where did it go

Thats the game.Lose everything to gain everything. Depends on the karma you carry over and the potency of your desire to be rid of it , or better put , to lose onself in Krsna. Krsna is never cruel ,of course , but moths get burnt flying too close too a flame ,they can't help themselves , the attraction is too strong ,and thats o.k. too.I was a moth also. I was a perfectionist from birth, never satisfied with whatever i did ,always pushing myself i.e. , a prime candidate to learn Compassio the HARD way. I could only see my ( and thus of course everyone else's ) faults .A glass half empty , rather than half full type.O.k. , enough info re. this insignificant life (amongst so many before and no doubt after this current one.) Even a mere ( by spiritual comparison ) drug-free (lol) sporting world champion has to undertake massive discipline to achieve a mere worldly goal.And we expect LESS of a spiritual goal ? Yes , for some fortunate/older souls ,few in number , whose karmic bonds to Mayic delusion are fragile , cruise through Sannyas . A true test of a devotee is never how much ...'happinesss' he/she feels .The deeper thread is always sincerity.Those further on the path than the rest of us only look at the SINCERITY of a sadhak . The stronger the disciple , the stronger the tests . We read in the Great Books about the great trials devotees of Krsna suffered but which never threatened their determination or faith for an instance and yet , somehow , when it applies to US ,to me PERSONALLY...........then its all so different .But that was history !!! No ,No , No , THEN it is all becoming very very Real , and to feel Lord Krsna's compassion in one's suffering is worth far far more than mere 'happiness'

thanks for keeping it real-cancer does that hey ? It's so easy to be a devotee when you have a fit strong body . I used too also when young,i was as fit as a bull , never really experiencing any real body/mind stress. I have had excruitating headaches for decades , no matter what i try to aleviate the suffering. I simply just accept it as my karma now.If Krsna wants to change my condition , then thats o.k.also ...lol. Perhaps compassion , as in my case ,has to be taught with a very blunt instrument .I do 'get it 'now ! No-one is a true disciple until truely tested .When it comes ...? I have witnessed so many disciples full of bhakti for a time , often in the early days ,running around and telling all and sundry with authority how to find Krsna , until the first real test comes , that is.Then so many leave or become 'strange'... Maya clouds our vision and dictates to us that we know so much and thus can pass judgement so blithely on others.Only Krsna can really ever know a jiva's innner struggle. Walk a mile in my shoes , before you critise and choose............ So to answer the question , Yes i do feel that 'strange kind of happiness ' from time to time ,(i get lifted out of myself ),AND ALSO trying my best at the same time to be strong in that whatever Krsna deems fit for me , i.e. more than half my life with debilitating migranes , is HIS will and i bow my head to it.