Humor: Early Retirement Advice - For Men

[Guest guest]

Hi, my name is Fred ..

 

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes

harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when

they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell. Some are

oversensitive and there is nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

Let me relate how I handled the above situation with my wife, Hazel.

When I was laid off from my consulting job and took " early retirement "

in December, it became necessary for Hazel to get a full time job, both

for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

 

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show

her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she

gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost

always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts

dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and

just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch

in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm

ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

 

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's

not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each

evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this,

as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider

telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

 

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf

all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal,

I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she

actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction

in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys

sleeping during our little trysts, what the heck...

 

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more

quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says

she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big

issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm

willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something

ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or

Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or

something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to

do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those

odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

 

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy

my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know.....get the grit

off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual

pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women

are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as

men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf

nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when

she's finished.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will

say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills

during her lunch hour. But guys, we take em for better or worse, so I

just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over

two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

 

I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't

hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of

my strong points.

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.

She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the

yard. I try not to make a scene.

 

I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of

freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she

is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then

take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall

asleep.

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her. I'm

not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will

find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better

than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

 

However, guys, if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of

your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it

was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each

other...

 

Fred

25 March 05

 

 

 

EDITOR'S NOTE: Fred died suddenly Saturday, 26 March 05. He was found

with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his

rectum with only two inches of grip showing. His wife Hazel was

arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally

sat on it and she was released on Monday, March 28th.