It Still Hurts

March 24, 2004

Hi Guys.

Some of you may remember my post about my uncle Herb. Uncle Herb went missing thirty some years ago. Uncle Albert hired a private detective to search for him, but nothing came of it. Greg & I also searched for him over a three year period, also without success. We concluded that Uncle likely had died an unknown somewhere.

I have never been close to my dad's family for reasons I have discussed in past posts. I went so far as to change my name so as not to be identified as a member of the family. The only two relatives I liked were Uncle Albert & Uncle Herb.

Uncle Herb was gone, and I lost touch with Uncle Albert over the years. Last week I was thinking about Uncle Herb, and somehow that led me to calling Uncle Albert, who I haven't talked with for over thirty years. I expected him to be dead, but he was still alive. He is now 85 years old.

Talking to him after all of these years was awkward at first, but after a few talks we warmed up to each other. Uncle Albert & I are the only two men left alive in our immediate family. During our third talk I mentioned how I regretted the disappearance of Uncle Herb. His response took me by surprise. Uncle Herb had come to Uncle Albert's home during the Christmas season of 2002. Uncle Albert said he was filthy, having unkept hair and a matted beard. He hadn't bathed in months, maybe years. Uncle Albert said he looked worse than Saddam. He had his few possessions tied to a bicycle. Including a brick?

Uncle had at one time been the best welder in the state of Indiana. He had a wife and five children., and a nice house. He walked away from a good, respectable life to become an itinerant preacher. A homeless preacher. But who would listen to a dirty, homeless, preacher who smelled and looked nasty? He was told that if he returned to Phoenix, Arizona, he would be arrested. I'm not sure why.

Uncle Albert offered to help him if he would only take a shower, shave, and wear clean clothes. But Uncle would not do it. After a day or so, he moved on. His parting words to Uncle Albert were: "you will never see me again." He was right. He died two years later. He was cremated and his ashes were scattered on the Mojave desert as he wished.

Why did Uncle leave a family that loved him to become a homeless preacher? I think I know. You see, Uncle Albert, Uncle Herb, and me come from a family some of whom took an active part in the holocaust. This is hard to deal with. I think Uncle snapped under the shame and disgust of being part of such a family. Uncle was a nice guy. It was more than he could deal with. I know how he felt. It's interesting that both Uncle & I turned to religion for solace. My entire life has been devoted to trying to make up for what they did. Not a day goes by when I don't think of the victims of the holocaust, and feel a deep sense of guilt. I think Uncle felt the same way. I pushed on, he cracked up. There is no way either of us can make up for the horrors inflicted on our fellow man by our relatives. I know that. I know that we were not to blame for what happened. This is so hard to write. I'm crying as I write. The pain will never go away. I

don't know why God has blessed me with a loving family of my own. Iam grateful that He has entrusted me to serve His children, both human & animal.

I look forward to meeting Uncle when I cross the Rainbow Bridge. I will hug him and say, " I understand."

Jim

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