> that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child

> of my own now. I

> bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my

> husband does in

> his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a

> result, I have found

> myself very impatient and short with my mother. It

> pains me that I

> feel this way. I feel like our relationship has

> been damaged and I

> don't even like spending time around her any more.

>

> Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I

> have much less

> tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just

> being around her and

> her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel

> that this is my

> one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving

> my mother for

> interfering in my life and causing arguements

> between my husband and

> I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as

> well as he

> does). My mother also tries to control people by

> doing things for

> them, making them dependent on her. I have

> repeatedly tried to talk

> to her and ask that she respect us in our own home

> to no avail. The

> only good thing is that she will be moving out in a

> few weeks because

> she bought a house.

>

> Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me

> for months, but it

> has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening

> started. Thank you for

> reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Sarita,

 

I'm sensing a good deal of grace under pressure from you, and hope

you are commending yourself for getting through these daily

challenges with integrity and a sincere approach to do right by

everyone. This could be a large part of the purpose in itself.

 

Walking the fine line of these delicate personal dynamics must have

given you great opportunity to fine tune your interpersonal skills

and emotional balance and control, and maybe also deal with anything

that might've been leftover from childhood.

 

I don't know the exact dynamics going on with your situation. I can

only speak as one who never moved away from home and who has been

through much " growth " with my own mother. It has been such an

opportunity for learning about myself and her, how I see myself and

expect the world to treat me; just about every stone has been turned

never even having to venture beyond my doorstep. In my case there

has been a rainbow of countless blessings at the end of the storm.

 

I am lucky, however, to have been blessed with a mother capable of

changing and growing along with me. I might have described her as

you have your mother, though, at one time, and still there can be

echoes of that behaviour, though I look at it with different eyes

now, so it doesn't bother me all that much.

 

You see, I've had to learn her. I've had to dump my old assumptions

and associations and let new ones reveal themselves. And, thank

goodness, she has been open enough to hear me and we've both been

bold enough to make each other listen.

 

It's been a long process, but I've won something out of it. I think

I started understanding my mother when I began to take her word for

things, for her explanations of her motivations, like your own

mom's " just trying to help. " What if that's actually *true?* I had

to ask. She would stick to it like glue, so she had to believe it.

Maybe she wasn't *trying* to make me feel unsatisfactory or incapable?

 

Looking behind the acts to the intentions made me a happier, less

tense, less defensive and more well-adjusted person. And I've

learned, unexpectedly, what a high opinion of me my mother has and

how incredibly well she does understand me. Maybe she hasn't always

understood me, but she has always been capable, which is shock

enough. It required me teaching her who I am, as well. There may be

a lot going on in your mother that is masked by her abrasive

behaviours, that might shock you if you knew.

 

You reach a point where you can observe that this person is not

executing their intention well at all, but you can concede that their

intention is born of love - the highest love they can express,

perhaps. How, in this context can you be angry with someone? They

don't know.

 

Perhaps the flaw is indellible, perhaps repairable, but either way,

the intention must count for more than the offending action. I

believe compassion is born of this.

 

There are subtle ways you can teach one better to express himself.

You can laugh, and make light, so as not to embarass them, but giving

an indication of what type of behaviours are preferable. Doing this

over the long haul does make a difference. You can positively

reinforce and even point out how certain behaviours make you feel.

But all the while affirming that you understand her motivation, her

intention is good. People so want and need to feel understood.

 

Telling someone *you* know what they mean, but it may appear to

others something unintentional and undesireable may help them look at

their behaviours in public or filter themselves more consciously.

 

At the end of the day, you must go out of your way to see the

person's heart. It may surprise you what you find. There may be so

many layers of pain there, especially in those with control issues,

that it is difficult to look. Our mothers are our daughters,

Sarita. We must teach them well and lovingly, and be very sly about

it.

 

We must laugh with them as much as possible and grumble with them on

occasion, too. Let her know you see where she is, then try to bring

her to where you are. Expect the unexpected. It will happen.

 

It is easy to love those who are like us; blessed be the challenges,

blessed be the tough nuts, for they will pull the love out of you

from places unknown. When you discover finally how much love your

mother has for you, you will love yourself more, you will feel

approved of in new, deep ways and you will realise you have set your

expectations too low in regards to how you expect people to see and

treat you and in your appraisal of others. It's worth the hunt.

 

If your mother is at all like mine, and her intentions are truly

loving, only her expressions ocassionally misguided, be sure to teach

your daughter to interpret her grandmother thus, so she does not miss

out on this source of love. Teach her to look behind acts and words

to intentions.

 

If on the other hand, your mother truly means to denegrade and

belittle and derives satisfaction from this, then you must stand up

for your daughter in her presence, and protect her. Just be certain

it is not the former going on and more along the lines of what is

meant as " constructive criticism. " (My mother always stood up for me

to teachers, my grandparents, whoever was giving me grief and I love

her for it.)

 

People who are big time micromanagers never relax and are motivated

by fear all the time. Anyone who can get them to take it easy will

be a saviour to such people and a friend for life. They need to know

that they (everything) are okay. They try to control the outside,

because they don't feel anchored inside. They are grasping at

straws. Love heals everything.

 

Time with your mom is time to practice love - on an incline. Your

love muscle will get stronger faster because someone has come along

and pushed the button on your love treadmill, increasing the

gradient. That's all that's going on.

 

You'll feel it if it gets toxic, then it's time to practice loving

yourself and disengaging for awhile. You can always be up front and

simply ask for quiet time in such circumstances.

 

Hope there is something of use in this mish-mash. Not knowing the

exact situation makes it hard to advise. You have my admiration for

what you've been through and how you've handled it all.

 

x,

Droxine

 

 

 

 

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug

deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

>

> A little background: After my accident last year I had to be in

rehab

> for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the time :-( so my

> mother moved into our house to help. She transferred her job down

to

> where I live, which was a good move since she was looking to

relocate

> anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us over a year

later.

> She was kind of stuck in between because she had transferred her

> job. That would have been fine if not for the issues that have

come

> up.

>

> My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but in actuality

she

> frets and worries excessively. She is also very judgemental,

> although she will say she is " just trying to help " . My feeling is

> that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child of my own now.

I

> bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my husband does in

> his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a result, I have found

> myself very impatient and short with my mother. It pains me that I

> feel this way. I feel like our relationship has been damaged and I

> don't even like spending time around her any more.

>

> Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I have much less

> tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just being around her

and

> her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel that this is my

> one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving my mother for

> interfering in my life and causing arguements between my husband

and

> I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as well as he

> does). My mother also tries to control people by doing things for

> them, making them dependent on her. I have repeatedly tried to

talk

> to her and ask that she respect us in our own home to no avail.

The

> only good thing is that she will be moving out in a few weeks

because

> she bought a house.

>

> Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me for months, but

it

> has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening started. Thank you

for

> reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>

[Guest guest]

Sarita,

 

How lucky you are to have this opportunity to deal with your issues.

It took you much time and energy to develop this situation. It sounds

like since your mother is leaving soon your window of opportunity will

soon be gone. Maybe forever. I would suggest that you make use of

it. Parents help bring us back to core issues like nothing else.

Obviously you love her very much and she you.

 

Very powerful. : )

 

BlessU

Sam

 

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

[Guest guest]

Wow,Sarita your situation is so much like mine was.I mean your

mother and my mother seem to be twins.lol.My mother just moved out

at the end of January after she lived with us for 8 months.Her

negativity, control issues and criticism were very overwhelming so

one day I told her that she should move out.I think that I was

supossed to stand up for myself and it might have been very healing

for me and it felt like a breath of fresh air.She and my father have

been telling me what to do all my life and I had to stand up and

take control.I think it was a very important lesson that I had to

learn.I had to learn to stand up for myself and to make my own

decisions because I shouldn't trust anyone's opinions blindly.It

thought me that I should make my own decisions and not listen to

anyone else just because they think they know better.

 

Love,Nicole

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug

deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge

left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

>

> A little background: After my accident last year I had to be in

rehab

> for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the time :-( so my

> mother moved into our house to help. She transferred her job down

to

> where I live, which was a good move since she was looking to

relocate

> anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us over a year

later.

> She was kind of stuck in between because she had transferred her

> job. That would have been fine if not for the issues that have

come

> up.

>

> My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but in actuality

she

> frets and worries excessively. She is also very judgemental,

> although she will say she is " just trying to help " . My feeling is

> that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child of my own now.

I

> bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my husband does

in

> his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a result, I have found

> myself very impatient and short with my mother. It pains me that

I

> feel this way. I feel like our relationship has been damaged and

I

> don't even like spending time around her any more.

>

> Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I have much less

> tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just being around her

and

> her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel that this is my

> one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving my mother for

> interfering in my life and causing arguements between my husband

and

> I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as well as he

> does). My mother also tries to control people by doing things for

> them, making them dependent on her. I have repeatedly tried to

talk

> to her and ask that she respect us in our own home to no avail.

The

> only good thing is that she will be moving out in a few weeks

because

> she bought a house.

>

> Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me for months, but

it

> has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening started. Thank you

for

> reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>

[Guest guest]

Very nice Droxine... I'm glad you've decided to join us here. What you have

written resonates well with me because I also have an elderly mom that lives

with my wife and myself. It is quite an experience to learn a completely

different side of a parent, who becomes as you say, almost like a daughter.

Thanks for your insights....

 

Blessings...

 

Paul

 

 

> " droxine5 " <Droxine1

>

>

> Re: My Challenge - could use

>opinions

>Wed, 18 Apr 2007 12:21:04 -0000

>

>Sarita,

>

>I'm sensing a good deal of grace under pressure from you, and hope

>you are commending yourself for getting through these daily

>challenges with integrity and a sincere approach to do right by

>everyone. This could be a large part of the purpose in itself.

>

>Walking the fine line of these delicate personal dynamics must have

>given you great opportunity to fine tune your interpersonal skills

>and emotional balance and control, and maybe also deal with anything

>that might've been leftover from childhood.

>

>I don't know the exact dynamics going on with your situation. I can

>only speak as one who never moved away from home and who has been

>through much " growth " with my own mother. It has been such an

>opportunity for learning about myself and her, how I see myself and

>expect the world to treat me; just about every stone has been turned

>never even having to venture beyond my doorstep. In my case there

>has been a rainbow of countless blessings at the end of the storm.

>

>I am lucky, however, to have been blessed with a mother capable of

>changing and growing along with me. I might have described her as

>you have your mother, though, at one time, and still there can be

>echoes of that behaviour, though I look at it with different eyes

>now, so it doesn't bother me all that much.

>

>You see, I've had to learn her. I've had to dump my old assumptions

>and associations and let new ones reveal themselves. And, thank

>goodness, she has been open enough to hear me and we've both been

>bold enough to make each other listen.

>

>It's been a long process, but I've won something out of it. I think

>I started understanding my mother when I began to take her word for

>things, for her explanations of her motivations, like your own

>mom's " just trying to help. " What if that's actually *true?* I had

>to ask. She would stick to it like glue, so she had to believe it.

>Maybe she wasn't *trying* to make me feel unsatisfactory or incapable?

>

>Looking behind the acts to the intentions made me a happier, less

>tense, less defensive and more well-adjusted person. And I've

>learned, unexpectedly, what a high opinion of me my mother has and

>how incredibly well she does understand me. Maybe she hasn't always

>understood me, but she has always been capable, which is shock

>enough. It required me teaching her who I am, as well. There may be

>a lot going on in your mother that is masked by her abrasive

>behaviours, that might shock you if you knew.

>

>You reach a point where you can observe that this person is not

>executing their intention well at all, but you can concede that their

>intention is born of love - the highest love they can express,

>perhaps. How, in this context can you be angry with someone? They

>don't know.

>

>Perhaps the flaw is indellible, perhaps repairable, but either way,

>the intention must count for more than the offending action. I

>believe compassion is born of this.

>

>There are subtle ways you can teach one better to express himself.

>You can laugh, and make light, so as not to embarass them, but giving

>an indication of what type of behaviours are preferable. Doing this

>over the long haul does make a difference. You can positively

>reinforce and even point out how certain behaviours make you feel.

>But all the while affirming that you understand her motivation, her

>intention is good. People so want and need to feel understood.

>

>Telling someone *you* know what they mean, but it may appear to

>others something unintentional and undesireable may help them look at

>their behaviours in public or filter themselves more consciously.

>

>At the end of the day, you must go out of your way to see the

>person's heart. It may surprise you what you find. There may be so

>many layers of pain there, especially in those with control issues,

>that it is difficult to look. Our mothers are our daughters,

>Sarita. We must teach them well and lovingly, and be very sly about

>it.

>

>We must laugh with them as much as possible and grumble with them on

>occasion, too. Let her know you see where she is, then try to bring

>her to where you are. Expect the unexpected. It will happen.

>

>It is easy to love those who are like us; blessed be the challenges,

>blessed be the tough nuts, for they will pull the love out of you

>from places unknown. When you discover finally how much love your

>mother has for you, you will love yourself more, you will feel

>approved of in new, deep ways and you will realise you have set your

>expectations too low in regards to how you expect people to see and

>treat you and in your appraisal of others. It's worth the hunt.

>

>If your mother is at all like mine, and her intentions are truly

>loving, only her expressions ocassionally misguided, be sure to teach

>your daughter to interpret her grandmother thus, so she does not miss

>out on this source of love. Teach her to look behind acts and words

>to intentions.

>

>If on the other hand, your mother truly means to denegrade and

>belittle and derives satisfaction from this, then you must stand up

>for your daughter in her presence, and protect her. Just be certain

>it is not the former going on and more along the lines of what is

>meant as " constructive criticism. " (My mother always stood up for me

>to teachers, my grandparents, whoever was giving me grief and I love

>her for it.)

>

>People who are big time micromanagers never relax and are motivated

>by fear all the time. Anyone who can get them to take it easy will

>be a saviour to such people and a friend for life. They need to know

>that they (everything) are okay. They try to control the outside,

>because they don't feel anchored inside. They are grasping at

>straws. Love heals everything.

>

>Time with your mom is time to practice love - on an incline. Your

>love muscle will get stronger faster because someone has come along

>and pushed the button on your love treadmill, increasing the

>gradient. That's all that's going on.

>

>You'll feel it if it gets toxic, then it's time to practice loving

>yourself and disengaging for awhile. You can always be up front and

>simply ask for quiet time in such circumstances.

>

>Hope there is something of use in this mish-mash. Not knowing the

>exact situation makes it hard to advise. You have my admiration for

>what you've been through and how you've handled it all.

>

>x,

>Droxine

>

>

>

>

>

> , " Sarita "

><sarita1969 wrote:

> >

> > I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug

>deep

> > and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge left

> > and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

> > very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

> >

> > A little background: After my accident last year I had to be in

>rehab

> > for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the time :-( so my

> > mother moved into our house to help. She transferred her job down

>to

> > where I live, which was a good move since she was looking to

>relocate

> > anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us over a year

>later.

> > She was kind of stuck in between because she had transferred her

> > job. That would have been fine if not for the issues that have

>come

> > up.

> >

> > My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but in actuality

>she

> > frets and worries excessively. She is also very judgemental,

> > although she will say she is " just trying to help " . My feeling is

> > that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child of my own now.

>I

> > bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my husband does in

> > his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a result, I have found

> > myself very impatient and short with my mother. It pains me that I

> > feel this way. I feel like our relationship has been damaged and I

> > don't even like spending time around her any more.

> >

> > Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I have much less

> > tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just being around her

>and

> > her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel that this is my

> > one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving my mother for

> > interfering in my life and causing arguements between my husband

>and

> > I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as well as he

> > does). My mother also tries to control people by doing things for

> > them, making them dependent on her. I have repeatedly tried to

>talk

> > to her and ask that she respect us in our own home to no avail.

>The

> > only good thing is that she will be moving out in a few weeks

>because

> > she bought a house.

> >

> > Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me for months, but

>it

> > has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening started. Thank you

>for

> > reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

> >

> > Sarita

> >

>

>

 

_______________

Mortgage rates near historic lows. Refinance $200,000 loan for as low as

$771/month*

https://www2.nextag.com/goto.jsp?product=100000035 & url=%2fst.jsp & tm=y & search=mor\

tgage_text_links_88_h27f8 & disc=y & vers=689 & s=4056 & p=5117

[Guest guest]

Hmmm, is there a way to go back and kick yourself for the choices? LOL

Thanks Dhyana!

 

Sarita

 

, novalees

<Novalees wrote:

>

> Dear Sarita, sounds like the problem is working itself

> out. Hang in there. I like the ideas shared about how

> we choose things. If this is an experience you chose

> to go through, knowing that helps doesn't it? Hug.

> Love, dhyana

[Guest guest]

Lol! I hear you! Boggles my mind some of the " choices "

I made in the past! I love the sense of challenge,

though, in the words " I chose it. " No longer feeling

at the mercy of circumstances. YES. I really LIKE

IT!!! Hug. What an adventure! Much love, dhyana

--- Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

 

> Hmmm, is there a way to go back and kick yourself

> for the choices? LOL

> Thanks Dhyana!

>

> Sarita

>

> --- In

> ,

> novalees

> <Novalees wrote:

> >

> > Dear Sarita, sounds like the problem is working

> itself

> > out. Hang in there. I like the ideas shared about

> how

> > we choose things. If this is an experience you

> chose

> > to go through, knowing that helps doesn't it? Hug.

> > Love, dhyana

>

>

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi Sarita,

 

I feel for you. I can relate in some way - not about my mom, but

my aunt whom I have been living with since I was 11. We don't get

along too well. There are good times, but there are more bad times. I

have always felt that she is a very negative person and has a lot of

anger inside of her. She doesn't have kids and her husband is always

overseas. When he is here with us, they don't talk much. My uncle is

much younger than she. Because of her negativity and nagging nature,

my uncle leaves the house every morning to spend it in the library

and come back home for dinner to avoid fighting with her. I don't

hate her, though sometimes the things she says and does makes me want

to. I do forgive her for how she is. I guess this is her nature. I've

tried reiki and lots of prayers for her. I try my best to do special

things that my uncle does not do for her (love, understanding, taking

her out on special occassions, or just to show her that she is

special), but it seems that nothing works. She will be thankful, but

then after a few days, minutes or hours, she will complain. Its like

nothing ever makes her happy no matter how hard I try. The only time

when she is not nagging, complaining about small/big/useless things,

bringing back the past, putting blame on others

(family/friends/neighbors/strangers), comparing, controlling, etc..

is when she is asleep. As soon as she wakes up, its back to the same

routine. She complains that she doesn't want to say something bad or

be a complainer, but she keeps doing it. I know she is a good and

generous person. She wants to help/support/buy gifts to all of our

relatives and family back home in the Philippines. She often denies

herself because of this. She doesn't even think about herself

anymore - she worries about everyone around her - what they are

thinking etc. But at the same time she gets mad, because some people

end up taking advantage of her. I know life back home can be hard for

some people, but some relatives are very dependent and expect to

receive something all the time now. Its sad that they don't even

think that we also work here and have responsibilities. Its not like

we pick money from trees. But they don't understand that. My aunt

always tells us that soon her time will come and she will no longer

be with us - no one will do all these generosity for our relatives.

She also puts the blame on us, that if she dies or something bad

happens to her, its our fault. I don't like listening to it.

Everyday, she says the same thing over and over like a broken record -

it's sounding like an affirmation.

 

I feel bad and don't know what to do about my aunt. She has a lot

of anger inside of her. She will tell me that she forgives so and so,

but later on, she continues to back stab that person. I wish that I

could tell her everything that's going on with my life, but I just

keep everything to myself because I know that she will use anything I

say against me when she gets into her complaining mood. I trust her

with other things, but not about my private life. I don't really

share much. I just hope and pray that with Kundalini being a part of

my life, that it will help harmonize my relationship with my aunt for

the better.

 

Thanks for reading,

Anne

[Guest guest]

I could never ask her to leave, which was part of the problem. But I

did start praying for the best possible outcome for all of us and

within a few weeks she sold her house AND found a house to buy! I am

grateful for the good things that have happened, it is just so hard

for me to feel this way about my mother. I am hoping we can rebuild

after she moves.

 

Sarita

 

, Elektra Fire

<elektra.fire wrote:

>

> You poor thing, I really sympathise with you.

> I was going to say ask her to leave but thank god for

> small mercies she's leaving soon anyway!!

> That would drive me INSANE.

> When our parents do things like that it's sad because

> we want to love and respect and honour them but we do

> need the same in return.

> So, you just hang in there, be patient, take some deep

> breathes,

> and remember the good mojo!!!

> love and hugs Elektra x x x

[Guest guest]

Sounds like she was smothering...s/mothering!...you

and your family. With some space things will probably

be fine. Can't imagine what its like to have a

mother...lucky you! Hug. love, dhyana

 

 

--- Sarita <sarita1969 wrote:

 

> I could never ask her to leave, which was part of

> the problem. But I

> did start praying for the best possible outcome for

> all of us and

> within a few weeks she sold her house AND found a

> house to buy! I am

> grateful for the good things that have happened, it

> is just so hard

> for me to feel this way about my mother. I am

> hoping we can rebuild

> after she moves.

>

> Sarita

>

> --- In

> ,

> Elektra Fire

> <elektra.fire wrote:

> >

> > You poor thing, I really sympathise with you.

> > I was going to say ask her to leave but thank god

> for

> > small mercies she's leaving soon anyway!!

> > That would drive me INSANE.

> > When our parents do things like that it's sad

> because

> > we want to love and respect and honour them but we

> do

> > need the same in return.

> > So, you just hang in there, be patient, take some

> deep

> > breathes,

> > and remember the good mojo!!!

> > love and hugs Elektra x x x

>

>

>

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much for your words Droxine! A LOT of what you said

really resonates with me. My mother had a heart of gold and I know

she only wants the best for me. The problem is she wants what SHE

thinks is best for me. I do know that she doesn't mean to upset me

or be negative.

 

When I think about it, I have come a long way this year in improving

the way that I handle things. I feel that I should be able to handle

my mother more from a love point of view than anger and I am having

difficulty with this. I will keep on though.

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that. It really

helped and gave me a lot to chew over.

 

Sarita

 

, " droxine5 "

<Droxine1 wrote:

>

> Sarita,

>

> I'm sensing a good deal of grace under pressure from you, and hope

> you are commending yourself for getting through these daily

> challenges with integrity and a sincere approach to do right by

> everyone. This could be a large part of the purpose in itself.

[Guest guest]

Thank you Sam. We do love each other very much, that is never in

question. I do feel as though I am banging my head against a brick

wall and am beginning to wonder if it isn't ME that needs to learn

something from this before we can move on. You have all given me a lot

to think over.

 

Sarita

 

, " Sam "

<dallyup52 wrote:

>

> Sarita,

>

> How lucky you are to have this opportunity to deal with your issues.

[Guest guest]

Yes Nicole, I have learned to stand up for myself with a number of

family members this year. I had long standing issues with my father

(who has been in and out of my life for years) that I finally resolved

this year. I sat down and told him how I felt, from a loving point of

view, and advised that I would no longer accept being manipulated.

Since then, he and his wife seem to have a new respect for me. They

might not like things I do, but they don't interject anymore. Now I

just have to get my mother to do the same. I am getting closer, I just

keep losing my cool. *sigh*

 

Sarita

 

, " ntaroiu "

<lsirca wrote:

>

> Wow,Sarita your situation is so much like mine was.I mean your

> mother and my mother seem to be twins.lol.My mother just moved out

[Guest guest]

So sorry to hear this Anne. I knew things weren't good with her but

not the extent of it. She is obviously punishing herself for

something. The shame of it is that everyone in the vicinity of a

negative person gets punished. I try hard, but it is hard for me to

ground myself in the presence of someone negative.

 

I'll keep your situation in my prayers!

 

Sarita

 

, " Anne "

<annicole72 wrote:

>

> Hi Sarita,

>

> I feel for you. I can relate in some way - not about my mom, but

> my aunt whom I have been living with since I was 11. We don't get

> along too well.

[Guest guest]

Sounds just like my Grandmother !!!! and all the rest

of my mum and dads families.

Oh well, I chose them for a reason, I think it was to

teach me how " not " to act in life

Got so tired of bitching and complaining that I

yearned for unconditional love and this lead me back

to the divine.

so, really I owe them thanks.

Lots of love Elektra x x x

 

 

--- Anne <annicole72 wrote:

 

> Hi Sarita,

>

> I feel for you. I can relate in some way - not

> about my mom, but

> my aunt whom I have been living with since I was 11.

 

 

 

_________

Answers - Got a question? Someone out there knows the answer. Try it

now.

http://uk.answers./

[Guest guest]

Thanks Sarita,

 

I will pray for you and your mom too.

 

HUGS,

Anne

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

> So sorry to hear this Anne. I knew things weren't good with her but

> not the extent of it. She is obviously punishing herself for

> something. The shame of it is that everyone in the vicinity of a

> negative person gets punished. I try hard, but it is hard for me to

> ground myself in the presence of someone negative.

>

> I'll keep your situation in my prayers!

>

> Sarita

>

> , " Anne "

> <annicole72@> wrote:

> >

> > Hi Sarita,

> >

> > I feel for you. I can relate in some way - not about my mom, but

> > my aunt whom I have been living with since I was 11. We don't get

> > along too well.

>

[Guest guest]

Do your best to remember to forgive what you feel are slights and

disparities in her treatment of you. Remember she was there in your

time of need. She is not perfect and has her own self doubts that

she tries to deal with by over doing things. As she is leaving in a

few weeks then it is something you can do. It is important for her

and you to release this small development in your relationship.

Grace and steadfastness in the face of minor insult is a good

foundation for personal emotional discipline - just my take -

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

, " Sarita "

<sarita1969 wrote:

>

> I have done great with the forgiveness. I feel that I have dug

deep

> and forgiven everyone that ever hurt me. I have one challenge

left

> and it is my own mother of all people! My whole life I have been

> very close to my mom, almost like best friends.

>

> A little background: After my accident last year I had to be in

rehab

> for 6 weeks. My daughter was 14 months old at the time :-( so my

> mother moved into our house to help. She transferred her job down

to

> where I live, which was a good move since she was looking to

relocate

> anyway. Well, my mother is STILL living with us over a year

later.

> She was kind of stuck in between because she had transferred her

> job. That would have been fine if not for the issues that have

come

> up.

>

> My mother thinks she is a very positive person, but in actuality

she

> frets and worries excessively. She is also very judgemental,

> although she will say she is " just trying to help " . My feeling is

> that I am 37 years old, I have a husband and child of my own now.

I

> bristle when she criticizes my decisions, things my husband does

in

> his own home, micromanages MY daughter. As a result, I have found

> myself very impatient and short with my mother. It pains me that

I

> feel this way. I feel like our relationship has been damaged and

I

> don't even like spending time around her any more.

>

> Even worse, is since the K has come into my life I have much less

> tolerance for negativity. My nerves jangle just being around her

and

> her very aura exudes worry and negativity. I feel that this is my

> one stumbling block. I am having trouble forgiving my mother for

> interfering in my life and causing arguements between my husband

and

> I (he's been a SAINT, I wouldn't have handled it as well as he

> does). My mother also tries to control people by doing things for

> them, making them dependent on her. I have repeatedly tried to

talk

> to her and ask that she respect us in our own home to no avail.

The

> only good thing is that she will be moving out in a few weeks

because

> she bought a house.

>

> Sorry for the long post, this has been plaguing me for months, but

it

> has gotten 10 times worse since my awakening started. Thank you

for

> reading! Any advice would be much appreciated.

>

> Sarita

>