Chef's Dictionary little humor for the day, we all need a laugh now and then OT

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Chef's Dictionary

 

Al Dente: Italian term for the desired stage in the

preparation of pasta, when it is cooked yet still firm

to the bite.

Pasta that has been boiled too long is described,

according to the degree to which it has been

overcooked, as

al gummo, al musho, al botcho, and al garbaggio.

Barbecue: Primitive summertime rite at which spirits

are present, chunks of food are sacrificed by being

burnt

on braziers by sauce-smeared men wearing odd hats and

aprons with cabalistic slogans, and human flesh is

offered to insects.

Basting: Process through which cooking juices in a

roasting pan are carefully transferred -- with a

basting siphon,

ladle or spoon-- to the oven rack, the bottom of the

oven, the inside of the oven door, the floor, the

stove top,

and the counter.

Chef: Any cook who swears in French.

Cookbook: A collection of recipes arranged in such a

fashion that the cook must turn the page just after

the point

where a thick paste of flour, water, and lard is mixed

by hand.

Diet: The specific types and quantities of food that

any given individual will start eating tomorrow,

next week, or after the beginning of the new year.

Food: Any plant or animal substance that provides

nourishment. There are basically four broad categories

of food: carbohydrates, fats, proteins, and

individually wrapped chocolates with cherry centers.

Gadget: Any mechanical device that performs a kitchen

task in one-twentieth the time it takes to find it.

Gelatin: A pain in the aspic.

Gourmet: Anyone who, when you fail to finish something

strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired

taste

and that you're leaving the best part.

Health Food: Any food whose flavor is

indistinguishable from that of the package in which it

is sold.

Imported: Packed in a box, can, carton or bottle with

a label containing lies in a foreign language.

Jams and Jellies: Sweet fruit confections served at

breakfast with toast, muffins or other baked goods.

Oddly

enough, jams and jellies are considered diet foods,

since the calories expended in opening the jars and

packets

in which they are sold greatly exceeds the number

consumed in the course of eating their contents.

Kitchen Cabinet: Storage areas containing items that

should have been put somewhere else.

Ladle: The only thing that is edible in a pot of leek

soup.

Marinade: Any flavored liquid mixture in which a dish

whose recipe you just looked up after deciding to

serve it

this evening should have been soaking in since at

least last night.

Noodles: Honestly! Nobody, but nobody, calls them

noodles anymore. Wash your mouth out with kir and see

PASTA.

Oven Mitt: A partially charred grease stain that fits

over the hand.

Picnic: Any meal eaten more than 100 yards from the

nearest bathroom.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for

preparing ingredients you forgot to buy in utensils

you don't own

to make a dish the dog won't eat the rest of.

Sugar: One of a class of carbohydrates present in one

form or another in all foods. Common sources of sugar

and the types they contain are: fructose and glucose

(fruit juice and honey); lactose (milk); sucrose

(sugar cane or sugar beets); maltose (malt); and

jocose, verbose, morose, lachrymose, bellicose, and

comatose (alcohol).

Taste: 1. The ability to distinguish between, say,

Tripes a la Mode de Caen and chocolate pudding. 2. The

critical discernment necessary to choose the chocolate

pudding.

Timer: Adjustable clock that rings or otherwise

signals when a particular dish is overcooked.

Utensil: A spill, cut, burn, or bungle with a handle

on the end.

Vinaigrette: Basic French dressing that consists of

too much oil added a bit too quickly to a mixture

containing

partially ground peppercorns from a malfunctioning

mill, an excess of salt, all the juice that could be

gotten out

of an old lemon half, and dry mustard that fell out of

the can in a big lump.

Whisk: One of a number of exercise devices used by

sedentary cooks to develop muscles and improve body

tone.

Other items of workout equipment found in kitchens

include the egg beater (strengthens pectorals), the

cheese grater (enlarges triceps), and the salad

spinner (firms up deltoids).

Yogurt: Semisolid dairy product made from partially

evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only

foods that taste exactly the same as they sound.

Zinfandel: Red wine produced in very large volume in

California and available by the liter or gallon in

both premium and

unleaded varieties and tastes good anytime.

 

Hummus and Pesto Recipes

 

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