The Toddler Diet

[Guest guest]

This just turned up on one of the Permaculture lists- not vegan, but

made me laugh anyway...

ler Miracle Diet

 

 

 

People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with

most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation

diet), you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go

broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on

their diets or quit after 3 days. Well, now there's the newler Miracle Diet.

 

Over the years you may have noticed that most 2 year olds are

trim. Now, the formula to their success is available to all in

this new diet. You may want to consult your doctor before

embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be seeing him

afterwards. Good Luck!!!

 

 

DAY ONE

 

Breakfast: 1 scrambled egg, 1 piece of toast with grape jelly.

Eat 2 bites of egg using your fingers, dump the rest on the

floor. Take 1 bite of toast, smear the jelly over your face and

clothes.

 

Lunch: 4 crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, 1 glass

of milk (3 sips only, spill the rest).

 

Dinner: 1 dry stick, 2 pennies, 1 nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

 

Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.

 

 

DAY TWO:

 

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.

Drink 1/2 bottle of vanilla extract or 1 vial of vegetable dye.

 

Lunch: 1/2 tube of " Pulsating Pink " lipstick and a handful of

Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). 1 ice cube, if desired.

 

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take

outside, drop it in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it

is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.

 

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean which should be thrust up your

left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes, eat with

a spoon.

 

 

DAY THREE:

 

Breakfast: 2 pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat 1 with fingers,

rub in hair. Glass of milk, drink 1/2, stuff other pancake in

glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick

off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.

 

Lunch: 3 matches, peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Spit several

bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

 

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red

punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.

 

 

FINAL DAY:

 

Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of

soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes,

add 1/2 cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed

cereal to dog.

 

Lunch: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.

Find that sucker and finish eating it.

 

Dinner: 1 glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball

on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert