Advice on Dealing with Dishonesty and In-Law Relations

[Guest guest]

Shree Hari Ram Ram Sadhaks, please respond providing guidance based on Gita's message, with reference to Gita shlokas (verses). KINDLY BE BRIEF AND TO THE POINT, due to consideration for everyone's time and increased participation / readership. Thank you to all! From Gita Talk ModeratorsRam Ram ------------------------------ Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro her own parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should do? Lallubhai Chirimar-----------------------------GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubtsrelated to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which furtherclarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures tosubstantiate your response.3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to theextent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respectingsadhaka's time.5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.6. Please do not include links to the other sites or otherorganizations.7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phonenumber, address etc.8. Please do not address the response to a particular individualsince the message is going to the entire group.9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if contentis unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskritwords only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketedwherever possible.MODERATORRam Ram------------------------Post message: Subscribe: - Unsubscribe: -

[Guest guest]

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

Sadhaks, please respond providing guidance based on Gita's message,

with reference to Gita shlokas (verses). KINDLY BE BRIEF AND TO THE

POINT, due to consideration for everyone's time and increased

participation / readership. Thank you to all!

 

From Gita Talk Moderators

Ram Ram

------------------------------

 

Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for helping your

extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents is not ideal. Also you

may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary to hide and give

money? What prevented her from openly sharing with you her desire to give to

her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

Sadhaks, please respond providing guidance based on Gita's message,

with reference to Gita shlokas (verses). KINDLY BE BRIEF AND TO THE

POINT, due to consideration for everyone's time and increased

participation / readership. Thank you to all!

 

From Gita Talk Moderators

Ram Ram

------------------------------

 

Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your

extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents is not ideal.

Also you

may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary to hide

and give

money? What prevented her from openly sharing with you her desire to

give to

her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

Sadhaks, please respond providing guidance based on Gita's message,

with reference to Gita shlokas (verses). KINDLY BE BRIEF AND TO THE

POINT, due to consideration for everyone's time and increased

participation / readership. Thank you to all!

 

From Gita Talk Moderators

Ram Ram

------------------------------

 

Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

A couple of extra emails today due to bi-monthly administration. Thank you to

all! From Gita Talk Moderators Ram Ram

------------------------------

 

Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

 

------------------------------

 

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

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related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

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[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

GITA TALK GROUP GUIDELINES:

1. Purpose of the group is to help Sadhakas clarify their doubts

related to Gitaji shalokas. Therefore, responses which further

clarify the understanding of Gitaji, will only be posted.

2. Wherever possible, please quote Gitaji or other scriptures to

substantiate your response.

3. Kindly limit personal feelings, opinions, beliefs etc. to the

extent that they further help in understanding the Gita shlokas

4. Please be as concise and to the point as possible, respecting

sadhaka's time.

5. Kindly focus your writing to the subject at hand only.

6. Please do not include links to the other sites or other

organizations.

7. Kindly do not include your personal information such as phone

number, address etc.

8. Please do not address the response to a particular individual

since the message is going to the entire group.

9. Due to the large readership, all responses may not be posted.

10. Moderator at his discretion, may modify the posting, if content

is unclear or not appropriate for distribution to the group.

11. Please respond taking into consideration the novices, youth,

westerners, non-sectarian audience. Kindly limit the use to Sanskrit

words only, rather provide the English word with Sanskrit bracketed

wherever possible.

 

MODERATOR

Ram Ram

------------------------

 

Post message:

Subscribe: -

Un: -

[Guest guest]

COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for

the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the

gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to soul,

(with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when

I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over

the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and

I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

 

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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COUNTER QUESTION:

 

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

 

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

 

This is to emphasize more on what already has been said by Sadhakas

on Balaji's and Lahiriji's issues, but from my experiences.

As a reminder to us as I often do to myself, Loving/Giving is only

one sided relation, not two sided like " give and take " people often

say it is. Its only " give, give, give " from your side that works,

not give and take. However, " give, give, give " becomes

automatically " give and take " in relationship when both or all

involved do it.

 

I was profoundly touched when I understood deeply J. Krishnamurti's

answer(paraphrasing).

 

Q: Why do we expect to be loved by others always?

A: Because we don't love!

 

What a short but profound answer when you think about it!

This is because if we are busy loving, where is the time to expect

love in return?!

 

Speaking from my experience, in any relationship, whenever

problem/conflict/pain etc seem to arise, I remind myself, " Pratap,

its a small price to pay for all God is giving/has given you through

this relationship " , and believe me " Krishna's Ras " starts flowing

soon.

 

It doesn't matter anymore!

Another point that helps me in the relationship is " never ever

possess another human being, be that person your spouse, parents,

children, siblings, friends. Give a person freedom first, by not

letting her/him feel guilty or self pitying. With this inner

attitude seemingly " your " actions and words speak louder!

 

It takes off so much load of our shoulders trying to change others

in the way we want for our happiness! Happiness lies in our own

change, never in changing " others " (?) because there are truly

no " others " . Apparant " others " in relationship are in our minds as

images of those " others " outside. " I " and " others " are in the same

mind in conflict fooling us not to allow us to see the reality of

Oneness!

 

" Being Grateful " all the time in our hearts is another effective

point that works miracle for some reason! Overwhelm yourself

(consciousness that " you " are, really) with idea that " God has

placed Him/Herself disguised as 'me " in the best possible situation

at this time because its what is needed now through this

relationship. See/feel Krishna's ras flowing at this time! You can

do it, really. Being Grateful is Krishna Consciousness!

 

Now all of the above pointers are inner attitudes realized through

understanding of what " I " and God are, such as, understanding is

God, actions and spoken words are God, people in relationship are

God, God is doing what God wants to do and to God herself only and

to no one else!

 

How does God do that? Because in fact, there is no one else besides

Her/Him to relate to!!! No other, no conflict! Such Existence is

LOVE of Self by Self for Self!

 

Namaskar.............Pratap Bhatt

-----------------------------

Jai Hanuman

 

Sadhak Balaji's latest message is soul touching. Let us really

address his dilemma with understanding.and let there be one more

round of discussions on 1. Giving, Giving and Giving by some one 2.

Bitterness 3. Krishna's RAS.

4 Expectation by family without any expression of

gratitude/reciprocation.

 

In the meantime let me sing this Bhajan with Sadhaks:

 

DOOSARO KA DUKHADA DOOR KARANE WALE TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !

KIYE JA TU JAG MAIN BHALAAI KA KAAM, TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !!

 

O Reliever of the pains of others ! Keep ( giving, giving and

giving) doing good to others. Paramatma will remove your pains.

 

KYA TUNE PAAYA, KYA TUNE KHOYA, KYA TERA LAABH HEY, KYA HAANI ! ISKA

HISAAB KAREGA WO ISHWAR , TU KYUN FIKKAR KARE RE PRAANI !! TU BAS

APNA KAAM KIYE JAA ! TERA BHANDAAR BHARENGE RAAM !!

 

What did you get (by serving/doing good) , what did you lose, what

is your, what is your loss ? This account is kept by Paramatma ! O

Jeeva , why do you worry? You simply keep doing your duty ! Your

treasury/ pockets will always be replenished by God.

 

O Reliever of sorrows of others! Your sorrows will be removed by

God !!

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Dilemma of Sadhak Balaji is the dilemma of every good soul. One

often gets tormented between duty , heartless beneficiaries and

pains given by surroundings to whoever indulges into goodness. I

dont know why it happens. But I am sure it happens. I request

learned Sadhaks to deal with this real genuine dilemma of a person

who is good by heart.He does good but does not see the end. He

appears tired. I am really moved by his honest narration. I am

looking forward to views of learned sadhaks of this unique satsanga

forum on the subject.

 

Regards

 

Thakurlingam

----------------------------

There is an anguish , a genuine one, in the latest message of

Balaji. I agree with Vyasji that his is an honest narration. Well !

The Qs are many. Bitterness arising after one labours for

betterment of his/her near and dear ones is understandable- provided

there is no acknowledgement from the other side . But that is how

the world is. I wonder how one crosses / quells such bitterness. It

naturally arises if there is constant disrespect to that person who

serves. Religion may ask you to be tolerant. But one has to convince

himself also - why ? Why with me? What is the answer?

 

Prepetina Gonsalves

 

-----------------------------

Sir Vyasji Maharaj

 

My sincere pranams to Your Mataji and You.

 

We all are indebted to you for joining this group. It is difficult

to imagine how this group would have been without you. Sir, you have

infused life it.

 

Jay Shri Krishna

 

Varun Prapunia

 

------------------------------

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I

would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards

Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Balaji's response has elicited a wave of sympathies from

sadhaks, including even from Shashikalaji. A good soul in dilemma.

 

But I must state that this human life is not some sort of pleasure

giving movie. It is an examination hall. Here you can't seek what

suits your mind/intellect/ego !

 

This world is a laboratory run by Mother Nature. Here you are seen,

vetted, examined, analysed, cleaned, washed, disinfected ... Put

into fire, straightened out, by Mother Nature so that she may put

you into the ever waiting loving arms of your Eternal Father-

Paramatma.

 

Hence there is no relief possible for a Karma Yogi. He must

tirelessly give, give and give. He must understand that even the

slightest expectation from the world, from the receipient of favours

from you- will be denied to him by Paramatma. This is " kripa "

(benevolence) of God. It is denied by God to only those sadhaks whom

He loves, whom He wants. What will happen if the receipient

acknowledges/thanks/respects/reciprocates your gestures? What can

happen except your again getting " attached " to them? But as a law -

Service destroys Mineness ! How can mineness be destroyed if the

other party behaves with you amicably? If other party is cold

hearted even disrespectful to your good gestures- then

only " mineness " will get destroyed. Hence all Scriptures advice you

not to expect anything in return for any of your karmas.

 

As simple as that !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--------------------------------

 

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Swamiji Ramsukhdasji Maharaj would often say that this world is an

examination hall for the human beings- where you are given problems

based on your past performances - to be solved. This world is an

acid test for all of us. You can't run away from examination hall !

Continuing the Bhajan:

 

BADA KATHIN SACH KA YE PATH RE , SAMBHAL SAMBHAL CHALANA PRAANI !

 

Very very difficult and testing is the PATH OF TRUTH ( Duty ) . Be

very cautious O Jeeva in walking on this path.

 

PAG PAG PAR HAI YAHAN RE KASAUTI, KADAM KADAM PAR KURBAANI !!

 

On every step there is an acid test, on every step there is

sacrifice.

 

MAGAT TU DAAVADOL NA HONA, TERI SAB PEER HARENGE RAAM!

 

PONCHH LE TU APNE AANSOO TAMAM, TERI SAB PEER HARENGE RAAM !!

 

(O Jeeva) But you don't get perturbed . Paramatma will remove all

your pains and sufferings . Wipe out all your tears, O Jeeva !!

 

O Reliever of Pains of others in this world ! Your pains will be

removed by Paramatma.

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

 

This is to emphasize more on what already has been said by Sadhakas

on Balaji's and Lahiriji's issues, but from my experiences.

As a reminder to us as I often do to myself, Loving/Giving is only

one sided relation, not two sided like " give and take " people often

say it is. Its only " give, give, give " from your side that works,

not give and take. However, " give, give, give " becomes

automatically " give and take " in relationship when both or all

involved do it.

 

I was profoundly touched when I understood deeply J. Krishnamurti's

answer(paraphrasing).

 

Q: Why do we expect to be loved by others always?

A: Because we don't love!

 

What a short but profound answer when you think about it!

This is because if we are busy loving, where is the time to expect

love in return?!

 

Speaking from my experience, in any relationship, whenever

problem/conflict/pain etc seem to arise, I remind myself, " Pratap,

its a small price to pay for all God is giving/has given you through

this relationship " , and believe me " Krishna's Ras " starts flowing

soon.

 

It doesn't matter anymore!

Another point that helps me in the relationship is " never ever

possess another human being, be that person your spouse, parents,

children, siblings, friends. Give a person freedom first, by not

letting her/him feel guilty or self pitying. With this inner

attitude seemingly " your " actions and words speak louder!

 

It takes off so much load of our shoulders trying to change others

in the way we want for our happiness! Happiness lies in our own

change, never in changing " others " (?) because there are truly

no " others " . Apparant " others " in relationship are in our minds as

images of those " others " outside. " I " and " others " are in the same

mind in conflict fooling us not to allow us to see the reality of

Oneness!

 

" Being Grateful " all the time in our hearts is another effective

point that works miracle for some reason! Overwhelm yourself

(consciousness that " you " are, really) with idea that " God has

placed Him/Herself disguised as 'me " in the best possible situation

at this time because its what is needed now through this

relationship. See/feel Krishna's ras flowing at this time! You can

do it, really. Being Grateful is Krishna Consciousness!

 

Now all of the above pointers are inner attitudes realized through

understanding of what " I " and God are, such as, understanding is

God, actions and spoken words are God, people in relationship are

God, God is doing what God wants to do and to God herself only and

to no one else!

 

How does God do that? Because in fact, there is no one else besides

Her/Him to relate to!!! No other, no conflict! Such Existence is

LOVE of Self by Self for Self!

 

Namaskar.............Pratap Bhatt

-----------------------------

Jai Hanuman

 

Sadhak Balaji's latest message is soul touching. Let us really

address his dilemma with understanding.and let there be one more

round of discussions on 1. Giving, Giving and Giving by some one 2.

Bitterness 3. Krishna's RAS.

4 Expectation by family without any expression of

gratitude/reciprocation.

 

In the meantime let me sing this Bhajan with Sadhaks:

 

DOOSARO KA DUKHADA DOOR KARANE WALE TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !

KIYE JA TU JAG MAIN BHALAAI KA KAAM, TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !!

 

O Reliever of the pains of others ! Keep ( giving, giving and

giving) doing good to others. Paramatma will remove your pains.

 

KYA TUNE PAAYA, KYA TUNE KHOYA, KYA TERA LAABH HEY, KYA HAANI ! ISKA

HISAAB KAREGA WO ISHWAR , TU KYUN FIKKAR KARE RE PRAANI !! TU BAS

APNA KAAM KIYE JAA ! TERA BHANDAAR BHARENGE RAAM !!

 

What did you get (by serving/doing good) , what did you lose, what

is your, what is your loss ? This account is kept by Paramatma ! O

Jeeva , why do you worry? You simply keep doing your duty ! Your

treasury/ pockets will always be replenished by God.

 

O Reliever of sorrows of others! Your sorrows will be removed by

God !!

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Dilemma of Sadhak Balaji is the dilemma of every good soul. One

often gets tormented between duty , heartless beneficiaries and

pains given by surroundings to whoever indulges into goodness. I

dont know why it happens. But I am sure it happens. I request

learned Sadhaks to deal with this real genuine dilemma of a person

who is good by heart.He does good but does not see the end. He

appears tired. I am really moved by his honest narration. I am

looking forward to views of learned sadhaks of this unique satsanga

forum on the subject.

 

Regards

 

Thakurlingam

----------------------------

There is an anguish , a genuine one, in the latest message of

Balaji. I agree with Vyasji that his is an honest narration. Well !

The Qs are many. Bitterness arising after one labours for

betterment of his/her near and dear ones is understandable- provided

there is no acknowledgement from the other side . But that is how

the world is. I wonder how one crosses / quells such bitterness. It

naturally arises if there is constant disrespect to that person who

serves. Religion may ask you to be tolerant. But one has to convince

himself also - why ? Why with me? What is the answer?

 

Prepetina Gonsalves

 

-----------------------------

Sir Vyasji Maharaj

 

My sincere pranams to Your Mataji and You.

 

We all are indebted to you for joining this group. It is difficult

to imagine how this group would have been without you. Sir, you have

infused life it.

 

Jay Shri Krishna

 

Varun Prapunia

 

------------------------------

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I

would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards

Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

 

 

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala raised two good questions. 1 How to conquer bitterness 2

How to change " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " !

 

When your desire for reciprocation, your desire for a similar

execution of duty by the other family member ( so that you don't

have to take additional responsibilty) , or desire for even an

acknowledgement- however genuine, natural or appropriate that be,

will be denied to you. Why ? Because your father considers that to

be harmful for you. Grant of this desire to you by God means

increasing your " attachment " with inert.

 

Says Yoga Vaasishtha-

 

Attachment is the cause of objects or affairs. Attachment is the

cause of worldly existence. Attachment is the cause of hopes or

desires. Attachment is the cause of calamities (DUKHALAYAM ).

 

Now through that family member, against whom you developed

bitterness, your Beloved Father is breaking your attachment,

Brother Bala !

 

Where is then the very question of bitterness arising in you ?

Instead of bitterness in fact a sense of gratitude should arise in

you for that family member. Is God not present in him/her? Love

should arise in you for him/her !! Why not devotion? Compassion

necessarily because he/she might not be knowing that he/she is being

used by the God- thus accumulating enormous negative karmas for

him/her self !

 

Love, compassion, understanding thus is the real, genuine answer !!!

Why not? Why not Sister Prepetina ? Why not Sadhak Thakurlingam?

 

So long as that does not arise, I am afraid, pain will continue .

But develop love and compassion and IMMEDIATELY " Dukhalyam " will get

converted into " KRISHNA's RAS " !!

 

Sadhak Bala !! This is the " philosopher's stone " referred by

Brother Mike Keenor- love, devotion, compassion !! Go ahead and

convert " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " ! Go ahead fearlessly, O

Brother !! Or tell me what do you lose in doing that !!!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

--------------------------------

Ram Ram

 

most of the interpersonal relationships, or for that matter, most

world problems stems from agyaana. Agyaan (ignorance) is humanity's

greatest predicament. In case of inlaws, i have seen mother inlaws

dont treat daughter inlaw as his/her own child and vice versa. thus

what we call " my " parents comes in. As students of Gita know it is

EGO (sense of I-ness). Ego related attachment is a separation line

between husband and wife's parents and hence only self knowledge can

destroy this human weakness. Only few lucky families think

of " family as one family " let alone " human race as one family. "

thats why joint family is non-existence even in india. usually my

advice to parents is to live separate from their children and grand

children as long as possible and one of the spouses are alive. its

children's duty to support their old-age parents financially with

mutual agreement between the young couple.

 

Hariom Roy

--------------------------------

 

This is the general complaint amongst many families In this case

husband and wife should understand that both parents are on equal

footing.The wife should arrange her own money to sponsor her parents

and no sooner they come arrange their separate town house. Exercise

all your rights and be kind and compassionate with your husband and

do not spoil any relation and silently be brave and take actions

according to Law. I am a social worker helping people voluntarily.

As per Gita husband and wife are together one person. This is a

social problem and can be tackled with social laws. My best wishes

 

Truly yours

S S Bhatt

--------------------------------

 

 

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

 

This is to emphasize more on what already has been said by Sadhakas

on Balaji's and Lahiriji's issues, but from my experiences.

As a reminder to us as I often do to myself, Loving/Giving is only

one sided relation, not two sided like " give and take " people often

say it is. Its only " give, give, give " from your side that works,

not give and take. However, " give, give, give " becomes

automatically " give and take " in relationship when both or all

involved do it.

 

I was profoundly touched when I understood deeply J. Krishnamurti's

answer(paraphrasing).

 

Q: Why do we expect to be loved by others always?

A: Because we don't love!

 

What a short but profound answer when you think about it!

This is because if we are busy loving, where is the time to expect

love in return?!

 

Speaking from my experience, in any relationship, whenever

problem/conflict/pain etc seem to arise, I remind myself, " Pratap,

its a small price to pay for all God is giving/has given you through

this relationship " , and believe me " Krishna's Ras " starts flowing

soon.

 

It doesn't matter anymore!

Another point that helps me in the relationship is " never ever

possess another human being, be that person your spouse, parents,

children, siblings, friends. Give a person freedom first, by not

letting her/him feel guilty or self pitying. With this inner

attitude seemingly " your " actions and words speak louder!

 

It takes off so much load of our shoulders trying to change others

in the way we want for our happiness! Happiness lies in our own

change, never in changing " others " (?) because there are truly

no " others " . Apparant " others " in relationship are in our minds as

images of those " others " outside. " I " and " others " are in the same

mind in conflict fooling us not to allow us to see the reality of

Oneness!

 

" Being Grateful " all the time in our hearts is another effective

point that works miracle for some reason! Overwhelm yourself

(consciousness that " you " are, really) with idea that " God has

placed Him/Herself disguised as 'me " in the best possible situation

at this time because its what is needed now through this

relationship. See/feel Krishna's ras flowing at this time! You can

do it, really. Being Grateful is Krishna Consciousness!

 

Now all of the above pointers are inner attitudes realized through

understanding of what " I " and God are, such as, understanding is

God, actions and spoken words are God, people in relationship are

God, God is doing what God wants to do and to God herself only and

to no one else!

 

How does God do that? Because in fact, there is no one else besides

Her/Him to relate to!!! No other, no conflict! Such Existence is

LOVE of Self by Self for Self!

 

Namaskar.............Pratap Bhatt

-----------------------------

Jai Hanuman

 

Sadhak Balaji's latest message is soul touching. Let us really

address his dilemma with understanding.and let there be one more

round of discussions on 1. Giving, Giving and Giving by some one 2.

Bitterness 3. Krishna's RAS.

4 Expectation by family without any expression of

gratitude/reciprocation.

 

In the meantime let me sing this Bhajan with Sadhaks:

 

DOOSARO KA DUKHADA DOOR KARANE WALE TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !

KIYE JA TU JAG MAIN BHALAAI KA KAAM, TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !!

 

O Reliever of the pains of others ! Keep ( giving, giving and

giving) doing good to others. Paramatma will remove your pains.

 

KYA TUNE PAAYA, KYA TUNE KHOYA, KYA TERA LAABH HEY, KYA HAANI ! ISKA

HISAAB KAREGA WO ISHWAR , TU KYUN FIKKAR KARE RE PRAANI !! TU BAS

APNA KAAM KIYE JAA ! TERA BHANDAAR BHARENGE RAAM !!

 

What did you get (by serving/doing good) , what did you lose, what

is your, what is your loss ? This account is kept by Paramatma ! O

Jeeva , why do you worry? You simply keep doing your duty ! Your

treasury/ pockets will always be replenished by God.

 

O Reliever of sorrows of others! Your sorrows will be removed by

God !!

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Dilemma of Sadhak Balaji is the dilemma of every good soul. One

often gets tormented between duty , heartless beneficiaries and

pains given by surroundings to whoever indulges into goodness. I

dont know why it happens. But I am sure it happens. I request

learned Sadhaks to deal with this real genuine dilemma of a person

who is good by heart.He does good but does not see the end. He

appears tired. I am really moved by his honest narration. I am

looking forward to views of learned sadhaks of this unique satsanga

forum on the subject.

 

Regards

 

Thakurlingam

----------------------------

There is an anguish , a genuine one, in the latest message of

Balaji. I agree with Vyasji that his is an honest narration. Well !

The Qs are many. Bitterness arising after one labours for

betterment of his/her near and dear ones is understandable- provided

there is no acknowledgement from the other side . But that is how

the world is. I wonder how one crosses / quells such bitterness. It

naturally arises if there is constant disrespect to that person who

serves. Religion may ask you to be tolerant. But one has to convince

himself also - why ? Why with me? What is the answer?

 

Prepetina Gonsalves

 

-----------------------------

Sir Vyasji Maharaj

 

My sincere pranams to Your Mataji and You.

 

We all are indebted to you for joining this group. It is difficult

to imagine how this group would have been without you. Sir, you have

infused life it.

 

Jay Shri Krishna

 

Varun Prapunia

 

------------------------------

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I

would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards

Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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[Guest guest]

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

In front of this divine group, I am personally committing to give up

completely the following:

- desire for reciprocation

- desire for acknowledgement from others

- desire that others may do per my wishes;

- desire for possessing others(subtly)

- desire to look at other's (perceived) duty

 

No more Desires! No more Bitterness – NOTHING Toxic anymore! as I

know that my Father considers these to be harmful for me.

NO MORE ATTACHMENT. Let it be the END of agyaana (end of all

SORROW, NO MORE DUKHAALAYA " End of EGO

Father has removed, cut off this attachment forever. Let me start

here first by my Father's grace.

 

Let me completely understand the " Benefits of an Unfavorable

Situation " . Let there be no more tiredness. Only ENTHUSIASM to

carry out Father's work, and to do my duties to the extent that I

can. Let me focus only on changing " me " first, as there is none

other. Therefore where is the conflict? Truely NONE.

 

Yes truely, it is a small thing, that can be easily done. Surely,

for all that I have been blessed with. It truly does not matter

anymore. Let me be nothing but grateful for the situation I am

in.

 

Only Forgive and Forget!

Only Loving and Giving.

Giving, Giving, Giving!

Let me be busy loving, so there is no time to expect anything in

return. And return to who? there is no one else!

 

Love, compassion, trust are definitely existent. I can feel it in

members of this group. There is God! There is Love! And Love

heals everything! Love is the beginning, the middle and the

end.

 

Let there be only love, devotion and compassion. The Philosopher's

stone.

 

Thank you all from the depth of my heart and soul! Each and every one of you!

I truely mean it!

 

Mrs. Bala GK

------------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Dear Balaji,

 

You may not understand at the moment, but the cure you seek will

come.

Why do I say so?

You are not sitting at home nursing your bitterness, but you are

talking to the world, Bhagavan automatically is aware of your plight.

 

To help you the best that I can, I will cast my mind back. Was I

bitter oh yes, was I angry, yes indeed, did I hate, I don't remember

hating. You see because of life's circumstance I did not think anyone

loved me, for being just Michael, I forgot/was deluded. It was not in

my nature to love, my heart was like a stone, I felt abandoned a

forgotten island.

 

You see my dear friend, one act of selfless love can tip the balance,

start the roller coaster homeward to 'The Beloved'.

 

There is so much love at this site.

 

Try to absorb this love into your heart, then your mind will undergo

a shift, it will transcend this painful place it dwells in.

 

When you feel those bad old feelings, just try to imagine all your

Sadhak brethren who have traveled down the same road as you.

 

I learned something profound: one is never alone, one is loved.

 

I just noted the latest posts by Jee Jee Shashikalaji and Brother

Vyas, love is not just fairy floss and candy, it can also be a good

dose of bitters. Vyasji reminds me of a headmaster I had in my youth,

a very 'dewer' Scot, but all the same, a very fine and compassionate

gentleman.

Yes indeed God does test you, knowing that, is the trick.

 

With Respect and Divine Love.

 

Mike Keenor

-----------------------------

I do not know how pertinent is this to the current thoughts and

discussions but I suppose the frequency of this topic really is

distracting from other areas and wonder such frequency and such

issues being brought out will dilute the sadhaks participation

I am not sure what

Dinesh Patel

---------------

 

Dear sadak rathindra prasad lahiri,

There are counselor who deal with family problems effectively. They

impart knowledge to accept ones mistakes and make them feel sorry

for their behavior. This is purely family problem which need to be

listened from both sides. So this site is for developing knowledge

on the SELF, that is what I feel. Most of us have family problems.

Even some bakthas underwent. This sort of problems are to be dealt

by counselor trained only for this. Bagavan HIMSELF kept quite in

not interfering family issues of Pandavas and Gowravas in many

circumstances. The sadaks are themselves are striving hard in ones

own realization and where there time to solve family quarrels.

Extremely sorry if I am wrong.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala raised two good questions. 1 How to conquer bitterness 2

How to change " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " !

 

When your desire for reciprocation, your desire for a similar

execution of duty by the other family member ( so that you don't

have to take additional responsibilty) , or desire for even an

acknowledgement- however genuine, natural or appropriate that be,

will be denied to you. Why ? Because your father considers that to

be harmful for you. Grant of this desire to you by God means

increasing your " attachment " with inert.

 

Says Yoga Vaasishtha-

 

Attachment is the cause of objects or affairs. Attachment is the

cause of worldly existence. Attachment is the cause of hopes or

desires. Attachment is the cause of calamities (DUKHALAYAM ).

 

Now through that family member, against whom you developed

bitterness, your Beloved Father is breaking your attachment,

Brother Bala !

 

Where is then the very question of bitterness arising in you ?

Instead of bitterness in fact a sense of gratitude should arise in

you for that family member. Is God not present in him/her? Love

should arise in you for him/her !! Why not devotion? Compassion

necessarily because he/she might not be knowing that he/she is being

used by the God- thus accumulating enormous negative karmas for

him/her self !

 

Love, compassion, understanding thus is the real, genuine answer !!!

Why not? Why not Sister Prepetina ? Why not Sadhak Thakurlingam?

 

So long as that does not arise, I am afraid, pain will continue .

But develop love and compassion and IMMEDIATELY " Dukhalyam " will get

converted into " KRISHNA's RAS " !!

 

Sadhak Bala !! This is the " philosopher's stone " referred by

Brother Mike Keenor- love, devotion, compassion !! Go ahead and

convert " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " ! Go ahead fearlessly, O

Brother !! Or tell me what do you lose in doing that !!!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

--------------------------------

Ram Ram

 

most of the interpersonal relationships, or for that matter, most

world problems stems from agyaana. Agyaan (ignorance) is humanity's

greatest predicament. In case of inlaws, i have seen mother inlaws

dont treat daughter inlaw as his/her own child and vice versa. thus

what we call " my " parents comes in. As students of Gita know it is

EGO (sense of I-ness). Ego related attachment is a separation line

between husband and wife's parents and hence only self knowledge can

destroy this human weakness. Only few lucky families think

of " family as one family " let alone " human race as one family. "

thats why joint family is non-existence even in india. usually my

advice to parents is to live separate from their children and grand

children as long as possible and one of the spouses are alive. its

children's duty to support their old-age parents financially with

mutual agreement between the young couple.

 

Hariom Roy

--------------------------------

 

This is the general complaint amongst many families In this case

husband and wife should understand that both parents are on equal

footing.The wife should arrange her own money to sponsor her parents

and no sooner they come arrange their separate town house. Exercise

all your rights and be kind and compassionate with your husband and

do not spoil any relation and silently be brave and take actions

according to Law. I am a social worker helping people voluntarily.

As per Gita husband and wife are together one person. This is a

social problem and can be tackled with social laws. My best wishes

 

Truly yours

S S Bhatt

--------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

 

This is to emphasize more on what already has been said by Sadhakas

on Balaji's and Lahiriji's issues, but from my experiences.

As a reminder to us as I often do to myself, Loving/Giving is only

one sided relation, not two sided like " give and take " people often

say it is. Its only " give, give, give " from your side that works,

not give and take. However, " give, give, give " becomes

automatically " give and take " in relationship when both or all

involved do it.

 

I was profoundly touched when I understood deeply J. Krishnamurti's

answer(paraphrasing).

 

Q: Why do we expect to be loved by others always?

A: Because we don't love!

 

What a short but profound answer when you think about it!

This is because if we are busy loving, where is the time to expect

love in return?!

 

Speaking from my experience, in any relationship, whenever

problem/conflict/pain etc seem to arise, I remind myself, " Pratap,

its a small price to pay for all God is giving/has given you through

this relationship " , and believe me " Krishna's Ras " starts flowing

soon.

 

It doesn't matter anymore!

Another point that helps me in the relationship is " never ever

possess another human being, be that person your spouse, parents,

children, siblings, friends. Give a person freedom first, by not

letting her/him feel guilty or self pitying. With this inner

attitude seemingly " your " actions and words speak louder!

 

It takes off so much load of our shoulders trying to change others

in the way we want for our happiness! Happiness lies in our own

change, never in changing " others " (?) because there are truly

no " others " . Apparant " others " in relationship are in our minds as

images of those " others " outside. " I " and " others " are in the same

mind in conflict fooling us not to allow us to see the reality of

Oneness!

 

" Being Grateful " all the time in our hearts is another effective

point that works miracle for some reason! Overwhelm yourself

(consciousness that " you " are, really) with idea that " God has

placed Him/Herself disguised as 'me " in the best possible situation

at this time because its what is needed now through this

relationship. See/feel Krishna's ras flowing at this time! You can

do it, really. Being Grateful is Krishna Consciousness!

 

Now all of the above pointers are inner attitudes realized through

understanding of what " I " and God are, such as, understanding is

God, actions and spoken words are God, people in relationship are

God, God is doing what God wants to do and to God herself only and

to no one else!

 

How does God do that? Because in fact, there is no one else besides

Her/Him to relate to!!! No other, no conflict! Such Existence is

LOVE of Self by Self for Self!

 

Namaskar.............Pratap Bhatt

-----------------------------

Jai Hanuman

 

Sadhak Balaji's latest message is soul touching. Let us really

address his dilemma with understanding.and let there be one more

round of discussions on 1. Giving, Giving and Giving by some one 2.

Bitterness 3. Krishna's RAS.

4 Expectation by family without any expression of

gratitude/reciprocation.

 

In the meantime let me sing this Bhajan with Sadhaks:

 

DOOSARO KA DUKHADA DOOR KARANE WALE TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !

KIYE JA TU JAG MAIN BHALAAI KA KAAM, TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !!

 

O Reliever of the pains of others ! Keep ( giving, giving and

giving) doing good to others. Paramatma will remove your pains.

 

KYA TUNE PAAYA, KYA TUNE KHOYA, KYA TERA LAABH HEY, KYA HAANI ! ISKA

HISAAB KAREGA WO ISHWAR , TU KYUN FIKKAR KARE RE PRAANI !! TU BAS

APNA KAAM KIYE JAA ! TERA BHANDAAR BHARENGE RAAM !!

 

What did you get (by serving/doing good) , what did you lose, what

is your, what is your loss ? This account is kept by Paramatma ! O

Jeeva , why do you worry? You simply keep doing your duty ! Your

treasury/ pockets will always be replenished by God.

 

O Reliever of sorrows of others! Your sorrows will be removed by

God !!

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Dilemma of Sadhak Balaji is the dilemma of every good soul. One

often gets tormented between duty , heartless beneficiaries and

pains given by surroundings to whoever indulges into goodness. I

dont know why it happens. But I am sure it happens. I request

learned Sadhaks to deal with this real genuine dilemma of a person

who is good by heart.He does good but does not see the end. He

appears tired. I am really moved by his honest narration. I am

looking forward to views of learned sadhaks of this unique satsanga

forum on the subject.

 

Regards

 

Thakurlingam

----------------------------

There is an anguish , a genuine one, in the latest message of

Balaji. I agree with Vyasji that his is an honest narration. Well !

The Qs are many. Bitterness arising after one labours for

betterment of his/her near and dear ones is understandable- provided

there is no acknowledgement from the other side . But that is how

the world is. I wonder how one crosses / quells such bitterness. It

naturally arises if there is constant disrespect to that person who

serves. Religion may ask you to be tolerant. But one has to convince

himself also - why ? Why with me? What is the answer?

 

Prepetina Gonsalves

 

-----------------------------

Sir Vyasji Maharaj

 

My sincere pranams to Your Mataji and You.

 

We all are indebted to you for joining this group. It is difficult

to imagine how this group would have been without you. Sir, you have

infused life it.

 

Jay Shri Krishna

 

Varun Prapunia

 

------------------------------

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I

would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards

Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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------------------------

 

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Shree Hari

Ram Ram

This posting wraps up discussion on this topic. Thank you all!

THOSE INTERESTED IN RECEIVING MAILS IN HINDI, PLEASE LET US KNOW.

WE WILL START A LIST AND AS TIME PERMITS, WE WILL SEND MAILS IN

HINDI.

From Gita Talk Moderators, Ram Ram

-------------------------------

Jai Shri Ram

I am getting daily massages from in English. Actually I

fill some difficulties in understanding in english.So how I can get

these massages in Hindi.

Please do the needful

Thanks & Regards

Vimal Sarda

 

-------------------------------

I , in the name of gender equality , I request the questioner (OR

OTHERS) to reply to the following -

 

How to deal with husband when he is absolutely pro his own

parents and ignores parents of his wife or keeps fighting with

them? Or when he is too attached to his parents and conceals from

his wife certain financial supports which he keeps extending to

his parents and behaves with his mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When he is too attached with his parents and

ignores in-laws? What if he even indulges into dishonesty with

wife to secretly pass on hard earned money of his or his wife to

his parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted husband like that? What the daughter's

parents should do?

In every situation the duties of husband or wife should be the same

and there should be no difference on the basis of gender disparity.

The wife may be a working wife or a house wife , even when she is a

house wife she has to do so much of family works and has to take so

much of family responsibilities the financial equivalent is much more

than what husband brings as his salary or earning .

The moot question is love , sharing and caring among all relations

selflessly and then and then only peace remains in family

 

rathindra prasad lahiri

-----------------------------

NEW POSTING

 

Dear Sadhika Balaji,

So happy to read yr reply......wonderful commitment !!!

This is how we spread LOVE...Peace and Bliss,

by being Love, Peace and Bliss!!!

 

When the heart is filled with Love, nothing else matter actually.

 

If just in case, you feel slightest sign of bitterness, remember

Lord Shiva, who drink poison to save this entire universe.

May we all get strength to drink the bitterness of the worldly

matters and spread sweet LOVE.

with lots of Love,

A sadhika

Sadhna Karigar

----------------------------

 

" Lift up the self by the Self And do not let the self droop down.

For the Self is the self's only friend And the self is the Self's

only foe. " - Sri Krishna (from The Bhagavad Gita)

Ben

-----------------------------

 

How divine it is to see changes in the thoughts of Mrs G K Bala.

Sadhaks Mike, Vyasji, Pratapji, Shashikalji, Usha Sridhar, Suresh

Sharma, Varunji- all deserve compliments. Unbelievable

transformation. So necessary. So Correct. So God sent. I am proud to

be part of this forum

 

Thakurlingam

-----------------------------

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

In front of this divine group, I am personally committing to give up

completely the following:

- desire for reciprocation

- desire for acknowledgement from others

- desire that others may do per my wishes;

- desire for possessing others(subtly)

- desire to look at other's (perceived) duty

 

No more Desires! No more Bitterness – NOTHING Toxic anymore! as I

know that my Father considers these to be harmful for me.

NO MORE ATTACHMENT. Let it be the END of agyaana (end of all

SORROW, NO MORE DUKHAALAYA " End of EGO

Father has removed, cut off this attachment forever. Let me start

here first by my Father's grace.

 

Let me completely understand the " Benefits of an Unfavorable

Situation " . Let there be no more tiredness. Only ENTHUSIASM to

carry out Father's work, and to do my duties to the extent that I

can. Let me focus only on changing " me " first, as there is none

other. Therefore where is the conflict? Truely NONE.

 

Yes truely, it is a small thing, that can be easily done. Surely,

for all that I have been blessed with. It truly does not matter

anymore. Let me be nothing but grateful for the situation I am

in.

 

Only Forgive and Forget!

Only Loving and Giving.

Giving, Giving, Giving!

Let me be busy loving, so there is no time to expect anything in

return. And return to who? there is no one else!

 

Love, compassion, trust are definitely existent. I can feel it in

members of this group. There is God! There is Love! And Love

heals everything! Love is the beginning, the middle and the

end.

 

Let there be only love, devotion and compassion. The Philosopher's

stone.

 

Thank you all from the depth of my heart and soul! Each and every

one of you!

I truely mean it!

 

Mrs. Bala GK

------------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Dear Balaji,

 

You may not understand at the moment, but the cure you seek will

come.

Why do I say so?

You are not sitting at home nursing your bitterness, but you are

talking to the world, Bhagavan automatically is aware of your plight.

 

To help you the best that I can, I will cast my mind back. Was I

bitter oh yes, was I angry, yes indeed, did I hate, I don't remember

hating. You see because of life's circumstance I did not think anyone

loved me, for being just Michael, I forgot/was deluded. It was not in

my nature to love, my heart was like a stone, I felt abandoned a

forgotten island.

 

You see my dear friend, one act of selfless love can tip the balance,

start the roller coaster homeward to 'The Beloved'.

 

There is so much love at this site.

 

Try to absorb this love into your heart, then your mind will undergo

a shift, it will transcend this painful place it dwells in.

 

When you feel those bad old feelings, just try to imagine all your

Sadhak brethren who have traveled down the same road as you.

 

I learned something profound: one is never alone, one is loved.

 

I just noted the latest posts by Jee Jee Shashikalaji and Brother

Vyas, love is not just fairy floss and candy, it can also be a good

dose of bitters. Vyasji reminds me of a headmaster I had in my youth,

a very 'dewer' Scot, but all the same, a very fine and compassionate

gentleman.

Yes indeed God does test you, knowing that, is the trick.

 

With Respect and Divine Love.

 

Mike Keenor

-----------------------------

I do not know how pertinent is this to the current thoughts and

discussions but I suppose the frequency of this topic really is

distracting from other areas and wonder such frequency and such

issues being brought out will dilute the sadhaks participation

I am not sure what

Dinesh Patel

---------------

 

Dear sadak rathindra prasad lahiri,

There are counselor who deal with family problems effectively. They

impart knowledge to accept ones mistakes and make them feel sorry

for their behavior. This is purely family problem which need to be

listened from both sides. So this site is for developing knowledge

on the SELF, that is what I feel. Most of us have family problems.

Even some bakthas underwent. This sort of problems are to be dealt

by counselor trained only for this. Bagavan HIMSELF kept quite in

not interfering family issues of Pandavas and Gowravas in many

circumstances. The sadaks are themselves are striving hard in ones

own realization and where there time to solve family quarrels.

Extremely sorry if I am wrong.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala raised two good questions. 1 How to conquer bitterness 2

How to change " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " !

 

When your desire for reciprocation, your desire for a similar

execution of duty by the other family member ( so that you don't

have to take additional responsibilty) , or desire for even an

acknowledgement- however genuine, natural or appropriate that be,

will be denied to you. Why ? Because your father considers that to

be harmful for you. Grant of this desire to you by God means

increasing your " attachment " with inert.

 

Says Yoga Vaasishtha-

 

Attachment is the cause of objects or affairs. Attachment is the

cause of worldly existence. Attachment is the cause of hopes or

desires. Attachment is the cause of calamities (DUKHALAYAM ).

 

Now through that family member, against whom you developed

bitterness, your Beloved Father is breaking your attachment,

Brother Bala !

 

Where is then the very question of bitterness arising in you ?

Instead of bitterness in fact a sense of gratitude should arise in

you for that family member. Is God not present in him/her? Love

should arise in you for him/her !! Why not devotion? Compassion

necessarily because he/she might not be knowing that he/she is being

used by the God- thus accumulating enormous negative karmas for

him/her self !

 

Love, compassion, understanding thus is the real, genuine answer !!!

Why not? Why not Sister Prepetina ? Why not Sadhak Thakurlingam?

 

So long as that does not arise, I am afraid, pain will continue .

But develop love and compassion and IMMEDIATELY " Dukhalyam " will get

converted into " KRISHNA's RAS " !!

 

Sadhak Bala !! This is the " philosopher's stone " referred by

Brother Mike Keenor- love, devotion, compassion !! Go ahead and

convert " dukhalayam " into " Krishna's Ras " ! Go ahead fearlessly, O

Brother !! Or tell me what do you lose in doing that !!!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

--------------------------------

Ram Ram

 

most of the interpersonal relationships, or for that matter, most

world problems stems from agyaana. Agyaan (ignorance) is humanity's

greatest predicament. In case of inlaws, i have seen mother inlaws

dont treat daughter inlaw as his/her own child and vice versa. thus

what we call " my " parents comes in. As students of Gita know it is

EGO (sense of I-ness). Ego related attachment is a separation line

between husband and wife's parents and hence only self knowledge can

destroy this human weakness. Only few lucky families think

of " family as one family " let alone " human race as one family. "

thats why joint family is non-existence even in india. usually my

advice to parents is to live separate from their children and grand

children as long as possible and one of the spouses are alive. its

children's duty to support their old-age parents financially with

mutual agreement between the young couple.

 

Hariom Roy

--------------------------------

 

This is the general complaint amongst many families In this case

husband and wife should understand that both parents are on equal

footing.The wife should arrange her own money to sponsor her parents

and no sooner they come arrange their separate town house. Exercise

all your rights and be kind and compassionate with your husband and

do not spoil any relation and silently be brave and take actions

according to Law. I am a social worker helping people voluntarily.

As per Gita husband and wife are together one person. This is a

social problem and can be tackled with social laws. My best wishes

 

Truly yours

S S Bhatt

--------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

 

This is to emphasize more on what already has been said by Sadhakas

on Balaji's and Lahiriji's issues, but from my experiences.

As a reminder to us as I often do to myself, Loving/Giving is only

one sided relation, not two sided like " give and take " people often

say it is. Its only " give, give, give " from your side that works,

not give and take. However, " give, give, give " becomes

automatically " give and take " in relationship when both or all

involved do it.

 

I was profoundly touched when I understood deeply J. Krishnamurti's

answer(paraphrasing).

 

Q: Why do we expect to be loved by others always?

A: Because we don't love!

 

What a short but profound answer when you think about it!

This is because if we are busy loving, where is the time to expect

love in return?!

 

Speaking from my experience, in any relationship, whenever

problem/conflict/pain etc seem to arise, I remind myself, " Pratap,

its a small price to pay for all God is giving/has given you through

this relationship " , and believe me " Krishna's Ras " starts flowing

soon.

 

It doesn't matter anymore!

Another point that helps me in the relationship is " never ever

possess another human being, be that person your spouse, parents,

children, siblings, friends. Give a person freedom first, by not

letting her/him feel guilty or self pitying. With this inner

attitude seemingly " your " actions and words speak louder!

 

It takes off so much load of our shoulders trying to change others

in the way we want for our happiness! Happiness lies in our own

change, never in changing " others " (?) because there are truly

no " others " . Apparant " others " in relationship are in our minds as

images of those " others " outside. " I " and " others " are in the same

mind in conflict fooling us not to allow us to see the reality of

Oneness!

 

" Being Grateful " all the time in our hearts is another effective

point that works miracle for some reason! Overwhelm yourself

(consciousness that " you " are, really) with idea that " God has

placed Him/Herself disguised as 'me " in the best possible situation

at this time because its what is needed now through this

relationship. See/feel Krishna's ras flowing at this time! You can

do it, really. Being Grateful is Krishna Consciousness!

 

Now all of the above pointers are inner attitudes realized through

understanding of what " I " and God are, such as, understanding is

God, actions and spoken words are God, people in relationship are

God, God is doing what God wants to do and to God herself only and

to no one else!

 

How does God do that? Because in fact, there is no one else besides

Her/Him to relate to!!! No other, no conflict! Such Existence is

LOVE of Self by Self for Self!

 

Namaskar.............Pratap Bhatt

-----------------------------

Jai Hanuman

 

Sadhak Balaji's latest message is soul touching. Let us really

address his dilemma with understanding.and let there be one more

round of discussions on 1. Giving, Giving and Giving by some one 2.

Bitterness 3. Krishna's RAS.

4 Expectation by family without any expression of

gratitude/reciprocation.

 

In the meantime let me sing this Bhajan with Sadhaks:

 

DOOSARO KA DUKHADA DOOR KARANE WALE TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !

KIYE JA TU JAG MAIN BHALAAI KA KAAM, TERE DUKH DOOR KARENGE RAAM !!

 

O Reliever of the pains of others ! Keep ( giving, giving and

giving) doing good to others. Paramatma will remove your pains.

 

KYA TUNE PAAYA, KYA TUNE KHOYA, KYA TERA LAABH HEY, KYA HAANI ! ISKA

HISAAB KAREGA WO ISHWAR , TU KYUN FIKKAR KARE RE PRAANI !! TU BAS

APNA KAAM KIYE JAA ! TERA BHANDAAR BHARENGE RAAM !!

 

What did you get (by serving/doing good) , what did you lose, what

is your, what is your loss ? This account is kept by Paramatma ! O

Jeeva , why do you worry? You simply keep doing your duty ! Your

treasury/ pockets will always be replenished by God.

 

O Reliever of sorrows of others! Your sorrows will be removed by

God !!

 

Namaste Jee

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

----------------------------

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Dilemma of Sadhak Balaji is the dilemma of every good soul. One

often gets tormented between duty , heartless beneficiaries and

pains given by surroundings to whoever indulges into goodness. I

dont know why it happens. But I am sure it happens. I request

learned Sadhaks to deal with this real genuine dilemma of a person

who is good by heart.He does good but does not see the end. He

appears tired. I am really moved by his honest narration. I am

looking forward to views of learned sadhaks of this unique satsanga

forum on the subject.

 

Regards

 

Thakurlingam

----------------------------

There is an anguish , a genuine one, in the latest message of

Balaji. I agree with Vyasji that his is an honest narration. Well !

The Qs are many. Bitterness arising after one labours for

betterment of his/her near and dear ones is understandable- provided

there is no acknowledgement from the other side . But that is how

the world is. I wonder how one crosses / quells such bitterness. It

naturally arises if there is constant disrespect to that person who

serves. Religion may ask you to be tolerant. But one has to convince

himself also - why ? Why with me? What is the answer?

 

Prepetina Gonsalves

 

-----------------------------

Sir Vyasji Maharaj

 

My sincere pranams to Your Mataji and You.

 

We all are indebted to you for joining this group. It is difficult

to imagine how this group would have been without you. Sir, you have

infused life it.

 

Jay Shri Krishna

 

Varun Prapunia

 

------------------------------

Hari Om

 

Yes Brother Mike ! " Dukhalayam " can be converted into " Vasudevah

Sarvam " ! It is goal of each of us. Compassion is the other name of

HIM. He is the kindest. Reverting to balance portion of Sadhak

Bala's response ( I am after his response because I genuinely feel

he represents majority ) . He concludes by (wrongly) relying upon an

example given by Swamiji to establish perhaps – " Nothing is Yours " :

 

QUOTE

 

Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if he were to die,

we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required

extensive caring, if he died, we would be relieved, as we had

exhausted everything to be gained from that relationship. Therefore

this leads me to believe that the love you speak of is practically

non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust,

honesty,respect, deligence in duty.

 

UNQUOTE

 

Tell me , how can Swamiji's giving the aforesaid example proves that

love is non existent in this world? If a child contracts an

incurable disease and the mother of the child very well knows that-

will she stop feeding the child ? What do you say Dear Sadhaks? Now

Balaji asks a genuine question –

 

Therefore, how do I get beyond these silly worldly matters, and

become free from bitterness and expectations from family members?

 

Answer is that first stop believing that love, compassion, trust are

non existent. Don't see them in others. See them in yourself. Show

them to others. Remember your duty is not to " expect from family

members " – Your duty is to " fulfil expectations of family members

from you " to the extent you CAN and you SHOULD ! That will surely

free you from bitterness ! Krishna 's RAS is very well lying within

you in the form of Love, Compassion and Care for all and sundry. You

must thank your stars if some one needs that from you.

 

My Mother, 75, often tells me – " Narottam, By " giving " to others

you get God, but if some body refuses to " take " from you, then who

is the loser ? "

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

--

 

Jai Shri Ram

 

I fully agree with the views of Hari Shankar Deo and Ushaji

Shridhar. Who can disagree with Jee Jee Shashikalaji ever? In

marital life two people dont gel but two families gel. What is the

difference between father and father in law? If there is a

difference then how there is an expectation from wife to treat

mother in law as mother? However I agree with Vyasji that one should

concentrate on one's duty alone. Brother Mike's observations are

full of love . Brother Vyasji is absolutely on the side of truth.

But he is too dry unlike Mike Keenor. He and Mike in fact are the

symbols of what Balaji calls - Iron hand with rosy touch

respectively. Vyasji is so straight forward, so conceptually clear

and still his views and Mike Keenor' s views gel together. This in

fact is ideal combination. Hence perhaps Balaji will have to

concede in the end that Love exists. It is not explored. If God

exists then Love also exists. No two opinions about the same! Love

heals everything. Love is the answer to every problem of humanity.

Love is the goal of every soul. All religions begin and end with

LOVE only ! Draupadi A Sharma

------------------------------

 

 

Jai Shri Krishna

 

I agree with all of you, particularly Mikeji and Ushaji and

Shashikalaji's " Everyone around us cannot act according to our

wish. " " and not looking into the duties of another " Vyasji - I agree

that I have no right looking into the duties of another, but

sometimes the scale seems unfairly lopsided, where it is only give,

give, give and bitterness that builds up. Mike - you

said " Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you, hatred

is as toxic. " I do agree it is poison and not beneficial at all, but

over the years it seems to have become a pattern of behavior that I

would like

to root out. Mikeji, then you said - " that as one feeds

the least among us,(even those you may consider unworthy), you are

feeding HIM " .

 

May be I don't truly understand what Swamiji meant when he

said " World is Dukhaalaya " (filled with sorrow). Kindly address more

the later part of my dilemma in detail, not talking about what

should be, ought to be, advice such as I should read the Gita, but

how to not see the world as " dukhaalaya " , and instead see it

as " philosopher's stone. " I think Swamiji calls it " Vasudeva

Sarvam " .

 

My focus it more what I said earlier - How do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness? How can

Krishna's " ras " penetrate through and through leaving no room for

even the slightest whiff of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter

what the situation is? How can all unfavorable situations become

Krishna's RAS. Where to begin in this transformation towards

Krishna's RAS?

 

Thank you all! I truely mean it!

 

Bala GK

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

-Shree Hari-

 

Brother Vyas's comment was most timely, as my wife and I have to deal

with added responsibilities as referred to in his response.(His

comments are also support.

Yes indeed! Bitterness is poison, to you and every one around you,

hatred is as toxic.

Swamiji referred to in a recent post about the benefits of

unfavorable situation.

Looking at the really big picture, in a spiritual sense, try to

understand, " that as one feeds the least among us,(even those you may

consider unworthy), you are feeding HIM " .

One passing observation, 'dukhaalaya', can be transmuted by the

spiritual 'philosophers stone', from the 'base metal' of sorrow, to

the 'gold' of compassion.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

----------------------------

 

Jai Hanuman

 

Ushaji is absolutely correct!

More so when she concludes-

 

Everyone around us cannot act according to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

 

Undobtedly correct, Jee ! Bolo Balaji Maharaj !! Come On, Jee !

 

Gita has never advocated looking at the duties of others! NEVER !!

Show me a single verse ! The example of young one departing or old

one departing - to my mind- doesnot address the question ( Pardon

me - Bhaiyya G K Balaji- Pls enlighten us all as to how it

addresses the Q) !

 

KAUN JAANE RE BABA DUNIYA MAIN PEER PARAAI !

 

Alas! Who knows in this world the pain of others !!

 

Namaste Jee !

 

Jee Jee

Shashikala

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Hari Om

 

Sadhak Bala's response is by and large an honest depiction. But

highly debatable. Love can never be non existent. Let us deal para

wise. He says

 

Quote

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Unquote

 

But my answer to him is that how this question of " taking additional

responsibilty " arises at all ? How one determines what is others'

responsibility/duty? How can bitterness come in the picture? Is

expecting some one to do his/her duty not a " desire " of yourself ?

Reply yes or no !

 

If it is your desire from others' conduct, however right or correct

you may be , pain/sorrow will flow unto you ! Simply because it is

not your duty to look/judge conduct of others. Simply because DESIRE

OF WORLDLY THINGS/ FROM WORLDLY PEOPLE ultimately, as a law,

produces only sorrow. Simply because only when you don't do

your " duty " the sorrow can flow unto you !!

Doing- what is " your duty and your own duty only and not looking at

all at others' duties " - this can never produce sorrow- come what

may !

 

Once you agree to that( argue if you want) - where is the reason for

bitterness? Where is the question of helplessness? Where is the

question of obliging the spouse? If your spouse is idiot/non

cooperative - why you should take additional responsibility? If you

must take that (alleged her/his) responsibility, how that is not

your duty? If it is your duty or becomes your duty, where does the

question of blame/bitterness/accomodation arise?

 

By the way how does taking others' responsibilties ( service) upon

your shoulders and fulfilling those responsibilities to be as your

own responsibilty deters you from your spiritual pursuits? Is that

not " selfless service " ? If yes, is that not your " duty " as a

sadhak ?

 

( Comments limited to extracted para quoted above only)

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

----------------------------

 

Hari Om.

We have totally mistaken the life process. when we enter a wed lock

we should forgive and forget the others mistakes. There is no

commitment in friendship, but there is commitment in our

relationship. A woman has womb and so biologically she can show

emotional behaviour positively.

Everyone around us cannot act accoring to our wish. This is the base

of individual difference. So for the mind management we should read

Gita. GIta alone can save us from calamities.

With regards,

 

Usha Sridhar

 

------------------------------

When 2 people marry, 2 families become one. It is the duty of each

family to take part in the joys and sorrows of the other. So if you

see things in this light then the issue resolves itself. But of

course the husband and the wife must be open with each other,

especially in financial matters. It is money which makes enemies.

 

Hari Shanker Deo

 

------------------------------

 

 

 

PRIOR POSTING

Jai Shri Krishna

 

Ushaji, I re-read your message. Thank you for the same!

 

So how is one to have " an iron hand with a rosy touch? "

 

If seems that sometimes ones experiences appear as " dukhaalaya "

(filled with sorrow), a helpless feeling! and over time one accepts

the situations as they are and does their duty, sewa (service) and

sadhana, but being somewhat bitter. We are all highly inter-

dependent, then isn't it natural to expect some basics such as

honesty, fulfilling duties, respecting extended family from those we

live with? Is it wrong to want relief from the burden of taking on

additional responsibilities of doing their duties as well, not

leaving any time for spiritual pursuits etc.? Why is this constant

use of iron hand required and the diplomacy of rosy touch even with

those that we live with?

 

Lahiriji, you said " The moot question is love , sharing and caring

among all relations selflessly and then and then only peace remains

in family " . Is there truly such a thing existing? According to

Swamiji's posting, he has indicated that in most worldly

relationships - people

only want service, want to gain something from the other party! We

too are in

the same boat. Swamiji gave example of a 25 year old healthy son if

he were to

die, we will be deeply tormented, because we had expectations of

gaining

something from that relationship, whereas a sick 25 year old, whose

hospital

bills were huge and caused extensive grief and required extensive

caring, if he

died, we would be relieved, as we had exhausted everything to be

gained from

that relationship. Therefore this leads me to believe that the love

you speak

of is practically non-existent in this world.

 

Sorry for derailing and not staying with the subject being

discussed. My personal observation so far has been that practically

every household is missing this element - love, sharing caring

(which Mr. Lahiri speaks off) along with mutual trust, honesty,

respect, deligence in duty. Therefore, how do I get beyond these

silly worldly matters, and become free from bitterness and

expectations from family members? How can Krishna's " ras " penetrate

through and through leaving no room for even the slightest whiff

of " dukhaalaya " or bitterness no matter what the situation is? How

can all unfavorable situations become Krishna's RAS.

 

Bala GK

--------------------------

 

-Shree Hari-

 

I had an assistant in my last job who was a very spiritual soul, very

gifted. One day after several years she saw my wife and I together

for the first time. She commented, " It was very strange, it was like

seeing two identical people " , I think I commented to the effect, that

I was the one with the beard.

You see observing the world through her eyes, she was looking past

the gender, skin etc, using simple language, she was seeing soul to

soul, (with acknowledgment to Vernon Kitabu Turner, Roshi).

And of course in marriage roles change, my wife has been my nurse

when I was ill and visa versa, I have even been cook when times were

desperate! The point is love, good humour, and honesty, will ride

over the mole hills before they become mountains.

 

Has not Swamiji said many times, to the effect. " Only God is mine,

and I am Gods " .

 

Brother Vyas I have pasted in B.G. 17 through 19, it turns one away

from mine, yours etc.

 

Of them, the wise man, e'er steadfast,

Devoted to the One, excels;

Supremely dear am I to him,

And he is dear to Me, as well. (17)

 

All these indeed are exalted,

But I see the man of wisdom

As My Self. He, with mind steadfast,

Abides in Me, the Supreme Goal. (18)

 

At the end of his many births

The wise man takes refuge in Me.

He knows: " All is Vasudeva.3 "

How very rare is that great soul! (19)

 

I suppose the answer to the question is deal with the relationship

with love, find love and understanding, to understand human frailty.

 

With Respect and Divine Love,

 

Mike Keenor

 

 

------------------------------

Hari Om.

we are perfectly governed by Thri Gunas.

The nature's Triguna timetable starts at 6 a.m.

Every guna is present in the nature for 11/2(one and half hours).

when sathvik acts right from a bee to a giant all living beings

enjoy sathvik.

Next comes Rajo Guna.

During this period of one and half hour the whole world is in rajas--

involving in creation,fighting,anger,disputes etc.

Next comes Thamo Guna for one and half hour,

During this period the whole world tend to be lazy,

cheating,lying ,involving in disgraceful acts etc.

 

The only way to get away from cheating is to

show non violence,tolerance and toleration towards them.

The same way if the in laws are shown true love,sympathy,

care,tolerance and toleration,they will surely change.

We should do dedicated service like MOther THerasa

To our family members.

But we should have an iron hand with rosy touch.

We should struggle to make them happy.

Never hesitate to tell them that we are unhappy with their

approach.

Keep telling them in a friendly way.

One day everything will change!!!!

Keep Chanting Krushna's name to keep calm.

 

With regards,

usha sridhar.

 

-----------------------------

thanks for ur mails they are really nice and helpful thanks

tc.. (Gitanjali singh)

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

Hari Om

 

What a divine shape the deliberations are taking !!

 

I agree entirely with you Dear Colline Crider !

 

And with Cheryl too ( Except reg possibility/feasibility of " pre

planning " - .merely because in my view nothing can ALWAYS be pre-

planned by the " doer " - " in-principle difference of opinion " ) !

 

Do you too agree with me Mr Lallubhai ? Mr Lahiri ??

 

You see , it is not a question of marital life alone. It is a

question relating to duties of each and every " human being " .

 

You come across " your personal/exclusive duties " time and again in

present human life while playing " various roles " ( quite

often " quite a few roles " - even in an any given 12/24 hour period)

frankly that and that duties/roles alone - which duties/roles start

from OWN body/ ego/ mind/ intellect and then keep extending to OWN

parents, to better/worse half, to HER/HIS PARENTS/ to own

children, to legacy members( kautumba/kula/ own family/extended

family ) to caste/ creed/ colour/ culture to society to village to

State to Country to Humanity at large , to all creatures , to all

beings, to all things , ... And so on !

 

So what is the governing principle ? Says Taat Shree- Swamiji

Ramsukhdasji Maharaaj-

 

EITHER

 

Nothing/No one / No body is YOURS ( including your own self/ body/

mind/ ego/ intellect etc)

 

OR

 

Every thing/ Every one/ Every body is YOURS( including of course

your or some one else' Father / Father in law/ Mother/ Mother in

law/ Daughter / Daughter in law etc etc etc - irrespective of any

caste/ creed/culture/colour/civilisation/country/character/

code/conduct/co- relation/ concept etc etc)

 

No in between status please. No " some are mine and some are not " ,

please ! EITHER/OR !! No inequality please!!

 

No " Maamkah " ( mine) and No " Pandavaschaiv " (Others'). Please (

Gita- First Chapter, First Verse) !!

 

" Mahabharata " will take place if you do so !!! " Kurukshetra " then

shall be your home/mind/ego/intellect and all that who/which you

consider to be " me " or " mine " !

 

Either none/ nothing is yours or all are yours ! What do you say,

Brother Mike Keenor! Is not that a bare minimum honesty, Mike ?

 

Raam! Raam!! Raam!!!

 

EITHER

 

All ( Mere to Girdhar Gopal)

 

Or

 

None ( Doosaro Na Koi)

 

If " Doosara " means for any body - " Pandavaschaiva " (BG 1:1) -

then " VASUDEV SARVAM " (BG 7:19) !!

 

Jai Shree Krishna

 

Vyas N B

 

-----------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

 

When a couple marries, the in-laws must be regarded as extended

family members.This is the only way there can be peace and harmony

for the married couple.If either side has financial difficulties,

then, those that can assist should do so.An open discussion is a

must when dealing with financial matters.......household matters

between a husband and a wife must be open and judgements made

wisely.Both sets of parental in-laws should be welcomed at any

time. If not there will be disharmany for the married couple which

could place a big rift in the marriage.

Colline Crider

------------------------------

 

My thoughts on this subject. .. what I believe to be true for me

 

I think once a couple have married everything they acquire after

belongs to both of them. anything earned before marriage is owned

singularly but to be shared equally. meaning if marriage should end

what was his before marriage is in no question and what was hers is

in no question. What they acquired together is to be divided. Not

because he bought it he owns it, cause I can say she cleaned it and

took care of it. Or vice versa whoever is playing what role

 

I believe nothing should be hidden from the other. Any and all

decisions should be made together. No matter how big or small. But I

feel those guidelines should have been made before marriage was

established. For example. I would never ask a man for money to buy

myself clothes or personal items. Finances should be discussed prior

and budgets and limits established. One another should know their

role and responsibilities whatever it be.

 

Personally when it comes to family I see where there would be

nothing to question when another family member were in debt and " we "

were financially sound to be able to help. But it should be

discussed and agreement reached.

I feel never ever in a marriage is it ok to hide, sneak or lie. EVER

And as far as equality. the only equality that should be important

is that one anothers needs are being met equally not one more

important than the other

 

Sheryl Howland

 

---------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

 

Shree Hari:

Ram Ram.

QUESTION AND COUNTER QUESTION ENCOUNTERED BY ANSWER

 

Bandhuvar! what is in our hands? nothing. we are neither the doer

nor the enjoyer. once we surrender to God and if afterwards we feel

we can change situations conforming to our wishes, it is great

mistake. as regards duties and rights of wife and husband, the

marriage vows tell us in full detail. either the two lied there or

they didn't understand what they said there to each other. Ignorance

is sin and sin is rewarded inevitably. that's all.

Humbly, Sarvottam.

 

------------------------

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Dealing with (alleged) dishonesty(?) in any relationship(let alone

in-laws) is free of gender, and applies equally to all parties

involved. What work in relationship are unconditional Love,

patience, endurance, trust, impartiality, selflessness, all of which

are gender-free!

In short If we follow our dharma, karmas will take care of perceived

problems!

Look at it this way:

We may be asking how to control " other " person in relationship

without changing ourselves first. We may be dealing with the person

based on our own image of the " person " in our mind built over the

years of dealing, which is " past " mistakenly taken as present person.

We have to clearly see that solution lies in changing ourselves

first. The change in us changes everything regardless whether or not

the " other " changes or not! Love and honest communications in the

family hold the key to every solution.

What holds us together is our Love for each other and nothing else.

Such Love tells us how to resolve the problem.

When God answers our sincere and impersonal prayers, God changes us

first and then if needed the " other " (my experience). One thing for

sure, when it is all done, it will be fair to all parties whether

we realize or not at that time!

 

Namaskara........Pratap Bhatt

 

 

 

 

-------------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

Dear Mr Lahiri.

 

Your counter questions should not be addressed logically IN THE NAME

OF GENDER EQUALITY. There is no equality of duties for respective

relationships. Each has a separate , unique and personal duty.

Moreover, one's duty is rights/entitlement/prerogative (adhikaar) of

another. As far as human birth is concerned it is given for

performance of one's duties and for that only. Hence wife and

husband or father and son or brother and sister or employer and

employee etc etc - no two relations can be so casually equated. More

so when one's duty is another's right/entitlement (adhikaar). Hence

in my humble view your counter question though full of emotions,

lacks in logic from my perspective.

 

By the way, any talk of equating a female and a male is absolutely

degrading and insulting to females !! They are so much greater than

the males that a talk of equating them with males is an insult to

them. Even Sanatana Dharma gives 1000 times more weightage to a

Mother in comparison with a Father. Why then you should talk about

gender equality. If you want to achieve that, address males to rise

to the levels of females !

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

------------------------------

From my point of view, wife has to surrender, and accept the

misbehaviour of her husband as it is , as this is the decision of

Almighty. If there is Almighty , it is also said that HE is

omnipresent , definately there will be a solution to this problem.

But what is required she has to accept her husband as it is .

 

suresh goel

 

 

------------------------------

 

Love and patience

- Unknown -

----------------------------

 

Dear Sadaks,

Vedas and sastras are framed in such a manner that it is difficult

for normal man to understand. It is very difficult. But they are

framed fool proof and accurately. Even Devatas or God HIMSELF cannot

bypass. Example: Sri Krishna at tender age, stoned Gopi's pots full

of butter while they were carrying on their head. Result HE was

stoned by the woman guardians of Mother Padmavathi (whose temple is

at Tiruchanur at foot of Thirupathi- Wife of Sri Venkateswara) when

Sri Vishnu as Srinivasa came in search of Mother Padmavathi daughter

of Askash Raj. Woman guardians were Gopis in earlier birth and

Bagavan Srinivasa was Sri Krishna then. In similar manner Bagavan

Shiva (in disguise of a laborer)was beaten by Chola king for

rescueing old lady called Pittu.

In Rama Prabavam script it is said: A woman who sins those sins are

bourne by the husband. But if Husband sins, it does not affect his

wife. Since woman are dependent, the acts of men does not affect

women. This is Vedic Sastra- Ref: Yoga Vasista script.

Women are to be silent spectators, by which they become so powerful

that they can stop solar system. Besides after their death, they are

never born again. They are liberated.

Jai Sri Krishna

baiya sathyanarayan

------------------------------

 

PRIOR POSTING

ORIGINAL Question: How to deal with wife when she is absolutely pro

her own

parents and ignores parents of her husband or keeps fighting with

them? Or when she is too attached to her parents and conceals from

her husband certain finacial supports which she keeps extending to

her parents and behaves with her mother in law in an opposing and

fighting manner only. When she is too attached with her parents and

ignores in-laws? What if she even indulges into dishonesty with

husband to secretly pass on hard earned money of her husband to her

parents ? What are the duties of husband in this regard? How to

control a cold hearted wife like that? What the son's parents should

do?

Lallubhai Chirimar

-----------------------------

 

NEW POSTING

 

To Respected Vyasji and Dear Sadhaks

 

I must express my gratitude to all of you and state that I am

really moved by the kind of responses given to me. In retrospect, I

have no hesitation in admitting that I might be overemphasising. I

will not say now even that She also must have erred. I will

definitely now try to see the other side. I got the message. I am

not able to find any fault in the advices given to me. I have to

mend my approach. I made your responses to be read by my parents

also. We want peace in the home- definitely. Kids also want that

perhaps more than us. I will start by unconditionally apologising to

my wife, present all the responses to her, and then seek a common

way out. Thanks . Thank you very much. You really opened my eyes.

 

Pranaam

 

Lallubhai Chirimar

 

 

 

 

-----------------------------

Dear Mr Chirimar,

From your email it appears that there is a communication gap between

the two of you, and the reason is ego, perhaps on both sides. Since

the question arises from you, would like to deal with your

difficulties alone.

Through the letter it appears that you

a/feel your wife is too fond of her own parents

b/is not fond of your parents

c/has full charge of your earnings and misuses that power,

d/ All this increases the tension and friction in your home,

widening the gap in the marriage.

 

I find strong elements of envy and jealousy form your post, please

look inward, unless you do this, you will not get at the root. It

appears that you belong to the old school which holds, " My parents

are your responsibilities, your parents are nobody's

responsibility. " Whe you come from that root, its a recipe for

disaster. She can sense your double standards and therefore is

concealing her gifts to her parents. First, show her by example, how

much you love her parents, take gifts yourself there, and then see

how she will care for your parents. You need to look within and root

out old fashioned views and envy, jealousy and your life will be

great. Meanwhile also observe if there are genuine problems that

need your intervention at home between your parents and your wife.

 

Lata Jagtiani

 

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadhakas, Namaste!

Unconditional Love, honest communication within family, and treating

wife/daughter-in-law as daughter can change such a person.

Gita provides the platform to develop above qualities. To control

wife/daughter is not really the solution as it seems to be implied

in the question.

Investigation into ones own motives, desires and ways to possess

other human beings is what is required here. If we act from some

authority, we need to change to act from understanding!

If we understand where such drives originate in us thoroughly, we

can be free from their grips over us, and only then we can be guided

by wisdom. That's where Gita comes to help.

Namaskar.........Pratap Bhatt

------------------------------

Hare Krishna

Dear Lallubhaiji,

 

I would suggest you to concentrate on fulfilling the role of husband

dutifully. It is a husband's duty to educate her wife wherever she

is crossing the line. Whatever you have said to us, you can also

discuss the same with your wife. Make her aware of your problems.

When you talk she might also reveal some reservations, problems she

is facing with you and your mother, which you might not be aware of.

 

After discussing the problem even she doesn't want to change then

you can hardly do anything. Ultimately she will only suffer. We have

all come alone and we will all depart alone. We cannot improve

others’ nature, attitude etc. We can only purify our nature.

 

Hare Krishna

Varun P. Paprunia

 

-------------------------

 

Hari Om

 

As a law if you call some one to be dishonest, then some dishonesty

definitely exists in you also ! It is a law. You can't see a trait

in others, if it does not exist in you. What about that dishonesty?

To be pro one's parents, to love one's parents, to serve one's

parents, to help one's parents is a virtue not a vice. - First

thing. Moreover, once you have children, her parents are entitled to

accept even food of your house as per Hindu Sanatan Dharma. There is

nothing wrong or unusual about that.

 

Secondly, how can she pass on " your " money ? Once you give her money-

it becomes " her " money. It ceases to be your money. Why can't she

utilise money given to her the way she wants? Sure, she is doing a

mistake by being secretive, but that may be because she fears your

disapproval. What will you do, if your parents suffer? If you still

feel that " your " money should be utilised only the way you want that

to be spent, then keep money with yourself. Why do you give her

money and then doubt her? Is it fair? Is it justice?

 

You state she fights with your parents. That she should not. The

best cure is that you don't fight with your parents. Talk with your

parents, say you don't want her to fight with them. They will

understand. Are you sure she is fighting generally or on specific

issue concerning her own parents? If former is the case then you

should firmly state to her that it is not correct and you should

never fight with your parents. You should set the example. If latter

is correct, then you should think in terms of loving her parents

also as much you love your parents. What is wrong with that? Are

they not your parents also? If you like your parents, then like her

parents also!

 

In all the cases, distrust and blaming your better half should

cease. If she is not good enough, in accordance with your standards,

stick to your standards by conduct. Talk sweetly to her and tell her

that you don't want her to deal financially with her parents,

secretly. If she has her savings , then she can always do that

openly.

 

But talk sweetly. Not in a blaming manner. You won't succeed if you

force your powers directly. You will succeed only in worsening the

situation. She is not your slave, bought in an auction. She is your

wife.She got wedded with you , as per divine will , in the presence

and approval of your parents. She is there to settle her prior

contractual obligations with you, and the moment the account is

properly settled, she will cease to be " yours " . As simple as that !

 

Hence if you are insistent upon her not loving her parents, then

believe me you are accumulating negative karmas for yourself.

 

Read advice of other sadhaks also.

 

Jai Shree Krishna

Vyas N B

 

------------------------------

PRIOR POSTING

Dear Sadak Lallubhai Chirimar,

The wife is given to you based on your previous Karmas. In fact she

is taking away your cause and effect (sins done ealier or previous

birth). She is designed so to behave. Your patience is your tool.

You can hold your financial matters strictly with you secretly. You

don't show hatred to her. Your unpleasent behaviour will only add

more to your Karmas. The total family of your and her`s are on a

stage to peform their dialogues, actions etc, based on your earlier

misdeeds which you are now not aware off. To prove this, just

approach any good astrologer, give your date of birth and time

details, he will tell you the same what you are undergoing. You

only remain witness to all.

 

The great saint Swami Ramanujam had similar wife. He gave her

warning three times. Then he never uttered any single word to

displease her, but left her in her parents house for good and became

saint. Sant Tukaram had similar wife. She even beat Tukaram with a

sugarcane in his head hard enough that sugar cane split into two

pieces. Sant smiled and said that Panduranga was kind enough to

break two pieces one for him and other for her.

These saints had knowledge about past present and future. In your

case, remain silent and dont add more sins by harsh words, and by

crude actions.

Jai Sri Krishna

 

baiya sathyanarayan

---------------------------

Dear Friend

 

Gita does not have any verse ,to my limited knowledge and

understanding ,for remedy of specific situation refered by you.

 

However ,it offers solution to basic/root/core problem. There is

no problem which cannot be solved to entire satisfaction of all by

understanding reading and understanding Gita All the characters or

parts in Gita are within us and the fight is internal fight.

 

Are you willing and prepared to go to war? Read Gita again and again

till you locate solution. I can assure you that you will find an

amicable solution.

 

regards

 

Ashok Jain

---------------------------

Shree Hari

Ram Ram

 

If we understand the idea of " Vasudeva Sarvam " per Swamiji's

teachings, it becomes clear that all situations that come to us are

for our spiritual growth, benefit and upliftment as God Himself

presents Himself in these various situations.

 

Swamiji says when a situation comes to us (from God), then why must

we question? A few rupees leaving your household for the care of in-

laws, may be a much needed thing for your extended family, and at

the same time can make your wife feel very helpful, useful, and

happy. At least she did not spending it on jewellery/clothes/kitty

parties with gambling, or other evil things. It is being used for

helping your extended family. Ofcourse her bias to her own parents

is not ideal.

Also you may need to think deeply as to why she found it necessary

to hide and give money? What prevented her from openly sharing with

you her desire to give to her family? It may be worth introspecting.

 

All unfavorable situations (pratikulataa) result in eradication of

our sins. It is almost as if the debt is getting paid off. During

low periods (unfavorable situations) in one's lives, many devotees

have become great Saints. Therefore all of these situations are

nothing but in your favor. They are cleansing your sins.

 

Swamiji's book on " How to Lead a Householder Life " has tips for all

members of the family. I will try to include some thoughts from

that book in the next posting.

 

All will be alright.

Meera Das

Ram Ram

 

---------------------------

 

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Ram Ram

------------------------

 

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