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Hi Dan,

 

That's quite a story. I forgive you and I suspect everyone else will

as well. Forgiving yourself, yeah, that's a tough one for me too.

Here's what I think. God needed someone to stop that bully, and for

better or worse, she chose you. It doesn't make sense I know but most

things with god don't, at least to our tiny brains. I just think that

every act, no matter how bad, gets used by spirit to transform and

enlighten the world. So ease up. There is only god, here and now.

 

Peter

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I hear you, Don! Hard sleeping last night in Maine! Hoot and humid.

 

As for beating the s*it out of that bully, imho you're a

hero.

 

Maybe you were taught not to harm another and you feel guilt over it,

but don't you think this guy was begging for it? You just helped him

learn a lesson, and I'm proud of you. And you probably helped protect

all the others he would have done the same thing to.

 

Allow yourself to rebel when needed, forgive yourself if you have to,

but being true is a virtue inho. And you were true.

 

Love, dhyana

 

 

, merlin wrote:

>

> So what is this with global warming, Maine is supposed to be cool

I'm not

> very happy with everything that has been done to change my

enviorment. 80%

> humidity and 90 degrees. Wipes me out.

>

> I've been thinking about Julie's post. I do the same thing a lot, think

> I'm past something and it turns out I'm not.

> Words are interesting, as we put feelings into words, we change our

> perspective.

> That's why the list is so healing. It is possibly one of the most

> important things the list does. A venue to work things out, we work with

> language, it is integral to how we think., and if we are are smart

enough

> we know language does not cover it all.

>

> So is this a place to vent, share, process what you are going thru?

>

> Deep from my heart. I am trying to come to terms with something I

did. I'm

> not proud of it all. I'm hoping if I share it here, type it out it will

> take a different turn in my life.

>

> If you have read any of my posts you know I'm a tiny little guy,

sickly as

> a child. Thru high school every bully made me his target. There was one

> CA, who was a cro-magnon. Biceps you would not believe, worked for his

> father tearing down junk cars. I spent years in fear of going in the

> school bathrooms, where I would be beaten. Learned to hold it, chuckle.

>

> Homework taken, physically threatened, beaten, kicked. That was my life.

>

> I went to metal shop one day, and of course he was in my class. I had a

> really pretty engraving I was working on, and he destroyed it. I walked

> away and went into the tool crib. He of course followed me in.

>

> I lost it, I am really not sure what happened after that, they tell

me it

> took 2 teachers and 4 students to pull me off of him. I put him in the

> hospital for 2 weeks. I was lucky I did not kill him. I still had

the pipe

> wrench in my hand when I ended up at the hospital, and it dripped his

> blood.

>

> I'd be talking to you all from prison. His father dropped all the

charges,

> seriously funny to have me assault him. He left school, never came back.

> I was suspended for 3 weeks, and when I rode the bus in after my

suspension

> was over .. I arrived to a standing ovation, everyone teachers,

students,

> stopped and clapped their hands when I walked back into the school.

>

> It still does not feel right. It's one of my big blocks.

>

> Sorry if this seems like a dump, that's what I'm going thru now,

> processing, and more processing. I hope this is ok for the list.

>

> Peace, and I need to find my own.

>

> Don

>

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Thank you for sharing this story Don. As per your story, you didn't

know what happened. You didn't sit at home at night planning to hurt

this guy. Sometimes we are used in the process of karma and that

experience was part of his. Perhaps his father was a very wise man

and knew this. It was also part of your path and I think it is

important for you to accept that. We don't always get to know

the " why " of it.

 

Forgiving ourselves for things is often so much harder than forgiving

others who have hurt us. Maybe by getting this out in the open with

this loving bunch of people, you can fnally start to let it go.

 

I had a bully when I was in third grade. He used to threaten me all

the time, punch me in the arm, etc. One day he said he was going to

beat me up after school. I thought about running, but instead

decided to face him head on. He came over and was about to punch me

in the face and I ducked. He ended up punching the brick wall of the

school! All the kids laughed and applauded. Never spoke a cross

word to me again. It also gave me the confidence not to let anyone

bully me. From then on, I always stood up to anyone bullying and got

a reputation as someone who took no guff. I never had a fight all

through school.

 

Sarita

 

, merlin

wrote:

>

> So what is this with global warming, Maine is supposed to be cool

I'm not

> very happy with everything that has been done to change my

enviorment. 80%

> humidity and 90 degrees. Wipes me out.

>

> I've been thinking about Julie's post. I do the same thing a lot,

think

> I'm past something and it turns out I'm not.

> Words are interesting, as we put feelings into words, we change our

> perspective.

> That's why the list is so healing. It is possibly one of the most

> important things the list does. A venue to work things out, we work

with

> language, it is integral to how we think., and if we are are smart

enough

> we know language does not cover it all.

>

> So is this a place to vent, share, process what you are going thru?

>

> Deep from my heart. I am trying to come to terms with something I

did. I'm

> not proud of it all. I'm hoping if I share it here, type it out it

will

> take a different turn in my life.

>

> If you have read any of my posts you know I'm a tiny little guy,

sickly as

> a child. Thru high school every bully made me his target. There was

one

> CA, who was a cro-magnon. Biceps you would not believe, worked for

his

> father tearing down junk cars. I spent years in fear of going in the

> school bathrooms, where I would be beaten. Learned to hold it,

chuckle.

>

> Homework taken, physically threatened, beaten, kicked. That was my

life.

>

> I went to metal shop one day, and of course he was in my class. I

had a

> really pretty engraving I was working on, and he destroyed it. I

walked

> away and went into the tool crib. He of course followed me in.

>

> I lost it, I am really not sure what happened after that, they tell

me it

> took 2 teachers and 4 students to pull me off of him. I put him in

the

> hospital for 2 weeks. I was lucky I did not kill him. I still had

the pipe

> wrench in my hand when I ended up at the hospital, and it dripped

his

> blood.

>

> I'd be talking to you all from prison. His father dropped all the

charges,

> seriously funny to have me assault him. He left school, never came

back.

> I was suspended for 3 weeks, and when I rode the bus in after my

suspension

> was over .. I arrived to a standing ovation, everyone teachers,

students,

> stopped and clapped their hands when I walked back into the school.

>

> It still does not feel right. It's one of my big blocks.

>

> Sorry if this seems like a dump, that's what I'm going thru now,

> processing, and more processing. I hope this is ok for the list.

>

> Peace, and I need to find my own.

>

> Don

>

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>> So is this a place to vent, share, process what you are going thru?

 

If it's not, you are welcome to join us on

<http://health.chasingstars>ChasingStars, that's the very

sort of topic we get into in depth there.

 

The first thing I'd want to ask you is ... did you ever do anything like that

again? Doesn't sound like it. So if not ... why are you still beating on

yourself for this? Seems like everyone besides you thought you did the right

thing. From the perspective of enlightenment you would not doubt make other

choices ... but would you be as hard on any other child that age for doing what

you did?

 

>Thru high school every bully made me his target.

 

I was bullied all through my school life. I was the school scapegoat. Everyone

picked on me. Only for a couple years did I get any rest from it, and by then I

was so used to cowering along the hallways I never noticed that it had stopped

until it picked up all over again in high school. For a while, I was the

<http://www.bullypolice.org/>Bully Police Cyberbullying expert. I have my own

site devoted to the issue:

<http://www.brandijasmine.com/web/staci/>Staci's<http://www.brandijasmine.com/we\

b/staci/> Place.

 

>It's one of my big blocks.

 

How so? If you don't feel comfortable going deeper into it here, please email me

or join ChasingStars. I hope we can help you find that peace.

 

Brandi

 

PS: I am moving this weekend so if I don't respond quickly ...

 

 

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Hi folks, just getting in from work. Odd thing this morning, I'm always up

early but today I slept thru the whole day. Highly unusual for me, was

almost late for work and just getting home now. Must be the heat.

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and comments. I'm with most of you. He

got what he deserved and I'm fine with that. The thing that really hangs

me up, is that somewhere deep inside of me something not very pretty

lives. It is very hard to live knowing you are capable of total bind rage.

I've spent the last 40 years or so, wondering if or when it might

reappear.

 

Love and hugs to you all

 

Don

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Brandi, Thank you, I just posted while you were responding.

" The first thing I'd want to ask you is ... did you ever do anything like

> that again? Doesn't sound like it. " As I tried to say what is difficult

is knowing that you are capable of something like that. No it never

happened again, but I still know I am capable of it.

 

Hugs

 

Don

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At 12:24 AM 7/19/2008, you wrote:

>Anyway, thanks for your thoughts and comments. I'm with most of you. He

>got what he deserved and I'm fine with that. The thing that really hangs

>me up, is that somewhere deep inside of me something not very pretty

>lives.

 

We all have that something deep inside us, everyone has their shadow.

 

>It is very hard to live knowing you are capable of total bind rage.

 

You are also capable of tremendous love and compassion too ... you know what the

" Law of Attraction " folks say, you are what you think, especially imnsho where

it comes to what you think of yourself.

 

>I've spent the last 40 years or so, wondering if or when it might

>reappear.

 

Thing is ... it hasn't happened, has it? I think it's unlikely to ever happen

to you because your heart knows what the consequences would be. You'd do thinks

differently this time. You'd speak out long before you reached fury, or back

away from someone who threatens you.

 

It's not just that you haven't fully forgiven yourself, have you ever celebrated

how far you've come since then? Have you ever celebrated the gifts of this

experience? I can see quite a few, and I know very little beyond what you've

told us. Until you see the gifts, you remain plugged into it, pushing your

energy into something that happened 40 years ago. What could you be achieving

with that energy if you took it back?

 

Brandi

 

 

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Brandi is right, Don. Judging from your posts, I can't imagine a more

unlikely recidivist !! Bless you - John.

 

================================

 

Don wrote: " --- what is difficult is knowing that you are capable of

something like that. No it never happened again, but I still know I

am capable of it. Hugs - Don "

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Boy, the wheels are turning now, seems like ever since I found this group,

stuff happens. I'm remembering. Now I say it never happened again and in

pops these memories. We had a a client come in to our office, normally

payed by check but was in town so he stopped in. Our receptionist was a

sweetie, her mother was a local police detective and she was fond of

saying when your mother wears a gun you don't argue with her. She was

great at her job, she was one of the reasons the business thrived. She

also had some physical attributes. This client was all in thrall of them

and started saying so. I think he had been drinking.

 

Now this young lady was fresh out of high school, and not quite sure what

to do, after all he was a client. My wife, caught what was going on and

came in to my office to tell me. So I went in and listened and then asked

him to stop. He just kind of laughed at me. And once again, little 100lb

guy kicks in, he must have weighted 260. I picked him up and walked him to

the outside door opened it and tossed him out. I explained , quite calmly

that he had no reason to ever visit us again, as his account was

cancelled. Kayla, the young lady just blossomed after that. really came

into her own. She knew I would always be there for her.

 

You ready for another one, out to dinner at our favorite Mexican

restaurant. Hard day, wrote a lot of code, much of it bad. Perl regular

expressions. I needed food and some quiet. An older couple and daughter

and daughters baby sit down next to us. Ten minutes later the father shows

up, you know the state let him have visitation. He's working a fishing

boat you can smell it. They are not married but it is his kid. Pretty much

all obvious.

 

So this guy starts pounding a spoon on the table, the baby is unhappy and

starts to cry. He thinks he is trying to make the baby happy. The whole

restaurant is looking at him, everyone there is wondering whats going on.

You know the look. Kind of out of the side of your eye.

 

So yah, I get up and head over to the table. My wife is like shaking her

head, the couple in the booth next to us look at her questioning, and she

just shruggs her shoulders. I sat down in the empty chair next to him.

Reached over and took a hold of his wrist. Stopped the beating spoon. Once

more little 100lb guy. And this guy is hauling lobster traps. I say excuse

me, I came here to relax and eat in peace, and you are disturbing that. I

take his spoon. I look him in the eye for about 30 seconds and get up and

walk back to my table. The whole restaurant is holding its breath. I pick

the baby up and give her a quick squeeze, she quiets right down. I go back

to my table, my wife just shakes her head and the restaurant starts

breathing again.

Doing it, processing, that part of me who is the beserker, other people

can see that in my eyes and they back down.

 

I have a number of tales of being the first person on the scene, always

stop the car to help. Worst was probably the giant fat lady, drunk, drove

her car off the road into a tree. gas leaking everywhere. She hit so hard

it took her clothes off. I climbed into the wreck, and had to kick out the

windshield, she was trapped behind the steering wheel, legs arms and

action, tore the steering wheel off, and I have no idea how I pulled her

out, dead weight and a lot of it. Had her 20 feet from the car when the

ambulance arrived, the car blew just as they were loading her up.

 

No need to answer this, this is a dialogue to me, working working. I'm

thinking that beserker can be a gift. It sets me apart. At points it is

needed. You don't do some of these things unless you have the berserker

inside of you.

 

Ok I promise I'll stop, just one more.. as I write them down I relive them.

Our roads on the coast of maine, turn twist and seriously go up and down.

I was working in the garden one day when I heard a serious crash. Rocked

everything. I ran. One of those big motor homes people from away drive,

missed the tight turn and rolled into a deep gulley. Same thing, heavy

smell of gas, it had come to rest on its side, so I climbed up and tried

to open the door. Got it open, and faced a bloody snarling german shepard.

The dog did not want to let me in. I tried the calm voice, dog was hurt

and unhappy and protective. I dashed past him and brought my fist down on

him just behind the head. Knocked him out. Same thing an elderly gent was

bounced all around, all over, bleeding, not there. I carried him out, got

him a good distance away and went back for the dog.

 

Got the dog, and laid him right next to his master. Took about 2 breaths

and was knocked over by the gas tank exploding. It lit off his propane

tanks to. Came to holding the dog, with the emergency people asking if I

was all right.

 

Seriously this is me to me, digging at the rocks in my garden. It is

different if it actually written out. It's a release. Smile for me, this

is good for me. All of this emotional processing , cuts in to the body

tempering. Any of you feel there are not enough hours in the day?

 

Hugs, much love, and disregard my ramblings.

 

Don

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Mnay of us share these gifts with you Don so your in the right

place - lol! I as well stop the car and lend a hand. I have come to

terms with my berzerker as you have done.

 

He knows that he is allowed to shine his extreme exuberance and

fearlessness when it is appropriate. I do not seem to have these

things happen very much these days.(sigh) Its like having a black

belt - Once you accomplish it, it seldom gets used.

 

We all have these berzerkers in us Don and they are there for a

reason and that reason is not to deny them their expression but

merely to shape the direction of that expression - as you have done

very well. My take on it anyway.

 

In each instance that you descibe I see something happening that is

good. Good for others at (often) the expense of your safety, your

sanity. You are a very helpful person and this goes far here in the

Kundalini lands! - blessings to you Don. - c

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It was obviously a karmic agreement you both shared to go through that together

to learn and grow.

Don't be hard on him or yourself (easier said then done, I know!!@!)

 

You were both children at the time and hopefully you both learned a valuable

lesson.

 

I wish you success in clearing this old wound, you are such a love.

HUGS

elektra x x x

 

 

________

Not happy with your email address?.

Get the one you really want - millions of new email addresses available now at

http://uk.docs./ymail/new.html

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My James has been known for things like that. He is not much over a

100 pounds. He has saved a life or two out there on the road, by

pulling them from wrecks, too.

I admire that in you/him. Me? I would mostly faint/pass out and put

myself in harms way.

 

Linda

 

 

, merlin

wrote:

>

> Boy, the wheels are turning now, seems like ever since I found this

group,

> stuff happens. I'm remembering. Now I say it never happened again

and in

> pops these memories. We had a a client come in to our office,

normally

> payed by check but was in town so he stopped in. Our receptionist

was a

> sweetie, her mother was a local police detective and she was fond of

> saying when your mother wears a gun you don't argue with her. She

was

> great at her job, she was one of the reasons the business thrived.

She

> also had some physical attributes. This client was all in thrall of

them

> and started saying so. I think he had been drinking.

>

> Now this young lady was fresh out of high school, and not quite

sure what

> to do, after all he was a client. My wife, caught what was going on

and

> came in to my office to tell me. So I went in and listened and

then asked

> him to stop. He just kind of laughed at me. And once again, little

100lb

> guy kicks in, he must have weighted 260. I picked him up and walked

him to

> the outside door opened it and tossed him out. I explained , quite

calmly

> that he had no reason to ever visit us again, as his account was

> cancelled. Kayla, the young lady just blossomed after that. really

came

> into her own. She knew I would always be there for her.

>

> You ready for another one, out to dinner at our favorite Mexican

> restaurant. Hard day, wrote a lot of code, much of it bad. Perl

regular

> expressions. I needed food and some quiet. An older couple and

daughter

> and daughters baby sit down next to us. Ten minutes later the

father shows

> up, you know the state let him have visitation. He's working a

fishing

> boat you can smell it. They are not married but it is his kid.

Pretty much

> all obvious.

>

> So this guy starts pounding a spoon on the table, the baby is

unhappy and

> starts to cry. He thinks he is trying to make the baby happy. The

whole

> restaurant is looking at him, everyone there is wondering whats

going on.

> You know the look. Kind of out of the side of your eye.

>

> So yah, I get up and head over to the table. My wife is like

shaking her

> head, the couple in the booth next to us look at her questioning,

and she

> just shruggs her shoulders. I sat down in the empty chair next to

him.

> Reached over and took a hold of his wrist. Stopped the beating

spoon. Once

> more little 100lb guy. And this guy is hauling lobster traps. I say

excuse

> me, I came here to relax and eat in peace, and you are disturbing

that. I

> take his spoon. I look him in the eye for about 30 seconds and get

up and

> walk back to my table. The whole restaurant is holding its breath.

I pick

> the baby up and give her a quick squeeze, she quiets right down. I

go back

> to my table, my wife just shakes her head and the restaurant starts

> breathing again.

> Doing it, processing, that part of me who is the beserker, other

people

> can see that in my eyes and they back down.

>

> I have a number of tales of being the first person on the scene,

always

> stop the car to help. Worst was probably the giant fat lady, drunk,

drove

> her car off the road into a tree. gas leaking everywhere. She hit

so hard

> it took her clothes off. I climbed into the wreck, and had to kick

out the

> windshield, she was trapped behind the steering wheel, legs arms and

> action, tore the steering wheel off, and I have no idea how I

pulled her

> out, dead weight and a lot of it. Had her 20 feet from the car when

the

> ambulance arrived, the car blew just as they were loading her up.

>

> No need to answer this, this is a dialogue to me, working working.

I'm

> thinking that beserker can be a gift. It sets me apart. At points

it is

> needed. You don't do some of these things unless you have the

berserker

> inside of you.

>

> Ok I promise I'll stop, just one more.. as I write them down I

relive them.

> Our roads on the coast of maine, turn twist and seriously go up and

down.

> I was working in the garden one day when I heard a serious crash.

Rocked

> everything. I ran. One of those big motor homes people from away

drive,

> missed the tight turn and rolled into a deep gulley. Same thing,

heavy

> smell of gas, it had come to rest on its side, so I climbed up and

tried

> to open the door. Got it open, and faced a bloody snarling german

shepard.

> The dog did not want to let me in. I tried the calm voice, dog was

hurt

> and unhappy and protective. I dashed past him and brought my fist

down on

> him just behind the head. Knocked him out. Same thing an elderly

gent was

> bounced all around, all over, bleeding, not there. I carried him

out, got

> him a good distance away and went back for the dog.

>

> Got the dog, and laid him right next to his master. Took about 2

breaths

> and was knocked over by the gas tank exploding. It lit off his

propane

> tanks to. Came to holding the dog, with the emergency people asking

if I

> was all right.

>

> Seriously this is me to me, digging at the rocks in my garden. It is

> different if it actually written out. It's a release. Smile for me,

this

> is good for me. All of this emotional processing , cuts in to the

body

> tempering. Any of you feel there are not enough hours in the day?

>

> Hugs, much love, and disregard my ramblings.

>

> Don

>

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At 12:40 AM 7/19/2008, you wrote:

>Brandi, Thank you, I just posted while you were responding.

> " The first thing I'd want to ask you is ... did you ever do anything like

>> that again? Doesn't sound like it. " As I tried to say what is difficult

>is knowing that you are capable of something like that. No it never

>happened again, but I still know I am capable of it.

 

I'm sure if we were together I'd feel safer with you than I would be with

someone who never had to think about this. At least you know what can happen,

and I know you never want it to happen again. You took responsibility for what

happened, you didn't blame anyone else for what happened, and you made sure it

didn't happen again. I find that inspiring.

 

I really think the problem is not your actual past, but how you are choosing to

look at it ... can I offer some alternatives?

 

The way I'd look at it first of all is what a gift it was that the injuries were

not more serious, that his father had the sense to be compassionate, and that

you learned what " this will hurt me more than you " really means in the extreme.

It's clear from the reaction at the school that you also rescued others from a

horrible situation. It was a huge sacrifice you made. It's made you a stronger

person emotionally, I would also be willing to bet you no longer suffer fools or

bullies as easily. And 40 years later, it's never happened again - some guys

never learn that lesson, that's why our prisons are so full. You know something

like that would damage *you* and that's what will make you stop and think. You

learned that you need to speak up for yourself early on so you don't get pushed

to that stage.

 

And just now, you had the courage to share those lessons with all of us. That's

a pretty impressive set of blessings, Don. If you can stay focused on the

positive interpretations until you start feeling them, what was once your burden

can be one of your greatest blessings

(<http://leendadll.vox.com/library/post/fatima-the-spinner-and-the-tent.html>see

this parable). I know the truth of this first hand. As a survivor of bullying,

one of my great joys now is seeing other survivors bloom and grow. You have huge

gifts to offer, the world needs your leadership, and when you let go of your

guilt and fear, it will amaze you how different this will look.

 

Hugs back ...

 

Brandi

 

 

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At 03:06 AM 7/19/2008, you wrote:

>Boy, the wheels are turning now, seems like ever since I found this group,

>stuff happens. I'm remembering. Now I say it never happened again and in

>pops these memories.

 

Exactly! This experience connected you with your power, gave you strength.

That's nothing less than alchemy!

 

Brandi

 

 

 

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Hi Brandi,

 

I just wanted to say how much I appreciated this post. I have noticed that your

posts really make me get introspective with the issue, and soul search. You

have a way ....of bringing the issue to the table, with a great deal of maturity

and compassion. Your posts have mentored me, and I just wanted you to know

this, and thank you for that.

 

Much love and respect,

 

Sharon

 

--- On Sat, 7/19/08, Brandi Jasmine <jazztalk wrote:

 

Brandi Jasmine <jazztalk

Re: Re: Long hot night

 

Saturday, July 19, 2008, 11:08 AM

 

 

 

 

 

 

At 12:40 AM 7/19/2008, you wrote:

>Brandi, Thank you, I just posted while you were responding.

> " The first thing I'd want to ask you is ... did you ever do anything like

>> that again? Doesn't sound like it. " As I tried to say what is difficult

>is knowing that you are capable of something like that. No it never

>happened again, but I still know I am capable of it.

 

I'm sure if we were together I'd feel safer with you than I would be with

someone who never had to think about this. At least you know what can happen,

and I know you never want it to happen again. You took

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Hi folks, just wanted to say thank you all for last night, I think it

was all Brandi's fault <Big grin>. I did the long sleep thing again

today ended up getting up at 1 o'clock and behind the eight ball. Such

is life, my body must need it. I generally try to let it do as it

wishes and needs.

 

My mind has been in overdrive all day, making connections. What did I

learn, this for sure, energy in not good or bad. I apparently had that

dichotomy in my mind for some 60 odd years. Picture me smacking myself

in the forehead with my palm. It is all exactly the same energy I tap.

The energy itself is totally nonjudgemental. It is both good and bad,

and neither. That initial use of it seems almost like a blessing

today, it made me aware of that flow. I've been tapping it for years

now and never made the connection to that first time. Hitting forehead

again.

 

I could bore you all to tears with the number of times I tapped it,

and I won't, I appreciate you all too much. But that is what my mind

has been doing all day, remembering each an every time I tapped it. It

all just started to flow last night.

 

Since I am Don, one quick thought, when I moved to Maine, my family my

friends, anyone who knew me thought there was no way a little 100lb

guy could build his own house. I live in a house, that's easy to heat,

and one that I hammered every nail, I cut every board, did all the

plumbing, did all the electrical. etc... you get my drift it is that

same energy.

 

Peace and hugs to you all but most of all Thanks.

 

Don

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It's funny... I read posts here, and at times try and try to come up with

something intellegent to write... nothing comes though... just a smile and a

feeling of peace.. I guess that's not all bad. :-)

 

Blessings Bob (and all the group) - thanks for sharing that energy. :-)

 

Paul

 

 

.... That initial use of it seems almost like a blessing today, it made me aware

of that flow.

 

 

 

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