Guest guest Posted August 6, 2005 Report Share Posted August 6, 2005 HI Jo Thank you for your thoughtful post. Me and this gal were friends for several reasons...we both had the time and interest and ability to communicate well online, we both had similar relationships issues with our bf's, and we are both in our mid 30's. Also, I appreciated her willingness and ability to listen to my posts and really give thoughtful answers. I do miss that. But what can I do? She got very critical of me and my Buddhism (without knowing a darn thing about it I may add). She got critical about a lot of things. And it was wearing on me because our values were so different. ***** But I wanted to add something about the friendship issue you brought up. I am more inclined these days to practice *tolerance* for others rather than cutting them off because they don't think/feel the same as me. The reason I am choosing tolerance before cutting them off is because all of the people I know are so unique I don't think I could meet anyone with whom I didn't disagree on something. I am trying to see the *good* in people rather than focusing on what doesn't match. How can we understand others if we cut them off? How can we grow? How can we develop our tolerance if we only surround ourselves with people just like us? Also, I may not like how a person eats or their disregard for animals but I may like other things about them. This doesn't mean I can be *close*to them but I can certainly be social on a level and develop more understanding. With my online friend, had I not practiced a *tolerance* and appreciation for what she had to offer, there is no way I would've been able to stay friends with her for 3.5 years. In essence, it's an accomplishment that we went that long! I have decided to be this way because in my younger days, I *would* cut others off because I was so sensitive about things. Now I want to be a little bit different. But I hear your point totally. If one is unkind and not supportive, what is the point of being friends? Soliel In a message dated 8/6/05 8:17:45 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, writes: Message: 16 Sat, 6 Aug 2005 11:44:47 +0100 "Jo Cwazy" <heartworkRe: Re: your imput pleaseI think sometimes we have friends for quite a while before we find out that there is not much we have in common, and several areas of friction. I've always thought that it's not worthing having any friends who cause you to feel miserable, or offended or anything other than good about who you are and what you do. Of course, that could be why I have loads and loads of friendly acquaintances and no real friends other than Colin. It's just a matter of deciding how important a friend is to you, and whether you are actually important to them. Sometimes people just use you without giving back, and then it's best to call it a day.BBJo - lv2breathe Cc: Lv2breathe Friday, August 05, 2005 7:38 PM Re: your imput please Thanks, Jo. I honestly don't know how much better I could have been. I put up with her spewing untruths for a long time. I felt I did pretty good considering what she said and how long I tolerated it. Soliel In a message dated 8/5/05 10:24:47 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, writes: Message: 21 Fri, 5 Aug 2005 17:38:12 +0100 "Jo Cwazy" <heartwork Re: Your imput please How better? Jo - Michael Benis Friday, August 05, 2005 4:59 PM RE: Your imput please Well, you know the answer, really, don't you Soleil, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You feel bad about it. Your online friend feels bad about. You could have expressed yourself better..... The analogy holds in some ways, but not all, and the differences are important. That said you and hopefully your friend are still alive, so there's an opportunity to discuss how you felt and how she feels and to apologise if any offence was caused. That's my tuppence worth... Michael To send an email to - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted August 6, 2005 Report Share Posted August 6, 2005 I think it is a matter of weighing up how much you are getting out of the relationship and what you are putting in. I have lots of acquaintances I like but I wouldn't call them friends (others may). I have acquaintances at work that I have lunch with or go to coffee with and enjoy their company (presumably they enjoy mine otherwise they wouldn't meet up). These people have some things in common with me and some things not. If the relationship is making me unhappy there is no point in continuing it - what would be the reason. I would expect the same if the other person were unhappy. I don't see this as cutting somone off - just backing off a little. There is no law that says you have to continue unproductive friendships - you haven't made any promises or signed agreements. What would be your reason for pursuing a friendship in this state? Don't continue a friendship that isn't. There is no need for you to contact this person. If she contacts you (do you think she will?) then you can decide what to do. In the meantime have fun meeting new people, who may become better friends. There are lots of people in the world. Try again with other people. You may eventually find people who will not hurt you, and if you don't hurt them you will have a good friendship. Good luck Jo - lv2breathe Cc: Lv2breathe Saturday, August 06, 2005 4:44 PM Re: Your imput please/friendships HI Jo Thank you for your thoughtful post. Me and this gal were friends for several reasons...we both had the time and interest and ability to communicate well online, we both had similar relationships issues with our bf's, and we are both in our mid 30's. Also, I appreciated her willingness and ability to listen to my posts and really give thoughtful answers. I do miss that. But what can I do? She got very critical of me and my Buddhism (without knowing a darn thing about it I may add). She got critical about a lot of things. And it was wearing on me because our values were so different. ***** But I wanted to add something about the friendship issue you brought up. I am more inclined these days to practice *tolerance* for others rather than cutting them off because they don't think/feel the same as me. The reason I am choosing tolerance before cutting them off is because all of the people I know are so unique I don't think I could meet anyone with whom I didn't disagree on something. I am trying to see the *good* in people rather than focusing on what doesn't match. How can we understand others if we cut them off? How can we grow? How can we develop our tolerance if we only surround ourselves with people just like us? Also, I may not like how a person eats or their disregard for animals but I may like other things about them. This doesn't mean I can be *close*to them but I can certainly be social on a level and develop more understanding. With my online friend, had I not practiced a *tolerance* and appreciation for what she had to offer, there is no way I would've been able to stay friends with her for 3.5 years. In essence, it's an accomplishment that we went that long! I have decided to be this way because in my younger days, I *would* cut others off because I was so sensitive about things. Now I want to be a little bit different. But I hear your point totally. If one is unkind and not supportive, what is the point of being friends? Soliel In a message dated 8/6/05 8:17:45 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, writes: Message: 16 Sat, 6 Aug 2005 11:44:47 +0100 "Jo Cwazy" <heartworkRe: Re: your imput pleaseI think sometimes we have friends for quite a while before we find out that there is not much we have in common, and several areas of friction. I've always thought that it's not worthing having any friends who cause you to feel miserable, or offended or anything other than good about who you are and what you do. Of course, that could be why I have loads and loads of friendly acquaintances and no real friends other than Colin. It's just a matter of deciding how important a friend is to you, and whether you are actually important to them. Sometimes people just use you without giving back, and then it's best to call it a day.BBJo - lv2breathe Cc: Lv2breathe Friday, August 05, 2005 7:38 PM Re: your imput please Thanks, Jo. I honestly don't know how much better I could have been. I put up with her spewing untruths for a long time. I felt I did pretty good considering what she said and how long I tolerated it. Soliel In a message dated 8/5/05 10:24:47 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time, writes: Message: 21 Fri, 5 Aug 2005 17:38:12 +0100 "Jo Cwazy" <heartwork Re: Your imput please How better? Jo - Michael Benis Friday, August 05, 2005 4:59 PM RE: Your imput please Well, you know the answer, really, don't you Soleil, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. You feel bad about it. Your online friend feels bad about. You could have expressed yourself better..... The analogy holds in some ways, but not all, and the differences are important. That said you and hopefully your friend are still alive, so there's an opportunity to discuss how you felt and how she feels and to apologise if any offence was caused. That's my tuppence worth... Michael To send an email to - Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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