Vegetarian Children and Non vegetarian Parent and Grand Parents

[Guest guest]

As summer rolls around, Im under the pressure of various grand parents

as well as my husband to let my 16 month old daughter try grilled

meat. As a renewed vegetarian ( I was one as a child, and began to

eat meat when a dietitian suggested that it would be wise for me to

eat it due to my athletic training, I did. Unfortunately or

fortunately I got pancreatitis from the over consumption of animal

meats. Painful but for the last 3 years I have been a strict

vegetarian) Well. I want to raise my daughter this way, and I am

finding that my mother in law is sneaking meat to my daughter and

myself through pasta sauces (they are italian) and appetizers. How

can I get everyone to realize that this is for the best. I often am

told that holidays (such as july 4th) are wasted on me because I don't

eat meat. Any suggestions on how to deal with the up coming holiday?

 

Selange Giannetto

[Guest guest]

oh no! my condolences to you, selange. we've run into this issue as well.

here's how we deal with it.

 

have you thought about just bringing your own food? whenever we go to

thanksgiving dinners or bbq's, we bring our own food. i'm a pretty ok cook

and i always go all out on vegan mashed potatoes, homemade mushroom gravy,

green beans with garlic, homemade coleslaw made with veganaise and soy

yogurt, and cranberry/apple sauce, plus a vegan apple pie and a vegan

pumpkin pie. my MIL was way offended when my husband and i " went vegan, "

and even more offended that we were going to raise our son vegan and so she

wouldn't (in her mind) ever be able to feed him anything. (this is a woman

who shows her love through food, so it is a major affront.) over the last

year we've come to a completely decent agreement that during holiday

dinners, she'll cook the meat (turkey on thanksgiving, ham on christmas) and

the meat-juice-based stuffing-from-a-box, and i'll cook everything else.

she gets a break, everyone likes my food, and nobody lacks or gets offended,

because i make SO MUCH food that nobody notices no meat on our plates. this

works great for us and now there's no contention. at bbq's, we bring our

own boca burgers and veggie dogs, and i make vegan coleslaw and potato salad

and also some cookies, which everyone loves because they taste the same but

better! normally we don't eat meat substitutes but it helps to smooth

things over at this time. nobody notices we're not eating meat.

 

i hope i don't offend you by saying this. but another thing to realize is

that, as harsh as it is, and no matter how much in love she thinks she's

operating, your mom is being completely disrespectful. she's going contrary

to the way you want to parent. likely she thinks of it as an " indulgence, "

which grandparents are all about, and rightly so. but grandparents need to

realize that it's not an indulgence to give your child something that you

are opposed to, whether it's on moral or religious or environmental or

ethical grounds or even if it's just for health reasons. she has to respect

your wishes in this matter, as she should in all ways you choose to parent.

maybe she doesn't understand how important it is to you. maybe she thinks

it's a frivolous thing that you're not that serious about? my husband and i

have already reached the point with my MIL where we had to tell her that if

she could not respect our wishes (and we are vegan for ALL the reasons

listed above and more), then we were going to have to restrict our visits

and not allow isaiah to stay with her overnight anymore. i don't know what

she was giving him, i think maybe milk or even ice cream, but every time he

came home he had awful diarrhea. we told her that it's not just an issue of

morality anymore. if he has milk or meat at this point, it will make him

sick. she felt bad realizing that it was something that was causing him

actual harm, even though she was also mad at us for putting him in such a

position based on what she thinks are completely ridiculous reasons. we

were very kind and brought lots of research to leave with her about the

health value of a vegan diet even for young babies and children. we told

her that we understand that she doesn't agree with our parenting style, but

whether she agrees with it or not, she has to respect it, and sneaking foods

to him was not respecting us, and it was hurting his health, and our

relationship with her because we didn't feel like we could trust her. also,

any parent should remember how hard it is to deal with your kids when mixed

messages are being sent their way. if you tell your daughter that you don't

want her to have meat for reasons a, b, and c, and then she gets it at

grandma's, that's ultimately going to be very confusing. the main point we

emphasized with my MIL was consistency, which she totally understood, being

a parent herself. and from that point on, when we left isaiah with her, we

left food substitutes for EVERYTHING -- eggs, ice cream, yogurt, milk,

butter, cheese, meat, you name it. now she has absolutely no excuse to give

him foods we don't agree with and she can't claim ignorance anymore because

we also left a list of foods we don't eat. since that point things have

been much more peaceful, and our lifestyle barely gets mentioned anymore

(and our yummy foods have converted other people in the family!).

 

as for my parents, they offered to take our son for the week that we had to

move, and we were really nervous about it, because they are hard-core

meat-eaters. we asked them if they were really prepared for spending a week

feeding a child only vegan foods. they adore our son and were willing to

make the sacrifice. they asked us to send them lists of what he could and

could not eat, recipe ideas, snack ideas, brands we liked and that were

safe...they got WAY into it! i asked my stepmother one day why they were so

willing to do this, when i was so sure my dad would try to sneak him steak

or something. she said that they completely disagree with how we live and

how we eat, but they know isaiah is healthy, and that's what matters. she

also said, " i know you, and i know that if we send him back to you and he's

sick because we've been screwing off, you'll lose your lid and we'll lose

the PRIVILEGE-- " (her word) " --of ever getting to spend time with him like

this again -- which would be well within your right AS HIS MOTHER. so you

can rest assured we're going to be VERY careful about what we feed him. "

they remember what it was like when i was a kid and every time i'd go to my

grandparents' i'd be up all night, put 12 tablespoons of sugar on my lucky

charms, and come home with four or five new toys, even though they

explicitly asked my grandparents to respect their wishes, and they didn't

want to do that to us. we were very grateful.

 

sorry for the super long post but this issue is near and dear to my heart!

i hope you figure it out. good luck,

 

chandelle'

 

 

--

see of pictures of isaiah at www.futurerevolutionary.blogspot.com.

 

see more pictures at www.namesanddatesandtimes.blogspot.com.

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Only you know what level of subtlety vs. brashness is

appropriate; however, it sounds like your " loving "

relatives need to be hit over the head with a hammer

to get the message.

 

I'm in a mood right now, because I've just learned a

friend has lost all of her companion animals (gerbils)

because she agreed to pet-sit someone's dog, who ate

her animals when she wasn't looking, so forgive my

sharpness....

 

My immediate, angry reaction was that your family

doesn't care about your health or the health of your

child. I know, I know, we should be compassionate and

understand that they were brought up differently and

honestly believe that meat is necessary. But they're

SNEAKING meat into you -- basically lying to you --

while knowing that your doctor has told you not to eat

it for serious health reasons, so I'm feeling like you

should fight fire with fire. Next time you're over

there, say to your child (in a loud voice) " hang on

honey, let me check your food....your grandparents

don't care about our health and are trying to poison

us, so I just need to check to make sure they haven't

done it again " .

 

Bad karma, I know. I'm just so sick and tired of

being " understanding " and " accomodating " and

" uncomplaining " ....and disrespected.

 

Liz (who clearly needs a nap)

[Guest guest]

Chandelle,

That was such a well-written response - I second everything you have said.

We all as vegetarians/vegans need to stand up respectfully and set some

boundaries. These are OUR children and the way we are raising them to be

compassionate, humane people needs to be respected. If a relative or family

friend would disrespect that and lie to us about what they are doing to our

own children, then there is no place for them in our children's lives, and I

think we should be clear about that. My parents have disliked but understood

from the get go that our kids will be vegan. They have on a very few

occasions fed my oldest daughter something not quite vegan (like a pancake

at a restaurant) and I just gently reminded them that it was not okay. They

now go out of their way to only use vegan substitutes. It is indeed a

privilege for your parents to spend time with your children, because they

are YOUR children and you ultimately are responsible for how they are

raised. Mixed messages are not good for them, on any subject. Don't hesitate

to set proper boundaries and stick with them.

I am lucky that my parents are generally respectful of keeping our kids

vegan. We struggle more with things I haven't taken a hard line on, like how

much tv time, taking them to the zoo, etc. But at a bare minimum you should

not be afraid of being firm about the diet.

L

[Guest guest]

Why is it that we are so food centered at Holidays??? The 4th of

July is not about grilled burgers, it is about celebrating the

independance of our country. So, when your family tells you that

that holiday is wasted on you then tell them that you are just

celebrating your independance and freedom to be a vegetarian and

that is not a waste!

 

As for the sneaking meat in your diet, that is horrendous. If

someone tried to do that to me, I would give them a major piece of

my mind! I would also eat my pasta sauce free with a little oil and

nutritional yeast whenever I visited them!

 

Of course another thing you can do if you don't want to be

confrontational is bring some delicious vegetarian foods along to

the picnic/barbeque and let everyone enjoy. And it could even be

something that is " comfort " food for them, like potato salad or corn

on the cob or veggies to put on the grill with a yummy marinade,

etc, etc.

 

Whatever you do, don't give in. They have no right to take away

your choice to be vegetarian and your choice to raise your daughter

vegetarian. You can tell your husband that when she is old enough

to make the decision on her own that if she chooses to eat meat then

it will be up to her, but in the meantime, you would like her to be

vegetarian. Then as she becomes old enough to understand, educate

her all you can about the atrocities of the meat industry so that

she is well informed when it is time for her to make her own choice.

 

, " cilantro7772001 "

<cilantrochef wrote:

>

> As summer rolls around, Im under the pressure of various grand

parents

> as well as my husband to let my 16 month old daughter try grilled

> meat. As a renewed vegetarian ( I was one as a child, and began

to

> eat meat when a dietitian suggested that it would be wise for me

to

> eat it due to my athletic training, I did. Unfortunately or

> fortunately I got pancreatitis from the over consumption of animal

> meats. Painful but for the last 3 years I have been a strict

> vegetarian) Well. I want to raise my daughter this way, and I am

> finding that my mother in law is sneaking meat to my daughter and

> myself through pasta sauces (they are italian) and appetizers.

How

> can I get everyone to realize that this is for the best. I often

am

> told that holidays (such as july 4th) are wasted on me because I

don't

> eat meat. Any suggestions on how to deal with the up coming

holiday?

>

> Selange Giannetto

>