Humor: The Twelve Days Of Christmas - Department of Defense Style

[Guest guest]

DoD's Twelve Days of Christmas

 

The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa

with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

 

Status of acquisitions follows:

 

Day 1 - Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the

process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under.

Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the

lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component

command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and

repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to

decide who should lead this joint program.

 

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims

responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine

Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown

that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of

reference are being coordinated for a four-year $10M DARPA study.

 

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate

Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, from

the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an

acceptable domestic alternative.

 

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with

the contract awarded to AT & T. However, the award is being challenged by

a small disadvantaged business.

 

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold

plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been

initiated.

 

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However,

the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a

mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at

former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

 

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying

to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put

on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the

washout rate is so high.

 

Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking

training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit

against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution

of the lawsuit.

 

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been

halted by a lawsuit from the " Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association. "

Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as

long as they're off duty.

 

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by

terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue

operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU (SOC) are conducting a

" NEO-off " competition for the right to rescue.

 

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes

on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the

claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program

is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

 

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are

available for drumming drummers DoD is in the process of coordinating an

RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds

will not be available until FY 05.

 

As a result of the above mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a

High OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support

current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.