Amusing comment.....

[Guest guest]

From another list ...

 

 

Jo

 

Stay calm, go shopping

 

AL Kennedy

Friday June 21, 2002

The Guardian

 

I don't know about you, but I find I am resting much more easily in my bed

now

that the splendid FBI and CIA have proved themselves able to predict

whenever a

cohort of the Evil Axis is considering a plan to possibly begin thinking

about

the sketches for what might turn out to be a dirty bomb. No one will make

fun

of intelligence agencies in the Oval Office any more and a new joint crest

can

proudly show the left hand of Central Security joining the right hand of

Federal Security and together finding and covering their noble president's

arse. Likewise, I am glad that Evil will not row its way under Gibraltar,

rendering our plucky rock explosive or, even worse, Spanish.

 

But, of course, the forces of Light and Truth cannot be everywhere and (due

to

budgetary constraints and the public's wrong-headed insistence on

inconvenient

civil liberties) their crusaders cannot tap, tape, scan or steam open every

possible communication throughout the globe. We must face the fact that

people

all over the world are passing secrets to each other - sometimes in Arabic,

and

that's a fantastically difficult language. Why, it's a wonder

Arabic-speaking

people can even buy a packet of crisps without accidentally ordering a

missile

launcher and accepting responsibility for any number of outrages.

 

This means we may never uncover the dreadful Iraqi scheme to build a network

of

huge trampolines that will catapult smallpox-infected koi carp into the

Mediterranean, causing alarm to tourists everywhere. North Korean agents

have

already managed to sneak a prison reformer's portrait on to the new " magic

serial number " fivers. This has confused British bank tellers and

embarrassed

the government at a time when we should be banging up as many scumbag Brits

and

(most likely Evil) refugees as possible. This would mean they would succumb

to

suicidal depression in various mismanaged hell holes, thus reducing strains

on

the immigration and probation services and the risk they would have posed to

national security. Thank God the Notes of Evil were recalled in time.

 

A Libyan scheme to steal David Beckham has been thwarted by ensuring that

one

of 12 possible Beckhams is always kept in a high-altitude orbit, but quite

frankly other much less important people could be poisoned, squashed, blown

up

or irradiated by Evil any minute. Our only hope lies in channelling the

entire

combined domestic product of the Forces of Light into intelligence gathering

and arms production. So, out with safe drinking water, hospitals and schools

and in with more submarines, Sarin and those lovely banned landmines we

still

sort of sell.

 

Now the cost of these improvements to freedom's essential defences will

naturally place a considerable strain on the British and US economies that

are,

in turn, supported by consumer debt. This means that, in order to protect

your

limbs and loved ones, each British citizen will soon be expected to service

at

least two car loans, seven store credit cards, two conventional credit

cards,

an overdraft and a 100% mortgage on an inner-city flat with severe

structural

faults, or a jerry-built semi in the middle of a flood plain. Only with your

help can Goodness triumph.

 

Naturally, consumers are less willing to consume when they are afflicted by

pointless fears over their physical wellbeing and nagging doubts about their

futures. So it is important that all relevant security services should

soothe

the masses with triumphant bulletins outlining the daring way they have

already

foiled plots by the Shining Path to reverse the direction of bath taps in

Plymouth, or al-Qaida's scheme to render all British condom vending machines

mildly radioactive. There must be plots, they must be harmlessly unmasked,

there must be consumer spending and those all-important Weapons of Goodness

must be constructed and deployed.

 

There must also be no confusion over what constitutes a Weapon of Goodness.

Britain's chemical, biological and nuclear illegal weapons of indiscriminate

mass destruction are Good, as are those of our allies. Anyone else's are

Evil,

unless we or our allies supplied them. Good Weapons remain Good, even if we

sell them to leaders intent on oppressing and murdering their own

populations -

as long as said leaders support the IMF. Said supremos may also terrorise

the

populations of neighbouring countries, unless those countries are also our

allies, or contain things we may want - in which case, said leaders become

Evil. Unless they're in Israel. Or the US, or Pinochet's Chile. Good is

Good,

Bad is Bad and everyone should just stay calm and keeping spending.

 

comment

 

 

Guardian Unlimited Guardian Newspapers Limited 2002

 

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Please Forward To All Your Freinds.

Durham Resistance.

Carl.

 

 

 

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