That's Why They Call It a DIEt

[Guest guest]

My husband receives the " Dilbert " newsletters by email, and I thought

this was cute. It's a tongue-in-cheek opinion piece on being

vegetarian by Scott Adams, the Dilbert creator. I never will quite

think of " sauce " in the same way now ).

 

Cheers,

~Kathy

 

 

That's Why They Call It a DIEt

 

 

I'm a vegetarian, which, as you know, means that I can't lift heavy

objects without snapping my spine. I'm secure enough to admit that

I'm pale, frail, and I love e-mail. (Hey, I think I just designed a t-

shirt!) But there's a plus side to my eating habits: I'll live to the

age of 200 unless I get trapped under something heavy, like a quilt.

And unlike my mammal-eating friends, I don't have to decide what sort

of hideous death I want every time I look at a menu.

 

For carnivores, there are two popular diet plans. The first one

involves eating anything that can't outrun you, whether said object

is capable of traversing your entire intestines or not. It's the most

popular diet plan in America and it's catching on around the world.

This group of eaters prefers as their method of demise the

traditional, no-nonsense heart attack.

 

Then you have the low-carb dieters. This involves the active

avoidance of life-giving antioxidants while scarfing massive amounts

of known carcinogens until someone punches you to death for bragging

about how much weight you lost.

 

Some fast-trackers shed their mortal coil using such flashy methods

as Mad Cow, e.Coli and whatnot, but I consider that grandstanding.

 

Evidently, what we need is a DNRC (Dogbert's New Ruling Class) Diet

Plan designed especially for Induhviduals. We need a volunteer to

write a bestselling diet book that benefits everyone except the

people who use the diet. For example, I think the diet plan should

encourage the eating of whatever we think there's too much of:

lawyers, pigeons, cigarette butts, and that sort of thing.

 

Your first reaction might be that no one will eat horrible things

just because a diet book says you should. But I have a one-word

response to your short-sighted thinking: sauce.

 

That's right, sauce. Most people think that cows are delicious, but

they don't stop to think how much work went into changing the taste

from its original cow flavor. Realistically, you wouldn't order any

kind of food that was labeled " cow flavored. " Fortunately, great

cooks can disguise the flavor of anything. If you try to tell me that

Emeril Lagasse can't make delicious chowder out of cigarette butts,

then I say you haven't seen his show. The man is a miracle worker.

 

Then there is the issue of health and nutrition. Ha ha! Just kidding.

But seriously, the sauce will make everything taste great.