O/T sunday funnies

[Guest guest]

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually

appeared in church

bulletins or were announced in church services:

 

* The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

 

* The sermon this morning: " Jesus Walks on the Water. " The sermon

tonight " Searching for

Jesus. "

 

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of

those things not worth

keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

 

* The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a

conflict.

 

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at

someone who is

hard to love. Say " Hell " to someone who doesn't care much about you.

 

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

 

* Miss Charlene Mason sang " I will not pass this way again, " giving

obvious pleasure to the

congregation.

 

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a

nursery downstairs.

 

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the

help they can get.

 

* Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more

transfusions. She is also

having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

 

* The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will

sing " Break Forth Into

Joy. "

 

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the

church. So ends a

friendship that began in their school days.

 

* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.

Music will follow.

 

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be " What Is

Hell? " Come early and listen

to our choir practice.

 

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of

several new members and

to the deterioration of some older ones.

 

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be

recycled Proceeds will be

used to cripple children.

 

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased

person you want

remembered.

 

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment

and gracious hostility

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

 

* The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They

may be seen in the

basement on Friday afternoon.

 

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across

from the Church. Bring

a blanket and come prepared to sin.

 

* Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies

are invited to lunch in

the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

 

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would

lend him their electric

girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

 

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use

the back door.

 

* The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the

Church basement Friday

at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

 

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.

Please use large

double door at the side entrance.

 

* The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign

slogan last Sunday: " I

Upped My Pledge - Up Yours "

 

 

.. " The Brothel "

 

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel

across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,

" Aye, 'tis a shame to

see a man of the cloth goin' bad. "

 

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,

" Aye, 'tis a shame to see

that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well. "

 

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the

Irishmen said, " What a

terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.