an oldy but a goody

[Guest guest]

God's thoughts on lawns.....written to St Francis

 

GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world

is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the

dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a

perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type

of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar

from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and

flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by

now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

 

ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The

Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers " weeds " and went to

great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

 

GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's

sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all

that grass growing there?

 

 

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it

and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and

poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

 

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow

really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

 

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,

they cut it -- sometimes twice a week.

 

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

 

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it

in bags.

 

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

 

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

 

GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will

grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it

away?

 

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

 

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut

back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth

and saves them a lot of work.

 

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass

stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to

water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

 

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a

sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves

in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the

autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep

moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they

rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural

circle of life.

 

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn

a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great

piles and pay to have them hauled away.

 

GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the

winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

 

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy

something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it

around in place of the leaves.

 

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

 

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

 

GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St.

Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you

scheduled for us tonight?

 

ST. CATHERINE: Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie

about ...

 

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.

Francis.

 

 

 

I don't wanna be no war hero

Don't want a movie made about me

I don't wanna be no war hero

Just get away from the madness I see