(Funny Bit) Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Rick, who was visiting TEXAS

[Guest guest]

This is an oldie but a goodie. There are several different versions

of this in existence and this one has been floating around as of late

(please ignore the me@t mentions). Enjoy!

 

S.

 

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Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Rick, who was

visiting TEXAS :

 

 

 

Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding

and famous celebrity in Texas; to be a judge at a chili

cook off,because no one else wanted to do it and the original

person called in sick at the last moment,and I happened to

be standing there at the judges' table asking directions to

the beer wagon when the call came in.

 

 

I was assured by the other two judges(native Texians)

that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey, and besides they

told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I

accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event

 

 

 

Chili #1: Sweet-Thang's wild bull monster chili:

 

 

 

Judge # 1: A little too heavy on tomato........,

amusing kick.

Judge # 2: nice, smooth tomato flavor, very

mild.

Rick: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff?

You could remove dried paint from the drive-

way with it! Took me two beers to put the

flames out. hope that's the worst one. These texians are crazy!

 

 

 

Chili #2: Elmer's after-burner chili:

 

 

 

Judge #1: Smokey (bar-b-que?) with a hint of

pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2: Exciting bbq flavor,,, needs more

peppers to be taken seriously.

Rick: Keep this out of the reach of children!

I'm not sure what i'm supposed to taste

besides pain. I had to wave off two people

who wanted to give me the heimlich

manuever. Shoved my way to the front of

beer line.

 

 

 

Chili # 3 : Liberty's famous Burn -Down-the-Barn

Chili :

 

 

 

Judge # 1 : Excellent firehouse chili. Great

kick,,, needs more beans.

Judge # 2 : A bean-less chili. A bit salty, good

use of red peppers.

Rick: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,

I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels

like i've been snorting Drano.Everyone

knows the routine by now and gets out of

my way so i can make it to the beer wagon.

Barmaid pounded me on the back; Now my

backbone is in the front part of my chest.

 

 

 

 

Chili # 4 : Glenna's Black Magic Chili:

 

 

 

Judge # 1 : A black bean chili with almost

no spice, Disappointingly mild.

Judge # 2 : Hint of lime in the black beans,

good side dish for fish or other mild foods;

not much of a chili.

Rick: I felt something scraping across my tongue

but was unable to taste it. Debbie, the barmaid, was

me with free

beer refills.....,,,so I wouldn't have to dash over to

see her.

 

 

 

 

Chili # 5: Gloria's Legal Lip Remover Chili:

 

 

 

Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. freshly ground

cayenne peppers adding considerable kick.

Very impressive.

Judge #2: Chili using shredded beef; must

admit that the cayenne peppers make a

strong statement.

Rick: my ears are ringing, and i can no longer focus

my eyes. I tooted and four people behind

me needed paramedics. Contestant seemed hurt

when i told her that her chili had given

me brain damage. Debbie saved my tongue

by pouring beer

directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates

me that one of the other judges asked me to

stop screaming!

 

 

 

 

Chili # 6: Briley's Volcanic vegetarian

Variety:

 

 

Judge # 1: Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety

chili. Good balence of japapeno and habanero

peppers and spices.

Judge #2: The best yet. Agressive use of peppers,

onions and garlic. Superb!

Rick: My intestines are now a straight pipe

filled with gaseous flames. No one seems

inclined to stand behind me except Debbie.

 

 

 

Chili#7: Melissa's Screaming Sensation Chili:

 

 

 

A mediocre chili with too much reliance on

canned peppers.

Judge #2: Ho-hum, tastes as if the cook threw

in canned habanero peppers at the last minute.

(I should note that I'm worried about Judge#3.

He appears to be in a bit of distress.)

Rick: You could put a grenade in my mouth and

pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the

world sounds as if it's made of rushing water. My clothes are covered

with chili that slid unnoticed out of my mouth

at some point. Good! At my autopsy they'll

know what killed me. I've decided to stop

breathing....,,, it's too painful, and I'm not get-

ting any oxygen now anyway. If I need air, I'll

just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my

stomach.........

 

 

 

Chili #8: Steve's sabre-saw chili:

 

 

 

Judge # 1: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend

chili, safe for all. Not too bold...,,, but spicy

enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balenced

chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that

most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of

himself.

Rick: ( editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report! )