PremaDhaara

[Guest guest]

SAIRAM dear fellow travellers...

 

I would like to share with you a Divine experience I had an year back,

that I have written in my BABA diary....

 

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Friends,

 

I have a story to tell, an incident to narrate, that I was blessed to have.

 

I have the courage to live only because I believe it is not I, but, it

is He, who is doing all I did, I do and what I am going to.

 

I have the courage to travel into the next second of life, only

because I believe He is present in my breath.

 

I sing and pray only because I believe He is all ears to it.

 

Sometimes out of frustration, I come to blame Bhagawan and doubt Him.

I feel if all this belief around which I have built a world for

myself, is nothing.... if this tree on which I am hanging has no base.

 

When I see what going on around me is not according to what I believed

to happen, when what I see, hear and perceive collapse my dreams,

appear to be contradicting the truths I believed, I feel insecure.

 

When I feel no trace of the Mother and her fragrance around, I doubt

my own origin,

my own existence.

 

When I am surrounded by this doubt and fear...He will touch me once and exactly

once.... with love. To show me what He is.... what love is.

 

I was returning from my workplace, today with a discomforted mind

described above. I tried to pray, I tried to get solace by listening

to Bhajans and His discourse.

 

I tried to sing for myself. I was constantly striving to calm down my

soul. I was

struggling hard like a thirsty man for a drop of water.... for a feel

of Him around.

In some form, somehow.... a short glimpse of Him.

 

Man, I was dying.... I said to Him, "I will be happy to leave my last

breath the next second if only I see your love, what it is and how it

is."

 

I was living only for the sake of living. The ego never gave rest to

my mind and thus wherever I search for peace, what I find are only

pieces.

 

Where is that face which shone like thousand suns?

Where is that smile which sprinkled the glory of a million moons?

Where is the hand that had the warmth of the touch of a hundred mothers?

Where is it? Is it just my hallucination?

What I thought I saw, was it just a mirage?

What I heard, was it just a beautiful tale?

 

I believed in His words. In His looks that showered grace.

When He waved His hand, I thought He was assuring me.

When He smiled, I thought He loved me.

When tears rolled down my eyes, I thought He touched me.

 

Whenever I kiss my mother, I hear Him whispering to me.

And today when I heard my father's voice I thought He caressed me, He

patted me...In every note of music that wafts around, I see His expressions.

 

Never did He talk to me, but I always hear Him.

Never did He look at me, but I always feel the warmth.

 

Did He deceive me?

Did my heart deceive me?

Did my tears deceive me?

Did I deceive myself? Did I?

 

Who am I? Whom should I live for? My parents?

My friends? Myself? For Him? If so, Who is He?

 

Is there any purpose to my existence? Is there any destination to my journey?

 

There are only questions all through. Not even one single answer. The

biggest question is: "what is the question?"

 

By these thoughts and questions, I am driving myself into the

whirlpool, but not towards the shore. And the day continued into night

only to show me He does listen to us.

 

I was on my way back home...2, Rue de Fleury...walking over the

deserted streets of Fontainebleau.

 

To one side of the road, there was lying an old woman in rags. With a

child in her

arms, in a blissful doze. As the Sun slowly moved off, the chill

strengthened itself.

The old woman was trying to provide warmth to the child with the one

and only one

rug she has. I could make out she was a beggar. As I walked beside

her, she looked into my eyes and pointed to the board before her.

Though the French on the board told me nothing, her eyes told me what

she wanted.

 

It was not her plea to give her something that I saw in her eyes. It

was His plea asking me to realize Him in every living being...

 

I remember seeing my purse empty in the morning. Somehow, I proceeded to open

it. There was nothing inside. My heart sank. With a heavy sigh, I was putting my

purse back into the back pocket. I felt something inside. I dragged it

out quickly...A

10-euro note. Big note!! (10 euro = Rs.500!!)

 

I searched for a smaller one. I couldn't find any. I closed my eyes

and turned back. But her looks did not vanish before my eyes, her

pleading looks did not. I came back towards her and sat close to her.

She smiled trying to hide her gloom, this time!!

 

I saw Him again!! She understood that I was struggling between a big

note and a big heart. She did not want to trouble me and tried to act

as if she is happy and fine. I did not see the plea to help, in her

eyes anymore!!! Only a pure smile, white smile.

 

I saw Him again!! I saw in those eyes...how much He loves me...how

much He cares for me...how much pain He takes for me.

 

My friends...I saw Him. How many mothers can equal Him?

 

Now, I looked again at the 10-Euro note...It now seemed too small for her. Too

worthless for her. I searched my pockets again more fervently, this

time, for a bigger note, as bigger as possible. No use. I looked back

at her. The same smile.

 

I realized my folly. "Mother, How foolish I am? How much bigger note

can I give you to repay for your love?", I said to her in English. She

smiled again.

 

"How much of wealth in this world can equal your love?"

 

I took her bag and put the 10-Euro into it. I know she wouldn't take

it, if I give it to

her hand. Now, I looked again into her eyes. Her eyes shone with happiness.

It was not her happiness of getting 10 Euros I saw in her eyes.

 

It was the content of the Divine mother I saw, when she sees her child

has finally

won, when she sees he has finally overcome his mind, and started

listening to his

heart.

 

I took her hand into my hand and kissed it. I turned back.

 

Now, I know what I have to live for.

 

SAIRAM