Mixed Marriage, with Children by Joanne Stepaniak

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http://www.vegsource.com/joanne/qamix2.htm

 

 

 

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your concerns may have already been addressed in a previous column. Please check

the Ask Joanne! Archive, which contains all the Q & As that have appeared here.

Mixed Marriage, with Children

 

My daughter who is two years old is a vegan, as am I. I have had no problems

with her diet, however, her father is a meat-eater. He tried to be a vegetarian,

but broke down and was sneaking out to McDonalds and eating Big Macs. Anyhow, he

has a hard time understanding the reasons for being a vegan and also how it is

possible that our daughter does not need dairy products. Would you happen to

know of any literature that I could print out for him that would help him

understand this? He is the type that needs it all in writing to believe it.

 

 

Living as a vegan is more than a matter of food preferences; it involves the

philosophic reasoning behind what one eats or doesn't eat as well as numerous

other lifestyle choices. It is much less a diet than an ethical conviction. This

is a critical distinction to make because being vegan entails a resolution far

deeper than simply favoring chocolate over vanilla, or vegetables over meat.

When people take the leap to veganism they discover a new way of seeing and

being in the world that can affect everything they think, say, and do.

 

A lasting marriage is a complex, intimate relationship between two people who

are first and foremost best friends. The foundation of this friendship is built

upon mutual trust and shared values. When one partner embraces drastically

different ideals than those established at the outset of the marriage -- such as

becoming vegan -- and the other does not, the relationship can become strained

or threatened. When children are added to the mix, the problems are compounded

even further.

 

Although people's values may progressively mature throughout their lifetime,

they generally vary minimally. On the infrequent occasions when radical and

abiding changes do occur, they are invariably predicated on evolving internal

beliefs. That is, when people are awakened to the truth in their heart -- not

something learned intellectually or externally, but validated from within --

they can be stimulated to re-evaluate their ethics and actions. Without this

inward realization, however, few people are persuaded to alter their core

principles.

 

There is no way to force an individual to adopt someone else's moral code, no

matter how righteous the motivation. You can supply your husband with all the

information about veganism he can absorb, but that doesn't necessarily mean you

will render a permanent shift in his perspective. His heart must be open to

seeing, hearing, feeling, and believing the reality that inspires people to the

vegan way of life. Without an open heart, no amount of facts or figures can

influence him.

 

Despite knowing that you cannot compel your husband to become vegan by sheer

will, you can nevertheless help him to understand your own motivations. People

learn in different ways. If your husband prefers the printed word, there is much

literature available about the production of animal-based foods. Farm Sanctuary

(P.O. Box 150, Watkins Glen, NY, 607-583-2225, or P.O. Box 1065, Orland, CA

95963, 530-865-4617) has numerous pamphlets and several books that detail the

horrors and abuses faced by animals raised for food. A short and easy-to-read

overview is their book " Battered Birds, Crated Herds, " written by Gene Bauston,

Executive Director of Farm Sanctuary. It contains many powerful photographs as

well as critical data about various facets of food animal production. United

Poultry Concerns (P.O. Box 150, Machipongo, VA 23405, 747-678-7875) can also

provide abundant information about all aspects of the poultry industry. For an

in-depth coverage of the subject, read " Prisoned

Chickens, Poisoned Eggs " written by Karen Davis, Ph.D., president of United

Poultry Concerns. Also check out " Vegan: The New Ethics of Eating " by Erik

Marcus. An explicit and haunting book about the meat-packing industry is

" Slaughterhouse: The Shocking Story of Greed, Neglect, and Inhumane Treatment

Inside the U.S. Meat Industry " by Gail Eisnitz. For a grisly and highly

disturbing visual record, read " Dead Meat " by renowned artist Sue Coe and

Alexander Cockburn. Farm Sanctuary and United Poultry Concerns also have

outstanding and very graphic video documentaries. Contact them directly for more

information.

 

" The Vegan Sourcebook " is a comprehensive guide to the what, why, and how of

compassionate vegan living and also contains a complete guide to vegan nutrition

(written by Virginia Messina, M.P.H., R.D.), including lots of supportive

material on raising vegan children. Two other excellent nutrition resources are

" The Vegetarian Way " by Virginia Messina, M.P.H., R.D., and Mark Messina, Ph.D,

and " Becoming Vegetarian " by Vesanto Melina, R.D., Brenda Davis, R.D., and

Victoria Harrison, R.D.

 

These books, pamphlets, and videos can assist you in conveying to your husband

your personal impetus for being vegan, but do not use them to pressure him to

" see things your way. " Give him ample opportunity to digest what he is reading

and seeing. Remember, you cannot pry his heart open regardless of how hard you

try. He must come to an understanding of veganism in his own time and on his own

terms. If you push him, he may very well reject whatever you ask of him and shut

you out. The fact that he would go to McDonald's without telling you is evidence

that he doesn't feel safe enough to be open about his divergent opinions.

 

For a marriage to endure, both parties must feel sufficiently comfortable in

their own home to let their guard down and be themselves. It is vital that you

both come to terms with your differences so you can relax and speak honestly in

each other's presence. Let your husband know how significant veganism is to you

as an individual and as a mother. Be willing to discuss your reasons in a calm,

rational manner. If either of you is feeling upset, annoyed, tense, or

defensive, it would be best to wait for another day when you can be more serene

and cool-headed. Your husband also deserves equal time to express his viewpoint,

but he will be candid only if his perspective is heard without judgement. Can

you do that? You must ask yourself if you are capable of allowing him the

freedom to believe and behave differently from the values with which you want to

live and raise your daughter.

 

Your husband may never change his beliefs no matter what you attempt or how long

you wait, and it is important that you prepare yourself for that very real

possibility. It takes courage, tolerance, and patience to remain in a " mixed

marriage " and to respectfully determine how to handle the matters of everyday

life. There will be many decisions ahead of you, not the least of which are

those surrounding the raising of your daughter.

 

Parents need to present a unified value system to their children. Therefore, you

and your husband must come to an agreement about some very basic issues. Will

your husband comply with and support your decision to raise your daughter vegan?

How will you instill in your daughter the fundamental ethics of veganism while

providing a way for her to honor her father's differences? Can you concur on

what food choices are appropriate? Are you able to present a united position to

grandparents and other relatives? Are you both prepared to explain to family

members, friends' parents, and teachers what food, toys, clothing, and personal

care items are or are not acceptable and why?

 

Then there are issues relative to your personal threshold. What is your comfort

level regarding your husband purchasing nonvegan items, such as leather

products, and bringing them into the home? Could you tolerate him cooking meat

at home, perhaps in the same pans you might use to prepare a vegan dish? How do

feel about him eating meat or dairy products in front of your daughter? How will

you handle having company over for dinner or going out to eat? Can you trust

that your husband will not offer your daughter meat or dairy products when the

two of them are out of your presence?

 

These are profound concerns that can penetrate the nucleus of your marriage. You

each have much soul searching and inner exploring to do before you can both feel

reassured that your separate points of view will be reciprocally respected and

valued. Nevertheless, try to begin the process as soon as possible because there

are several entities at stake: your daughter, your husband, yourself, your

marriage, and your family. Keep an open heart and let love and wisdom guide you

to the best conclusion for all.