Puns for Intellectuals

[Guest guest]

1. Two vultures boarded a plane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The

stewardess stops them and says " sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger. "

2. NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental

purposes. They called it the herd shot round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in S Carolina. One took off to Hollywood and

became a rich star. The other stayed in Carolina and never amounted to much--and

naturally became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the

craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

5. A three-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and

announces, " I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who went to the dentist and refused to

take Novocain? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and met in the lobby

where they were discussing their recent victories in chess tournaments. The

hotel manager came out of the office after an hour, and asked them to disperse.

He couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

8. A women has twins, gives them up for adoption. One goes to an Egyptian

family and is named " Ahmal " The other is sent to a Spanish family and is named

" Juan " . Years later, Juan sends his birth mother a picture of himself. Upon

receiving the picture, she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture

of Ahmal. He replies, " They're twins for Pete's sake!! If you've seen Juan,

you've see Ahmal!! "

9. A group of friars opened a florist shop to help with their belfry

payments. Everyone liked to buy flowers from the Men of God, so their business

flourished. A rival florist became upset that his business was suffering because

people felt compelled to buy from the Friars, so he asked the Friars to cut

back hours or close down. The Friars refused. The florist went to them again

and

begged that they shut down. Again they refused. So the florist then hired

Hugh McTaggert, the biggest meanest thug in town. He went to the Friars' shop,

beat them up, destroyed their flowers, trashed their shop, and said that if

they didn't close, he'd be back. Well, totally terrified, the Friars closed up

shop and hid in their rooms. This proved that Hugh, and only Hugh, can

prevent florist friars.

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which

created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,

which

made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad breath. This

made him.... what? (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused fragile

mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. And finally, ...there was a woman who sent 10 puns to some friends in

hopes at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately no pun in

ten did!!!