Are you not sick and tired of being sick and tired???

Pankaja_Dasa · November 28, 2006

I am actually not initiated anymore. I never surrendered to Gurudeva. After 3 years I hardly chanted or followed the principles after 3 years. I did nothing to serve Him, except pretend to preach on the internet. He rejected me in a way I cannot say on-line ( mainly because nobody would believe me), I know I am unfortunate because I had Pure Guru, but I think PERSONALLY, I was bound to make this mistake. I still think He helped me. And strangly I always always attracted to Srila Narayana Maharaja even though I had Bhakti Vaibhava Puri Maharaja as my Guru. I am glad He rejected a fool like me. I would never learned my lesson otherwise. Now I am trying to get back on track and not make same mistake again. I am not thinking about initiation, but to see and goto India, and just go there basically. I have to say that I did some really bad things like swearing at Krishna and even Nityananda, and at Muslims and Qu'ran etc. I am trying to change now. And I found out that I need to respect. But not easy for me. Krishna gave me so many chances to serve Guru, but I always rejected, but still Guru helps me, sorry if i sound sentiMENTAL or anything. I don't want sympathy, or forgiveness. I want to redeem myself and serve HUMBLY. And really this time try to actually be serious which I was not. It's not easy admitting to myself I was never serious. And i nearly went to a mental hospital in the process. I have to say the mind is a total devil. It says things to you. Anyway, I still Guru picture but mosly in my mind. I think Gurudeva already knew about this, because I was guided to goto Narayana Maharaja even before this happened. That's the mercy of my Gurudeva ki jai!

November 28, 2006

There is nothing sentimental in your post. Just a honest admission (which requires a lot of courage, I appreciate you for that) of the problems that grip most of us. I have done much worse things than you have mentioned. But we have to just keep trying. It's never easy.

As regards Babhru, I agree. A truly sincere devotee from what I can make of in his posts. I suggested you speak to your Guru maharaja simply because he knows you personally, having initiated you in person and knows your heart.

I agree about Srila Narayana Maharaja as well. A truly exalted personality.

I am actually not initiated anymore. I never surrendered to Gurudeva. After 3 years I hardly chanted or followed the principles after 3 years. I did nothing to serve Him, except pretend to preach on the internet. He rejected me in a way I cannot say on-line ( mainly because nobody would believe me), I know I am unfortunate because I had Pure Guru, but I think PERSONALLY, I was bound to make this mistake. I still think He helped me. And strangly I always always attracted to Srila Narayana Maharaja even though I had Bhakti Vaibhava Puri Maharaja as my Guru. I am glad He rejected a fool like me. I would never learned my lesson otherwise. Now I am trying to get back on track and not make same mistake again. I am not thinking about initiation, but to see and goto India, and just go there basically. I have to say that I did some really bad things like swearing at Krishna and even Nityananda, and at Muslims and Qu'ran etc. I am trying to change now. And I found out that I need to respect. But not easy for me. Krishna gave me so many chances to serve Guru, but I always rejected, but still Guru helps me, sorry if i sound sentiMENTAL or anything. I don't want sympathy, or forgiveness. I want to redeem myself and serve HUMBLY. And really this time try to actually be serious which I was not. It's not easy admitting to myself I was never serious. And i nearly went to a mental hospital in the process. I have to say the mind is a total devil. It says things to you. Anyway, I still Guru picture but mosly in my mind. I think Gurudeva already knew about this, because I was guided to goto Narayana Maharaja even before this happened. That's the mercy of my Gurudeva ki jai!