O/T Joke... Andy Rooney On....

[Guest guest]

1. Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday

that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

 

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning " lousy hunter. "

 

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each

prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners

into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I

don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they

should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate

electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair

that's hooked up to the generator.

 

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I

noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

" Married! " and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their

territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh

scent out of your clothes.

 

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the

morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women

are thinking, " How can he want me the way I look in the morning? " It's

because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

 

6. Andy Rooney on cripes

My wife's from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use

words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The

son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You

think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

 

7. Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior

Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out

entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she

gave you for your birthday.

 

8. Rooney on answering machines.

Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's

answering machine? " Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.

I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: " Share the love. " BEEP! " Uh,

yeah... this is the VD clinic calling... speaking of being positive, your

test results are back. Stop sharing the love.. "