heh heh..always good to get the monty python perspective

[Guest guest]

I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

 

Terry Jones

Sunday January 26, 2003

The Observer

 

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running

out of patience. And so am I!

For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a

couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health

food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning

something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've

been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got

everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

 

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources -

that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling

them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

 

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But

that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime

with which to charge my neighbours.

 

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs

of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his

plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering

people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic

firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's

been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all

I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I

want!

 

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the

only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to

stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb

a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

 

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children.

Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop

peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

 

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that

Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even

if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing

Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

 

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue

states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you

ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all

terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a

terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists?

These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known

terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

 

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future

terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim

fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to

fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to

eliminate all Muslims?

 

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the

iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who

- quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've

wiped them all out.

 

My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same

logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

 

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for

the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two

weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and

interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist

masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm

going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

 

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what

he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

[Guest guest]

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.....

 

 

nikki

 

, EBbrewpunx@c... wrote:

> I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush

>

> Terry Jones

> Sunday January 26, 2003

> The Observer

>

> I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:

he's running out of patience. And so am I!

> For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who

lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who

runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm

sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I

haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a

few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well

hidden. That's how devious he is.

>

> As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very

good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have

leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll

pick us off one by one.

>

> Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the

police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they

need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

>

> They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the

rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr

Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me,

while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only

one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon

it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a

little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that

all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and

do whatever I want!

>

> And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards

Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security.

The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers

targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that

have never threatened us.

>

> That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife

and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll

leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable

way.

>

> Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing

Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of

mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've

just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children

as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

>

> Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by

eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-

term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How

will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every

single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist

once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists?

These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the

known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated

themselves.

>

> Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a

future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective

until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate

Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe

thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

>

> It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the

tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street

who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No

one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.

>

> My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply

using the same logic as the President of the United States. That

shuts her up.

>

> Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough

reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give

the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open

and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic

outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't

hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the

entire street to kingdom come.

>

> It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in

contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one

street.

[Guest guest]

LOL!

 

Jo

 

 

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