Note to the cat and dog/joke

[Guest guest]

MEMO TO CATS & DOGS

 

1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch

positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

 

2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other

dishes are mine and contain my food.(Please note: placing a paw print in

the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find

it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)

 

3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating

me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall

faster than you can run.

 

4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner

beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball. So

it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to

the fullest extent possible.

 

5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

 

6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some

miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to

claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to

pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years..

Canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

 

7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden

leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone, jingle ball or claws on my

stomach, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.

 

8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering

pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the

carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was

wrong when you did it.

 

9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for

you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting

hairball in history.

 

10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I

cannot stress this enough.

 

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.

 

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and complain about our pets:

 

1. They live here; you don't.

 

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

 

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

 

4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's my child who is short, hairy, walks

on all fours and is speech-challenged.

 

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train,

usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't

hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest

fashions, don't wear your clothes and don't need a gazillion dollars for

college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

 

 

Cheers!

Kathleen Petrides

The Woobey Queen

The Warming Touch, Therapeutic Pillows

http://www.woobeyworld.com