Joyful Christmas Party

[Guest guest]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 01, 2003RE: Christmas PartyI'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place onDecember 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the GrillHouse.There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm.Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no giftshould be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!Merry Christmas to you and your family.Patty============================================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 02, 2003RE: Holiday PartyIn no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides withChristmas, though unfortunately not this year.However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christiansor those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.There will be no Christmas tree present.No Christmas carols sung. We will have other secular types of music for yourenjoyment.Happy Holidays to you and your family.Patty============================================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 03, 2003RE: Holiday PartyRegarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requestinga non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,"AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody?Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since theunion members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe$10.00 is a little chintzy.NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.===========================================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: December 04, 2003RE: Holiday PartyWhat a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins theMuslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylighthours. There goes the party!Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does notaccommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can holdoff on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everythingfor you to take it home in little foil doggy bags?Will that work?Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest fromthe dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to therestrooms.Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit withGay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangementfor the Gay men's table.To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing will be allowed.We will have booster seats for short people.Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

High-fat low carb food will be availabel for those on an Atkins diet.We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people withhigh blood pressure to taste first.There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannotsupply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!Did I miss anything?!?!?Patty============================================================FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All Fucking EmployeesDATE: December 05, 2003RE: The Fricking Holiday PartyVegetarian pricks, I've had it with you people!!! The same with you vegans!!

We're going to keep thisparty at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can just sit quietlyat the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, andyou'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heardthem scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!I hope you all have a rotten holiday!Drive drunk and die,The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!=============================================================FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources DirectorDATE: December 06, 2003RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday PartyI'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery andI'll continue to forward your cards to her.In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and giveeveryone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.Happy Holidays!