Humor: Health Questions and Answers

[Guest guest]

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this

really true?

 

A: Absolutely NOT! Your heart is only good for so many beats, and

that's it ... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out

eventually. Speeding up your heart rate will not make you live longer;

that's like saying you can extend the life if your car by driving it

faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

 

A: Absolutely NOT! You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does

a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak

is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to

your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of

field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100%

of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

 

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

 

A: Absolutely NOT! Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,

that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even

more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out from grain.

Bottoms up!

 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

 

A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one to

one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

exercise program?

 

A: NONE! Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

Pain .. Good!

 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

 

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be

bad for you?

 

Q: Will sit ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

 

A: Absolutely NOT! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should only be doing sit ups if you want a bigger stomach.

 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

 

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ... Cocoa beans .. another vegetable!!! It's

the best feel-good food around!

 

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

 

A: Absolutely NOT! If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales

to me.

 

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

 

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

 

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had

about food and diets.

 

And remember: " Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the

intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,

but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries

in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming

WOO HOO! What a Ride! "