For those Members on Kay's emotional post.xx

[Guest guest]

Thank you ALL for taking the time to reply.

Forgive me for seeking the attention - but if there is ONE

affirmation I would like to take on, it is this..

" I deserve it "

.... Because dear friends I am not very useful like this! I believe

there is a purpose for my life that will make sense of everything.

However, I currently feel immobilised by my mind. It is like two

people in my head who just don't get on! In fact it is like having my

mum on one side (the most positive person I know) and my dad on the

other (the most negative person I know)

 

What I am about to write is not meant as some excuse or justification

of events.

I am hearing from you guys what I need to hear for my benefit am I

not?!

 

Can I just write this because it will release some pent up

thoughts..?..

And then, I will print of the replies you have already sent and get

REAL with myself.

 

I have read just about every self-help, and Spiritual/metaphysical

book I can get hold of and afford. Originally having interest as a

Christian I since explored the field of healing. (I am no longer

religious)

The one thing I do believe is BELIEF being all there is.

 

It is one thing acquiring Spiritual knowledge etc and another

applying this knowledge to life. In any event Spiritual knowing isn't

understood by the mind in anycase. You kinda have to BE the

knowledge – Perhaps I am stuck somewhere here then?

Why doesn't my mind surrender to the truth? Or put it another way -

Why isn't my mind a servant to my heart's truth?

 

There is something " missing " with me, even whilst I do KNOW " God "

I can give a piece of " my God " to others and feel it in return -

but...

 

I am a big affirmation fan! I will make more of it - I DO promise

that to myself TODAY.

 

The only thing that I can really explain right now is feelings of

isolation, abandonment and lack of purpose. It seems like an excuse

to " blame " everything on my environment because the change comes from

within before I will see outer possibilities. However, I feel so cut

off.

It is not even the past that haunts me most. It is the waking to the

here and now of my current position in life and my actual

surroundings. Until I create wellness it is inappropriate to move.

Yet I wake up with a huge void (and feeling unwell physically) Each

day the only purpose is for me in a flat, eating raw foods whilst my

system cleanses and heals itself so I can move on. And I don't like

what I have done to myself, so I don't like how I am feeling

physically or mentally.

Oh yes - I can do some more voluntary work but I feel so " different "

in my eating habits that somehow I make an anxiety of it. OR I eat as

other's do to avoid my self and to make life " easy " with the task in

hand or to fit in with others, the regime etc..

I can go up the gym, except I am giving it a bit of rest due to

health issues.

I do yoga but I feel so uncomfortable it is almost unbearable

to " feel " myself.

 

In truth I would like to " leave " me ?!

Even a walk in lovely surroundings reduces me to unbearable sadness –

I feel like a " blot " on the landscape – Everything so perfect in

God's creation except me.. (So pathetic and " poor me " – I hate it!)

 

Events that could bring joy I bring unhappiness to..

My Aunt is over to visit from her home in Sweden so I popped on the

bus yesterday and took a ride out to visit her at my Granny's house.

An uncle was there also. Oh how well I look to them, (because I am

usually too thin in their eyes) and why aren't I working?? bla-bla..

I ended up staying for dinner, it was the least worry of the day -

Staying alive was more important. Once that food is inside me

however – the agitation feels close to suicidal despair. I am

actually angry at the world for eating this way! – But I have my own

choice?!!

I am already " petrified " of my cousin's wedding in August. My family

just don't `do' with me and eating habits anymore. Not when you

haven't exactly been an advert of health on raw foods!

How I would rather live in a different country then I wouldn't

concern myself with Family. I just want to find out who I want to be

and BE that – and be OK!

The problem is, I have created nothing and no-one in my life here

because of this food thing. That sounds like a complete misperception

of things I KNOW!

I am just stating how I'm feeling.

 

No-one asks me out, nor to any family events (except weddings and

Christmas) Friends I have made here - I kinda play a game of pretence

with because I seem to have lost those I was " real " with – Meaning I

haven't really made any friends who see life from a similar

perspective. (It is a very conventional town)

I don't have a car to get out to the country. In fact the latest

advice was to get a t.v to help with the evening despair. I have

never lived in a central town flat until I came here. I am unable to

move anywhere just now. In fact I am so emotionally strung out moving

or evening taking a `holiday' provokes anxiety because you have to

eat wherever you go. For me that means discomfort.

 

I have developed a habit of sabotaging myself to just live in the

moment as some kind of relief from my mind - like eating with my

family yesterday. But then it leads to aggressive bingeing – I feel

powerless in this area just now. And I have had such support - why am

I beating myself? - raw food is great, the only way I can see sanity.

I think Bob hit the spot with " not letting go of the past " I often

think I have, but being as I feel " stuck " in the town where I lived

before and loath for it's memories; I guess " moving on " and " getting

over it " are perhaps a come and go affair?

Why am I feeling so powerless to stop? Even when I believe in my goal

I wake with dread/despair. Everyone who knows me thinks I am this

vivacious girl with a warm friendly nature. Inside I feel crippled,

unable to be my own friend..

 

Goodness knows how this sounds.?! Perhaps it is too heavy, I don't

intend to press the conversation further. Something might

just " click " today and I will pick myself up, dust down and walk…

 

Thank you for listening – The connection is a friend in itself..

Hope this is ok? – Hey! – Be honest..?

 

Love Kay xx