GOOD ADVICE.

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GOOD ADVICE .

-Laurelee Blanchard <laureleeTuesday, February 13, 2001 9:18 PMGood advice from ColumnistBy Carolyn HaxWashington Post Staff WriterSunday, February 11, 2001; Page F01Dear Carolyn:I graduated from college last year and moved in with my longtimegirlfriend. We are engaged to be married in June. She is smart and fun,and we seem like a perfect match.About eight months ago, I read a book about animal rights and it mademe decide to stop eating meat. I started to learn more, and last month Ibecame vegan. My fiancee isn't too supportive. I really love her, but sheis pretty inconsiderate about my choice. I can accept that she continuesto eat meat in front of me, but she constantly belittles my concerns andeven tries to sneak meat into my food. I would like to work things outbetween us, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my morals.* TornYou know, if you were slipping peroxide into your fiancee's shampoobecause you thought she should be blond, her friends would be handingher hot-line numbers and she'd be chucking your stuff on the street.Someone with so little regard for your choices, particularly a choicebased in conscience, is either controlling or childish or some equallyunmarryable combo of both. If she can't let a little tofu into her lifewithout staging a covert hissy counteroffensive, what happens when themuch bigger curd hits the fan? (That's a "when," not an "if," I promise.)Before June barges in on you-well, well before-you need to take a cuefrom the food thing and deal with the larger communication failure.Your diet is just a symptom here. Listen listen listen to each other,both of you. You start it off with the topic du jour, by asking her whatso offends her about veganism.Clearly she's sending a message, but whatever it is, she's trying tosay it with meat. There are better ways. She, in turn, needs to hearyou explain how you feel-about animal rights and about her scorn.It may just be that she feels threatened by your changing insubstantive ways.But even then, there's no excuse good enough for the disrespect she'sbeen showing, and the conversation isn't over until this much comes out.If she can't get her carnivorous mind around that, consider acquiringan ex-fiancee.