OT - Christmas Humor/oldie but goodie!

[Guest guest]

CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

 

 

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find

out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

 

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What

they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor

pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went

in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at

Wal-Mart.I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in

an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an

hour saying things like, " What does this do? " " You're kidding me! " " Who

would buy

that? " Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a

standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my

truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.Finding what I wanted

was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line

according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book

on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise. " She was at the bottom of

the price scale. To call Louise a " doll " took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning

hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose

with Louis's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what

remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a

couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had

been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had

left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back

and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty

hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the

traditional Christmas dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. " What the

hell is that? " she asked. My brother quickly explained, " It's a doll. " " Who

would play with something like that? " Granny snapped. I had several

candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. " Where are her clothes? " Granny

continued. " Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, " Jay, my brother said,

trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. " Why

doesn't she have any teeth? " Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance

saying, " Hang on Granny! Hang on! "

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and

said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace? " I told him she was Jay's

friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to

Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we

realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went

well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and

who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot

like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the

panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the

sofa.

 

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran

across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth

resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

 

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's

garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louis's

collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the

back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct

tape, we restored her to perfect health.

 

Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa

still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

 

Happy Holidays,

Jan S

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

> CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

> Jan S

-----------

Thank you, thank you, I was feeling a bit down because my son can't come

home for Christmas and then I read your post!! I'm still laughing and wiping

tears away.

 

Have a great Christmas Jan S and everyone.

 

Nerys

Mineral makeup

www.neryspurchon.com

[Guest guest]

Yep, had read that one long ago. So long in fact that I had forgotten. Read

it twice and laughed out loud and am still sitting here and chuckling.

Thanks for the laugh, what a doozie!

 

K

 

Cheers!

Kathleen Petrides

The Woobey Queen

The Warming Touch, Therapeutic Pillows

http://www.woobeyworld.com

 

 

> CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

>

[Guest guest]

Nerys and Kathleen,

I am so happy! It is good medicine to smile. I have done my good deed for the

day. =þ

Nerys, I am sorry your son will not be home this Christmas. I know we raise them

to be strong and independent. But Dang! It hurts when they move away or leave

the nest.

 

Blessings to You,

Jan S

 

www.sweetprairiesoap.com

jans

~ The Soap Dr. is in! ~

 

 

[Guest guest]

Thanks, Jan. I really needed a good laugh today. I could just visualize

poor Grandpa (ha ha). What a great memory.

 

Blessings and love,

Effie

 

 

>

>CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

>

>

>This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find

>out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

>

>As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace

>before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What

>they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

>Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor

>pantyhose hung sadly empty.

>

>One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and

went

>in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at

>Wal-Mart.I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been

in

>an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an

>hour saying things like, " What does this do? " " You're kidding me! " " Who

>would buy

>that? " Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a

>standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in

my

>truck so I could use the carpool lane during rush hour.Finding what I

wanted

>was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the

line

> according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book

>on animal husbandry. I settled on 'Lovable Louise. " She was at the bottom

of

>the price scale. To call Louise a " doll " took a huge leap of imagination.

>

>On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to

life.

>My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning

>hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose

>with Louis's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what

>remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for

a

>couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had

>been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had

>left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back

>and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty

>hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the

>traditional Christmas dinner.

>

>My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. " What the

>hell is that? " she asked. My brother quickly explained, " It's a doll. " " Who

>would play with something like that? " Granny snapped. I had several

>candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. " Where are her clothes? " Granny

>continued. " Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, " Jay, my brother said,

>trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. " Why

>doesn't she have any teeth? " Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

>It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance

>saying, " Hang on Granny! Hang on! "

>

>My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me

and

>said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace? " I told him she was Jay's

>friend. A few minutes later, I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to

>Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we

>realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went

>well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and

>who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot

>like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the

>panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the

>sofa.

>

>The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran

>across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth

>resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and

>Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

>

>It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my mother's

>garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louis's

>collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the

>back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct

>tape, we restored her to perfect health.

>

>Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa

>still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

>

>Happy Holidays,

>Jan S

>

>

>

>

>

>