Humor: Did I Read That Sign Right?

[Guest guest]

In the John:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

 

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE

LIGHT GOES OUT.

 

On a highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS

IMPASSABLE.

 

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK

OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

 

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON

THE DRAINING BOARD.

 

In a maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED

 

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT

THEIR OWN GRAVES.

 

In a restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

 

On a mental institution building: MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTER.

 

In an automatic rest room hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

 

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING

YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

 

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

 

Seen in a church:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON

THE 1ST FLOOR.

 

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

 

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

 

Sign on an Arkansas highway: Caution: Water on road during rain.

 

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

 

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL

DOESN'T WORK).

 

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

 

In a Cocktail Lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

 

At a Budapest Zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT

TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 

In a Doctors office, Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 

In a Hotel, Acapulco:

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

 

Information booklet on using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES : IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,

PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

 

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:

WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM

MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE

HIM WITH VIGOUR.

 

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

 

In men's rest room in Japan : TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.

 

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER

IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

 

Hotel brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND

SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY

ITS SOLITUDE.

 

In a Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.

DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

 

In a Hotel lobby, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

 

In a Hotel room, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE

IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

 

In a Hotel room, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE

CHAMBERMAID.

 

In the lobby of Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET

COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

 

From the old " Soviet Weekly " : THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS

BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED

OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

 

On the door of a Moscow hotel room during the Soviet era: IF THIS IS

YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

 

In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING

SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

 

In a hotel room, Vienna: IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE

HOTEL PORTER.

 

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR

BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE,

MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH

EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

In a hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF

THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED

FOR THIS PURPOSE.

 

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST

METHODISTS.

 

In a laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE

AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

 

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

 

Ad from a tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN

CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

 

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON

YOUR OWN ASS?

 

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK

THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

 

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

 

In an airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND

THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

 

In the lobby of a Hotel catering to skiers, Austria : NOT TO PERAMBULATE

THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.

 

In a Supermarket, Hong Kong:

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

 

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

 

Intentionally Humorous Signs:

 

In the front yard of a funeral home, " Drive carefully, we'll wait. "

 

On an electrician's truck, " Let us remove your shorts. "

 

Outside a radiator repair shop, " Best place in town to take a leak. "

 

In a nonsmoking area, " If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on

fire and take appropriate action. "

 

On a maternity room door, " Push, Push, Push. "

 

On a front door, " Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog. "

 

At an optometrist's office, " If you don't see what you're looking for,

you've come to the right place. "

 

On a taxidermist's window, " We really know our stuff. "

 

On a butcher's window, " Let me meat your needs. "

 

On a fence, " Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive. "

 

At a car dealership, " The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a

car payment. "

 

Outside a muffler shop, " No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming. "

 

In a dry cleaner's emporium, " Drop your pants here. "

 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the

stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe

even a chuckle).

 

We all need a good laugh.

 

So .. y'all keep smiling. :-) Butch http://www.AV-AT.com