Where's CHRIS?/and something hilarious!/OT

[Guest guest]

I've been trying to pin her down for almost a week now. Slippery than eel

slime. AND... I offer the following, some may not find it amusing, I found

it gut splitting....

**********************************************

Notice of Revocation of Independence

 

By John Cleese

 

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your

failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern

yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your

independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth

II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and

other territories.

 

Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The

Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until

now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will

appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be

circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid

in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules

are introduced with immediate effect:

 

1. You should look up " revocation " in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up " aluminium. " Check the pronunciation guide. You will be

amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter

'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',

skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the

letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced

'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix " ize " will be replaced by the suffix

" ise. " You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'

e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'

if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should

raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up " vocabulary. "

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such

as " like " and " you know " is an unacceptable and inefficient form of

communication. Look up " interspersed. " There will be no more 'bleeps'

in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad

language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop

your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

 

2. There is no such thing as " US English. " We will let Microsoft know

on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of " -ize. "

 

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.

It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney,

upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have

to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as

" Taggart " will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're

talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as

Devonshire in England. The name of the county is " Devon. " If you

persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become

" shires " e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

 

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as

the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to

play English characters. British sit-coms such as " Men Behaving Badly "

or " Red Dwarf " will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy

American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional

political incorrectness.

 

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, " God Save The

Queen " , but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want

you to get confused and give up half way through.

 

6. You should stop playing American " football. " There is only one kind

of football. What you refer to as American " football " is not a very

good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world

outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays

" American " football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and

should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if

you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave

enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to

American " football " , but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We

are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an

event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside

of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world

beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of

baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called " rounders, "

which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves,

collector cards or hotdogs.

 

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no

longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public

than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible

enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a

permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new

national holiday, but only in England. It will be called " Indecisive

Day. "

 

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for

your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what

we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You

will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same

time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit

of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you

Understand the British sense of humour.

 

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian

though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in

Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you

insist on calling potato chips are properly called " crisps. " Real

chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional

accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

 

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to

all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity

to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

 

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper

British Bitter will be referred to as " beer, " and European brews of

known and accepted provenance will be referred to as " Lager. " The

substances formerly known as " American Beer " will henceforth be

referred to as " Near-Frozen Knat's Urine, " with the exception of the

product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be

referred to as " Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine. " This will allow true

Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech

Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

 

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or " Gasoline, " as

you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices

with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the

former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices

(roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

 

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns

should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort

things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then

you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

 

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

 

(16.) Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you

shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to

1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

 

Cheers!

Kathleen Petrides

The Woobey Queen

The Warming Touch, Therapeutic Pillows

http://www.woobeyworld.com

[Guest guest]

Hey Mama with the breastfed crazy bone breaking woman cub ;-p

 

I'm around, just had a crazy busy week myself. I've finally wrapped up

most of the vanilla stuff / green tea seed oil co-op ... had my littlest

baby turn 2 and for the record I still haven't gotten my X-mas tree down

*lol* ...

 

And even though I love John Cleese and the show Fawlty Towers, England

can keep their Queen who is so out of touch she asked Eric Clapton this

week if he's been playing guitar for long *lol* He gracefully told her

... only about 45 years ;-p

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

http://www.alittleolfactory.com

 

 

 

 

Woobey Queen [WoobeyQueen]

 

I've been trying to pin her down for almost a week now. Slippery than

eel

slime. AND... I offer the following, some may not find it amusing, I

found

it gut splitting....

**********************************************

Notice of Revocation of Independence

 

By John Cleese

<snipped)

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

LOL! Don't get ME started on the Q of E.....dh is English, and I have so much

" royal " cr*p I don't know what to do with it. lol

Every time one of them has a birthday or whatever, my in-laws send me a

commemorative coin, plate, mug or what-not. Different strokes, I guess.....

 

: 0

 

Cindy

Pittstown Soapworks

www.pittstownsoapworks.com

 

 

 

-------------- Original message from " Christine Ziegler "

<chrisziggy: --------------

 

And even though I love John Cleese and the show Fawlty Towers, England can keep

their Queen who is so out of touch she asked Eric Clapton this week if he's been

playing guitar for long *lol* He gracefully told her

... only about 45 years ;-p

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

http://www.alittleolfactory.com