The new "Ramayana"

[starrdarcy]

hi, i'm new here!

 

No, this is not another translation of the Ramayana, this is my version of the story!

 

Everyone knows whats it about, so you want have trouble with what i am going to talk about.

 

I have just started a series called the "Legends Re-told" This series takes old epics and retells them in modern, or future times. In the ramayana, the new version takes place in the Years of 2199 to 2257. Most of the characters and scenes are kept (I need help to locate a full story of the Ramayana, and the characters!). The story of the ramayana inspired me to write, and now i am writing the third chapter already. I will soon quote some parts out of my story. If you want the full version of the chpters as i progress, give me a e-mail at starrdarcy@hotmail.com. Thats all. Any question? Feel free to ask me. Thanks.

[Gauracandra]

Here is a suggestion. Whenever people try to adapt a religious story for modern times there are always those who will complain.

 

One solution to this would be to try to capture the themes of the stories, even if the actual underlying story you create is different. This way the ideas still get transferred without you receiving too many complaints.

 

Still this doesn't always work. I remember there was complaining about "The Legend of Bagger Vance" by Hindus. I thought it was quite well done and in fact found nothing offensive. But because it wasn't a literal adaptation people thought it was demeaning.

[starrdarcy]

I think the place, and time of were my new version is, people will always complain. I will try to post a quote from my chapters later on. Thanks!

[starrdarcy]

Well i said i would supply the chapters as i progress. Heres the first chapter. Feel free to ask questions. Thanks!

 

Chapter One

Ayodhya

 

It was a sunny day in the beautiful city of Ayodhya. There was not a cloud in sight and the blazing sun gave everything below a glow. On the highway just west in the outskirts of the city, the sunny skies and light breeze made driving very pleasant. Dasaratha, the owner of Kosala Inc. was driving to work on his daily commute from the urban sprawl of neighboring Tuscany valley. He was ready for work at and looking professional. His black suit, gold necklace, and tie. He turned on the radio to his favorite station. A soft voiced man was on,

“good morning everyone, this is 1190 Easy FM Ayodhya easy listening station, on a beautiful Monday morning, the temperature for the city is 20, and were expecting sun, sun, and more sun, for this week. Your listening to the morning show with Al and Al. This morning were talking about the corporate success of Kosala Inc.”

“Yes, Al. Kosala Inc. is another sign of India’s fast growing economy, and business scene. In fact Kosala Inc. is top one hundredth fastest growing company in India according to the Business Weekly Magazine. I bet the stockholders are happy about that Al.”

“That’s true, I own some shares and I make money off the company every day. Lets hope Kosala continues to grow.”

“Well Al, it’s time again to see what’s happening on the roads of Ayodhya, here’s Tom to tell us what’s happening with the morning commute to work.”

“Hello Al and Al. Well its an average morning commute, we have the I-23P backed up for a little, and some traffic on the highway-12 by-pass. As for-.”

Dasaratha turned off the radio, and put the top down on his Parvati. The rush of cool air was a refreshing feeling. As he got closer to the City of Ayodhya, the tall business towers of the city, especially those of the Kosala Center seemed to reach for the heavens. The city core of Ayodhya was beautiful, there was medium sized trees that doted the sides of every sidewalk, and countless gardens that lay on the side of the road, the many shops, and stores. Each were decorated on the outside to fit in with the theme of the city core, a traditional 2010 era style of building, with large arches, pillars, bold colors and fake facades.

Dasaratha turned off the main road and stopped at a StarBucks for some coffee, as he parked his car and got, people waved to him. In Ayodhya people are generally friendly, and give hospitality to one another, even strangers are given a warm welcome when the enter the city. This gave the city a small town feeling. Most of Ayodhya knew Dasaratha, the Dasaratha Family, and there business, Kosala Inc. After all, quite a few people who lived in Ayodhya worked for him. Dasaratha usually went to StarBucks on his way to work to have his morning coffee, his favorite was Double Espresso, with some whip cream on top. He grabbed his briefcase and walked into the store, some people who were sitting at a table by the front window waved to him, some others smiled, Dasaratha smiled back to them. Before he got to the front till, a lady called Merila looked at him and said,

“Hello Dasaratha, the usual?”

“No, lets try something different today Merila, I try the Americano with a extra shot of caffeine.”

“Sure, I get it ready. Just to let you know its very strong.”

“That’s all right, I’ll need it for today.”

“Big day for you? What’s happening?”

“I am having some people come over from a few other companies for a stock market, and strategy meeting. Its very important and demanding.”

“Well here you go Dasaratha, hope you enjoy you Americano, and good luck at the meeting.”

“Thank you Merila, see you later.” Dasaratha paid at the till, and walked over to an empty table near the front window. He set his American on the table, and took out his PMC from his briefcase. He sipped his coffee as he turned it on. He checked his stock portfolio, it was doing well. He made $35,000 overnight from the companies he invested into. He then paged his stock advisor, and personal consultant, a person came on the screen, his name was Vasistha,

“Hello Vasistha, how are you doing?”

“Doing well sir, and you?”

“Well just at my usual morning coffee stop. Vasistha could you tell me which companies to look out for, and if there good, which ones I should invest into?”

“Yes, There are a few interesting companies today, Federated, Mithila Layers, and a big jumper this morning was IMP Co. I would invest in all of them. If you only want to invest into one only, the best choice would have to be Federated. IMP Co. is a higher mover than Federated, but there could be a slump after such a big gain earlier this morning.”

“What’s Federated shares worth, is $3267.34 a share sir.”

“Buy 150 Federated shares. Put 35 of them into my Portfolio, as locked shares. Thanks Vasistha.”

“Talk to you later Dasaratha, I’ll keep a close watch on your investments.”

Dasaratha was putting his PMC away, when his pagers gave a beep. He looked at, it was his Manthara. He turned the display on.

“Dasaratha, the gentlemen from the other companies you called for are here, there ready for you stock market, and strategy meeting. They have been here for a few minutes.”

“I’ll be right over Manthara, tell them to wait and I’m going to be there soon. I can’t let anything effect that meeting with those gentleman.”

“All right, I will tell them. See later Dasaratha.”

Dasaratha quickly drank his Americano, and grabbed his briefcase as he walked out the door towards his car. He got out his vehicle remote, and started the Parvati. The car’s AI voice came on,

“Welcome to Parvati Tamil, user Dasaratha.”

He got in and put his fingers on a small screen for identification. He put the car on auto pilot. The AI voice came on again,

“Were is your destination?”

Dasaratha responded,

“To Kosala Center, parkade 1-A, space 14, Dasaratha. As soon as possible.”

“Destination request complete.”

The car gave a sharp jolt, Dasaratha sat back in his seat tensely. Then the car gave itself max acceleration and pulled out of the parking lot, it did a sharp turn. Then the car paused for a moment. Dasaratha relaxed in his seat. Then without warning the car accelerated itself down to a intersection and skidded to a abrupt stop. Some people in a car beside him looked at him funny. He sank down in his seat. When the light was green, the car took off. As it drove down the highway, the Parvati did sharp passes around other ongoing cars, and accelerated often, barely missing other cars. When the car approached the exit that went to the Dasaratha Centers, it accelerated and crossed three lanes, pulling in front of two cars trying to get into the exit as well, they honked there horns. When the Parvati got into the exit, the car didn’t slow down, it raced down the viaduct and tunnels heading towards Kosala Inc. Dasaratha’s car did its act again of passing cars, and speeding past others. The car reached the check-in booth that was at the entrance to the parkade, Dasaratha sat up and sighed in relief. But the reckless drive was not over yet, as soon as the computer check-in booth gave the signal to go, the Parvati did a burn-out and sped off leaving behind two tire marks, and a cloud of smoke. People who were near by looked at Dasaratha, and raised there eyebrows in disbelief. The Parvati raced through the parkade corridors, missing other cars passing. The Parvati got up final level were Dasaratha’s parking spot was, the car stopped at the entrance. Dasaratha tried again to sit up again. The car revved a little, then accelerated again down the parkade, he was thrown back in his seat. As the Parvati accelerated, the speedometer reached speeds of over 100 Km/h. Just ahead, a SUV started to pull out, Dasaratha closed his eyes and covered his face with his hand. The Parvati quickly swerved around the SUV and continued to drive. The parking spot could be seen, the car gave itself one last push, and Just before reaching the end, it did a turn and brake at the same time. The car’s rear end swerved around and skidded to an abrupt stop, the Parvati was perfectly parked in its spot. Dasaratha was clinging on to his briefcase, he relaxed in his seat and said out loud to himself,

“What a ride, that’s ASAP.” He got out of the car. One of the people who stood and watched Dasaratha drive into the parking lot said, but not loud,

“show off.”

Another person who was watching said,

“Dasaratha has all the right moves when it comes to business, I guess the same applies when he’s driving.”

Dasaratha stepped out of his car and acted as if everything was normal. Some people who watched him as he drove into the parkade said,

“Hi.” In a surprised and shocked way.

Dasaratha shyly responded,

“Hi.” As he walked past them.

Four of Dasaratha’s personal body guards were waiting at the entrance of the corridor leading top the plaza. He met up with them. Dasaratha, and his body guards walked down a long glass corridor to the main indoor plaza, many people that he walked by smiled, waved, or said hi to him. Dasaratha looked outside as he walked, three towering glass monstrosities sparkle reflections of the sky in the bright light, there was two new Kosala towers; four, and five being constructed down below, and was due to be completed in 2 years, by late 2201. Dasaratha reached the main inner plaza. The high glass ceilings, tall pillars, and the massive size of the plaza was breathtaking. They walked for a little while until he reached the main plaza desk, there were a few people working at the there. A women called Janita who was there smiled and said,

“Good, morning Dasaratha.”

“Good morning to you Janita, I have a very important meeting that I am supposed to be at, could you page Manthara, and the stock market, and strategy meeting that I have just arrived and I’m coming up very soon.”

“Can do, I will page Manthara, and the meeting, to tell them your here and coming very soon.”

“Thank you Janita, see you later.”

Janita smiled back and then went back to work. Dasaratha, and his body guards then walked over to one end of the plaza were the elevators, and building-to-building transports were. They walked to one of many elevators that service One Kosala Center. As he approached elevator 14-A, there was Manthara, and two of her body guards waiting for them, they smiled and greeted Dasaratha, and Manthara said,

“Your stock market, and strategy meeting delegates are waiting for you, I will take you to them, Dasaratha.”

Dasaratha, Manthara and there body guards entered into the elevator. The glass doors shut behind them and they were lifted up the tower to the meeting.

 

Thanks for reading. What do you think?

 

Go here for second chapter...

http://www.audarya-fellowship.com/showflat/cat/VedicVerses/52902/0/collapsed/5/o/1

 

The Ramayana Glossary terms...

http://www.audarya-fellowship.com/showflat/cat/VedicVerses/52782/0/collapsed/5/o/1

[Guest guest]

I love the scenario of dasharata being in the future and all, but i do have a question, how are you going to justify dasaratha's polygamy in that era.

 

[starrdarcy]

What do you mean? Please explain...

[Guest guest]

I do not mean to be offensive, but the problem is that:

 

I know many people that believe in the Ramayana, and have faith in Lord Rama. If you are to do this, retelling the story in a sense of it happenning in the present or the future, do you think that the newer generations, after reading such, wil even let their mind thinking about any chances of the Ramayana being real? I do not think that this story will help anyone, except those that like fiction, as this story will be categorized as such, if it is published, if such are your intentions.

 

I do not think that this will help anyone on the path to spiritual realization. Instead, it may lose the faith in God of those that have never read the Ramayana, yet believe in Rama because of family traditions, etc...

 

I may not be the greatest devotee of the Lord, but that does not mean that I do not care about any other devotee. And from your idea, it seems that you really don't care about spiritual life (forgive me if I am wrong). If you care, I think that you should not do this, and should give it up. Instead write something that will help people elevate and be Krsna Conscious, or do something that will help someone, even if it is only one person. You will attain their blessings, and the Lord is pleased if we help people advance on their way to the Lotus-Feet of His; not if we just help someone to establish their desire of entertainment, as you appear to be doing.

 

You may be posting that this is only a change from the original, but one may copy only the text to their site, and put it there for public viewing. Most definitely, people are going to start to believe in the Ramayana as only a fictionous novel, or such.

 

Your intentions may be different, but I recommend that you quit this, for it will not help others, and it will not help you in elevation either.

 

Thank You and Jay Sri Krsna

[Guest guest]

one thing i learned while being on many forums, is that there will be always someone who disagrees with you. Although i will no longer be posting future chapters on the New ramayana (for future publication issues) i will continur with the story. And will put out a sequel...

[Guest guest]

This story would go as a worst attempt made at writing. Common' you can be more creative than this. Other than the stupid selfdriven car there is nothing modern in it and other than the names pinched from Ramayana your story doesn't generate any interest in reading further. You have failed in the first chapter itself. Well they say failures are stepping stones for success. Better luck with your new stories.

[Guest guest]

Too many grammatical errors. You need lessons in English first. Or perhaps, you should write in your native language, because English is not for you. You are killing it with too many mistakes. In fact, your sentence formation is very poor. Even a seven-year-old child might do better. Sorry.

[Guest guest]

 

Namaste,

 

I would like to encourage you to do this. Just keep in mind the following:

 

1) The Ramayan is a very deep epic with numerous lessons to be learned: both direct and intricate. Please make a list of all these lessons with two of them topping your chart: devotion to the lotus feet of Shree Ram, and siding with Dharma over Adharma regardless of circumstance. You should incorporate these lessons somehow in the story.

 

2) Get some advice on literary corrections and stuff from experts, preferably from people who have read and appreciate the Ramayan and other scriptures. They will assist you in aspects of the literary profession: how to keep readers' interest growing as they read, how to keep ideas flowing logically, how to subtly develop the theme throughout the writing etc.

 

3) Make sure you know who your target audience is: 8-14 year olds? teenagers? adolescents? adults? - and learn more about them and cater your writing style toward them. (Marketing lesson - "Does the dog like the dog food?")

 

4) Treat this project as a service unto Shree Ram. Be neither exalted by praise, nor depressed by criticism - but look to better the writing at every chance you get. Your goal here is to increase readers' love and devotion for the absolute, and, in turn, your own.

 

5) Have fun with it! Use your imagination and energy! I'm sure that if the world fell for the mundane Star Trek, and the slightly more interesting The Matrix, this project has the potential to make citizens of our planet truly introspecting in nature.

 

Good luck and Jai Shree Ram!

 

Ramgopal

 

[Guest guest]

Sir,

 

it is pleasing to know that ramayana interests you but the FUTURE does not sound real to me atleast. there is materialism added to the story. our aim in life is to move away from materialism and if the young read such a story, how'd we move them away from this act which seems quite impossible as it is.. It would really hurt a hindu/vaishnava to read such a story for it sounds too fictitious and unrealistic. Please take my note into consideration as people who read it'd not believe in the real RAMA. it sounds unreal this way.

It is quite a thought but in reality it'd hurt us bad.

well, what i'd suggest you do is read a lot of the hindu philosophy and perhaps write on something more philosophical than rewriting a version or newer version of a beautiful epic. i hope i havent hurt you, i wish to induce the truth of the matter.

 

narayana be with us all.

 

abhishek

 

shrimat ramanujasya charnow charanam praphayae

shrimate ramanujaya namah

on namo narayanaya namah

[Guest guest]

HareKrishna! I agree, u shouldn't have to re-write this for the present or future as this is a very beautiful and moving epic & since time immemorial it has been retold in the same way but still never loses its beauty and charm. It has stood the test of time and been told over yugas. I suggest you do a translation of Maharshi Valmiki's Ramayan in a language where there is a dire need for it.

Jay SiyaRam!

Jay Siyavar Ramchandra ki jai!

Jai SitaRam Lakshman Hanuman ki!

Jai Ayodhya vasiyon ki!

[Guest guest]

please e mail your stories to snshridhar@gmail.com

thank you

[Guest guest]

To re-write the Ramayana in one's own words destroys the ideals, authencity, and beatuy of the original story of Ramayana. In comparison to rewriting the Ramayana is as if rewriting the Torah, Holy Bible, and the Koran. It is the make a mockery of Mohammad, Moses, and Jesus, thus religion itself. Many of the younger generation are not familiar with the Ramayan, or with anything in Hinduism for that matter, due to the fault of the Hindu-socio stucture of modern America, which consists of no true education on Hinduism. The structure is at fault of today's greedy and lustful pundits who care more themselves then their ppl. If you rewrite the Ramayana, you only deepen this hole of religous ignorance and stray us further away from true religion. If you are to write the Ramayana, do so with respect for the Holy Book, for Valmiki, for the Hindu people, religion, and humanity itself. Spare us the berden of further ignorance as the younger generation believes the Ramayan to be nothing more than myth or a sci-fi story. Do not insult us Hindus as ppl who read the Ramayana for mere literary pleasure and are simply believers of a false God.