Books Teach Modern Women to Be 'Ladies'

[Gauracandra 1]

Books Teach Modern Women to Be 'Ladies'

 

FNC

Friday, May 31, 2002

By Jennifer D'Angelo

 

NEW YORK — A "lady" doesn't ask a man for a date, eat grits, forward joke e-mails or cuss at work — and she always knows which teams are playing in the Super Bowl.

 

 

According to the slew of new books on women's etiquette, a gal must follow the above rules or her reputation, and possibly her career and love life, will pay the price.

 

"Somehow as women moved forward the little things got left back. And those are the things that separate us from the masses," said Dini Von Mueffling, who with Noelle Cleary, co-authored The Art and Power of Being a Lady.

 

In their book, Von Mueffling and Cleary say a lady takes care of her appearance and doesn't suffer through offensive remarks.

 

They also speak with disdain of the "big shoulder-padded Dark Ages" that were the 1980s.

 

"When we started getting into upper management, the only cues we had to take were from the men who were in those positions previously. But there are many women known for the fact that their aggressive behavior worked against them," Von Mueffling said.

 

 

Atlantic Monthly Press

Co-authors Noelle Cleary and Dini Von Mueffling.

"We believe you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," she added.

 

Candace Simpson-Giles, author of How to Be a Lady: A Contemporary Guide to Common Courtesy, agreed with Von Mueffling's workplace advice, citing the same flies-with-honey expression.

 

She also said that members of the opposite sex appreciate the effort.

 

"Many men have thanked me for writing this book," she said. "They say they feel overpowered by female aggression and would love to see more ladylike behavior."

 

Men may also approve of Giles' advice about football, which she says is such a big event "ladies" can't ignore it.

 

"A well-rounded lady doesn't say she couldn't care less about a national pastime," she said.

 

Berkley Books

Honore McDonough Ervin and Lesley Carlin.

All of the authors more or less agree that their books are part of a larger, "post-feminist" trend, in which women are enjoying their roles in the workplace but also reclaiming traditional roles.

 

"Women are realizing that girly things are OK, that they can be a good cook and good mother and a feminist too," said Honore McDonough Ervin, who with her co-author Lesley Carlin wrote Things You Need to Be Told: A Handbook for Polite Behavior in a Tacky, Rude World! and produces the Web site etiquettegrrls.com.

 

This well-intentioned advice, however, has not been well received by everyone.

 

Karla Mantilla, member of feminist news journal Off Our Backs, said the call for more ladylike behavior is "absolutely dangerous."

 

"These types of books prey on women's fears that unless they act a certain way they won't be liked or loved," she said. "You can't be committed to social justice and be ladylike."

 

The authors have also encountered accusations of snobbery. Giles was taken aback when the host of a Boston radio show said, "I can tell you right now I'm not a lady and I'm proud of it," during a live interview.

 

 

In some formal situations, women should be more ladylike.

 

Ervin said these criticisms are due to the "misperception out there that having good manners is only for rich people," and said her advice for women, like not to eat grits or ask a man out on a date, gives people "the information they need to know regardless of income bracket."

 

Molly Wright Steenson, editor of the former feminist Web site Maximag.com, said the books are just part of yet another backlash against feminism.

 

"A lot of these books enforce stereotypes. One thing we have feminism to thank for is we don't need these rules. I can swear like a sailor, knit, garden and be an Internet consultant all at the same time," Steenson said, audibly mouthing the f-word as she watched her car get ticketed across the street.

 

"I want to be a woman, not a lady," she concluded.

[JRdd 0]

I love grits and hate football.

[atma 0]

I'm watching the World Cup. Is that good "lady" behaviour? Or is only American football?

What are grits?

[chameli 0]

Does that mean I'm not allowed to make jokes either?

[theist 1]

On ladies,in the immortal words of Mike Tyson to a female reporter recently,"Yeah, you're a lady in the streets and a whore in the sheets, right?"

 

I just had to share.

 

atma soccer does not count when matched against American football.Sorry.But I respect you anyway.Why?Because you are so funny.

 

 

 

[atma 0]

Theist, do you really think that I'll waste my time watching 11 guys from each team running after a ball? No way Jose. I was just being sarcastic. But I do know that a woman will go with her man to see football or any other sport that he likes just to please him. She'll laugh at his boring jokes too.He'll go shopping with her and tell her that she doesn't look fat even if she is becoming a cow. It goes both ways.

 

About Myke Tyson uvaca he said what most men want from their women. Simple like that.

 

Thank you for your respect anyway,I have to acknowledge that I never watched american football and I know that in the end I'll watch the finals of the World Cup. That is the training from my 3 brothers. They even made me memorize the names of the Brazilian champions for one cup and we traded the photos of the players to fill up our albums, actually they abused me because they made me spent my pocket money to buy those stupid pictures and because of my lady like manners I never complained about it.

 

I think that Gauracandra put that about ladies no forwarding e-mail jokes just out of envy because his jokes aren't as good than mine.

[theist 1]

chameli, of course you can make jokes.More the merrier.

 

Maybe someone would also be kind enough to tell me what a grit is.

 

atma it's ok you don't know about football.It really is meant to be a man thing anyway.We can also tell when a woman is faking it just to please us.

 

Speeking of sports talk I saw Lagaan yesterday and finally have an idea on what Cricket is.The meaning of a wicket stills elludes me however.

[Gauracandra 1]

I wouldn't take these guidelines too seriously... Aren't grits like a southern food? As for telling jokes, I'll fully admit that Atma has me beat there... but then maybe all of her anti-male jokes were brought to the attention of these writers and thats how they came up with these guidelines

 

[This message has been edited by Gauracandra (edited 06-04-2002).]

[atma 0]

Grits: coarsely ground grain,esp.corn.

Last saturday I went to a birthday party and the cake was kind of "grits", I swear that we heard from far the sound of the knife cutting the cake.

 

Co-authors Noelle Cleary and Dini Von Mueffling.

"We believe you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar," she added.

 

BTW, I really don't want to catch any fly, remind me too much of flies in poo. Actually if you get the philosophy of the joke is like the material world. And my jokes are not anti-male just reality.

Can I post some pakistani jokes?

 

[JRdd 0]

Did someone else say grits? Forget the female bashing, food's my religion since a recent involuntary four month fast, and when you ask what grits is (or are) I am wondering what kind of Americans you are. No it is not the dictionary definition, at all! Go to the store, now, and buy a box of Albert's Quick Grits. It will look like tiny white things in the box. Cook as directed (basically boil in water and it expands a lot), add heaps of butter, cheese too if you are strong enough, salt and black pepper, and you will never sneer at a grits-lover again. I consider it so yummy I offer it to my Deities. If you are not in shape to at least have butter on it, forget it.

 

Now I must go, and find some more food to eat.

 

Hare Krsna, JR