singing attorney generals and other ripley's believe it or not categories

[Guest guest]

Ashcroft Sings, Nation Cringes

More Proof Positive That the United States Attorney General is Quite Possibly

Insane

By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

Friday, March 8, 2002

 

Like it's not creepy enough that everyone's favorite terminally bitter

ultraconservative Christian US attorney general actually has himself anointed

with cooking oil upon the assumption of every public office he has every

held.

 

Like it's not disturbing enough that when John Ashcroft was forcibly

installed as AG as a token bone to the conservative right, and well before

anyone realized he would swallow 9/11 whole and suddenly become one of the

strangest and most dangerous law enforcers in history, none other than Scalia

sycophant and noted Coke aficionado Clarence Thomas performed the oleaginous

honors.

 

Like it's not sad enough that the most ferociously religious antigay

anti-choice attorney general of this or possibly any other century, the one

designated to enforce unbiased laws such as those separating church and state

as well as those separating the mildly psychotic from public office, gives

speeches at Bob Jones University and holds rigid Pentecostal prayer meetings

in his office every day.

 

And while he doesn't require staffers to attend, he does indeed make each and

every one of them feel rather discomfited and weird about it, perhaps akin to

your own boss holding nice daily little kitten-bloodletting rituals in the

company conference room and " suggesting " you attend but he won't hold it

against you if you don't and never mind the little notebook he keeps

scribbling in while scowling at you.

 

Like it's not bad enough the man ram rodded the USA Patriot Act down the

nation's throat, blithely butchering your civil liberties and scanning your

email and indefinitely detaining immigrants while openly stating that if you

oppose any of his all-American draconian laws you are clearly a Communist

terrorist sympathizer and should be shot and perhaps sodomized by leprous

cannibalistic agnostics on the spot. Completely true. Except for maybe the

lepers thing.

 

And is it not embarrassing enough that the man used eight grand of your tax

money to have those scary partially naked statues representing Justice and

Law, the ones that have been standing in the DOJ's Great Hall for over 70

years, covered with heavy curtains, because he has a deep fear of sex and

large aluminum nipples and did we mention the man doesn't drink or smoke or

dance? Ever? And he ostensibly believes calico cats are signs of the devil?

And we're not making this up?

 

But now this. Now the public singing. You have to see this. It is incredible

and sad. It is available via CNN, right here. Go ahead. Click. You simply

must.

 

Here is Ashcroft finishing up a zealous speech at a North Carolina seminary

and suddenly and with a straight face and with no one hurling tomatoes,

launching into a full-voiced, four-minute, shockingly awful tune he wrote all

by himself, " Let the Eagles Soar, " a frighteningly jingoistic ditty delivered

straight from the podium to the stunned crowd and CNN cameras, terrifying

small children and animals and causing yet another bout of global wincing.

 

It sounds like no big deal. Ashcroft sings. A little odd, but so what. He was

a member of the Singing Senators, after all. He and Trent Lott too. They

actually put out a CD, a few years ago. The song's probably fine, you might

say. Probably not all that bad, you say.

 

You have not heard " Let the Eagles Soar. " You have yet to see the man in

action, this most powerful of lawmakers, delivering lines like " Let the

mighty eagle soar/soar with healing in her wings/as the land beneath her

sings/only God no other kings/let the mighty eagle soar, " in his melodramatic

and quivery, barely on-key baritone. You will be stunned and deeply

frightened or you are already heavily medicated and far, far too Republican

for your own good.

 

Did you notice? " Only God and no other kings. " Well. One God dominates all.

Let's see. Why does that sound so familiar? What other hard-line religious

dogma violently enforces the exact same thing? Oh right. Nice complement to

his recent quote openly insulting the world's largest religion by stating

" Islam is a religion in which God requires you to send your son to die for

Him. Christianity is a faith in which God sends His son to die for you. "

Charming.

 

In fact, it would all be charming and funny and cute and demented and

ultimately forgettable were the man not so powerful, not so draconian and

McCarthy-like and ferociously detrimental to the country's health.

 

Go ahead. Sit back, have a shot or six of tequila, take a deep breath, steel

yourself and listen to the tune again. Sing along, even. Wave a flag, stroke

a rifle barrel and feel, just feel your sense of all that is good and right

and remotely melodious in the world wither and die. Soar, eagle, soar.

[Guest guest]

I't scarey Fraggle! Sounds totally made, apart from the not smoking or

drinking.

 

Jo

 

 

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[Guest guest]

oh, its even worse jo...he wants folks in his department, which just happens to

be the Justice Dept start every work day with a prayer, and he has started

meetings with one of his songs..

the man is a loon

looks like the english don't have a lock up of eccentrics in govt. anymore

but, ya lose an election to a dead guy, its gotta rattle a few cages in his mind

i gather!

fraggle

 

 

" Jo " <Heartwork wrote:

 

>I't scarey Fraggle! Sounds totally made, apart from the not smoking or

>drinking.

>

>Jo

>

>

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