The Night Before Christmas (Star Trek) ** I

[Guest guest]

The Night Before Christmas (TNG)

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ship

Not a circuit was buzzing, not one iso-chip;

The phasers were hung in the arm'ry securely,

In hope that no aliens would get up that early.

 

The crewmen were nestled all snug in their bunks

(Except for the few who were partying drunks);

And Picard in his nightshirt and Bev in her lace,

Had just settled down for a neat face-to-face...

 

When out in the halls there arose such a racket,

That we leapt from our beds, pulling on pants and jacket.

Away to the lifts we all shot like a gun,

Leapt into the cars and yelled loudly, " Deck One! " .

 

The bridge Red-Alert lights, which flashed through the din,

Gave a luster of Hades to objects within.

When, what, on the viewscreen, should our eyes behold,

But a weird kind of sleigh, and some geek who looked old.

 

But the glint in his eyes was so strange and askew,

That we knew in a moment it had to be Q.

His sleigh grew much larger as closer he came.

Then he zapped on the bridge and addressed us by name;

 

" It's Riker! It's Data! It's Worf and Jean-Luc!

It's Geordi! And Wesley, the genetic fluke!

To the top of the bridge, to the top of the hall!

Now float away, float away, float away all!

 

As leaves in autumn are whisked off the street,

So the floor of the bridge came away from our feet,

And up to the ceiling our bodies they flew,

As the captain called out, " What the hell is this Q?! " .

The prankster just laughed and expanded his grin,

And, snapping his fingers, he vanished again.

 

As we took in our plight and were looking around,

The spell was removed, and we crashed to the ground.

Then Q, dressed in fur from his head to his toe,

Appeared once again to continue the show.

 

" That's enough! " cried the captain, " You'll stop this at once! " ,

And Riker said, " Worf! Take your aim at this dunce! " ,

" I'm deeply offended, Jean-Luc, " replied Q.

" I just wanted to spend Christmas with you. "

 

As we scoffed at his words, he produced a large sack.

He dumped out the contents, and took a step back.

" I've brought gifts, " he said, " just to show I'm sincere.

There's something delightful for everyone here. "

He sat on the floor and dug into the pile,

And handed out gifts with his most charming smile.

 

" For Counselor Troi, there's no need to explain,

Here's Tylenol-Beta for all of your pain.

For Worf I've got mints as his breath's not too great,

And for Geordi LaForge, an inflatable date.

 

For Wesley, some hormones, and Clearasil-Plus;

For Data, a joke book; for Riker, a truss.

For Beverly Crusher, there's sleek lingerie,

And for Jean-Luc, the thrill of seeing her that way. "

 

Then he sprang to his feet with that grin on his face,

And, clapping his hands, disappeared into space.

But we heard him exclaim as he dwindled form sight,

" Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!! "

 

 

 

The Night Before Christmas (TOS)

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the decks

Not a crewman was stirring, 'cept those having sex;

Their boots were all placed by the vent shafts with care,

In hopes that by morning they'd get some fresh air.

 

The Redshirts were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of stay'ng alive danced in their heads;

And Kirk in his gold shirt, McCoy in his blue,

Had just settled down for a nice Christmas brew--

 

When from the comm panel there came such a wail,

They sprang from their chairs, knocking over their ale.

Away to the panel Kirk flew, drenched in beer,

Snapped on the comm switch and barked loudly, " Kirk here! "

 

The squeals that emerged from the thing after that

Sounded just like the Devil was strangling a cat;

When, what to their bombarded ears should appear,

But the music of " Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, "

 

With a voice in the background, a murmur of talk,

That made Kirk exclaim, " Bones... That sounds just like Spock. "

More rapid than bullets his syllables came

As he tested each circuit and called it by name--

 

" Cross Alpha to Beta, join Delta to Theta,

Route Kappa through Lamba, and Gamma to Zeta.

To the end of the circuit, the end of the line,

Now clip a resistor--there. That should do fine. "

 

As Kirk and McCoy listened closely to this,

The comm unit speaker let out a long hiss.

So, off to the turbolift both of them flew,

With a mind to discover what Spock was up to.

 

And then, in a twinkling, they reached the bridge deck,

Stepped out of the lift and began a quick check.

As they went down the steps and were looking around,

From a nook Spock emerged, barely making a sound.

 

He was all dressed in gray from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with solder and soot.

A bag of components he had in one fist,

And held in the other, a rather long list.

 

His eyes didn't twinkle, his dimples were none,

Yet somehow it looked like he'd been having fun.

His mouth, at one corner, quirked up just a touch,

And one eyebrow lifted, though not by too much.

 

A soldering iron he held in his teeth,

And the smoke from it circled his head like a wreath.

He looked like a man with a task to complete

And nothing would stop him, not rain, snow, nor sleet.

 

His two colleagues stood there, dumbfounded by this.

McCoy chuckled softly; Kirk let out hiss.

The look in Spock's eye and the set of his head

Soon gave them to know he would not go to bed.

 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And tuned all the sensors then turned back to Kirk,

And pressing a button and counting to three,

He lit up the bridge like a huge Christmas Tree.

 

His work done, he nodded, and walked toward the lift

As his friends stared in awe at his luminous gift.

But they heard him exclaim, his voice with good-will rife,

" Merry Christmas! And to you all, Peace and Long Life! "

 

 

 

The Stardate Before Christmas

 

Twas a stardate before Christmas and all through the ship

nothing was moving not even Miles' pips

The phasers were hung in the arsenal that night

in hopes that poor Worf would win just one fight

 

The crewmen were all asleep in their beds

While Data calculated PI in his head

And I, in my ready room, with my eyes all bloodshot

had just settled down to some tea, Earl Grey, hot

 

When out on the main sensors arose such a clatter

you'd have thought that Geordi mixed matter/antimatter

Then what to my wandering eyes should appear

But a man dressed in gold with Spock and his ears

 

He gestured, his mouth opened, but I heard not a word

then slowly, distinctly, his voice could be heard

" Christmas...future...you sure Spock? " , he said almost appalled

" My...God...Spock....Look!.....I've gone bald! "

 

" Logically, sir " , Spock murmured, " It's not all that hard. "

" Captain Kirk, I'd like you to meet Captain Picard. "

" Ah...yes..James T. " , he offered with ease

With hand on his phaser, " We come in Peace "

 

Spock spoke not a word as I went straight to my pin

" Worf, it is time to have your butt kicked, again! "

You see, I wasn't sure if this Kirk was for real

the transporter, you know, had once made him evil

 

While shaking his head with more gestures he made

said over dramatically, " Donotbe.........afraid! "

I jumped to my feet, tugged my shirt as I spoke

" Q, show yourself! Is this some kind of a joke? "

 

" A Joke? An anecdote? A witticism or a humorous pun? "

Spock said, " I think not, Vulcans just aren't that fun. "

He raised an eyebrow, " Picard, we're really not sure "

but we think we've been sent by the ghost of xmas future "

 

Then just when I thought it couldn't get any worse

the silence was broken by a very loud curse

He appeared dressed in blue and his temper was huge

" Dammit, I'm a doctor! I am not a scrooge! "

 

As if that wasn't enough, Worf strolled from the bridge

in his emergency walk and head full of ridge

" A....Klingon! " , Kirk shouted, as Spock grabbed in restraint

but it was too late as Worf started to faint

 

The doctor rushed to his side as Kirk looked down upon him

" He's been frightened, for sure, but he's not dead, Jim! "

With much disgust, I gave a slap of my head

If only, I thought, Tasha weren't dead

 

I confronted the trio and Kirk got a look of surprise

as I asked, " What are you doing here on the Enterprise? "

" This...is...the..Enterprise? " , he asked almost with glee

" Yes, Captain Kirk " , I confirmed, " The Enterprise-D. "

 

" Spock, could it be possible, I've been sent to demand

that I take this Enterprise as my next form of command? "

I'd been holding my anger but it started to slip

" I will not allow you to take over my ship "

 

Kirk's eyes lit up as he said with a smirk

" You won't be around long wearing that red shirt "

" Captain Kirk " , I chuckled, " you really ought to be told "

" The security team here now dresses in gold "

 

The grin came off of his face cause even he had to know

If someone got killed he would be the first to go

Spock quickly interrupted, " Jim, I believe we have been sent

by the apparition of Christmas to show how it might be spent "

 

Kirk looked at him with a puzzling gaze

then back at me in an obvious daze

" Spock....canitbe.....Arewe....stillalive? "

He pondered, " Werewe...ableto.....survive? "

 

" Yes, Spock is here " , I said, " Admiral McCoy, and Mr. Scott, too "

" The writers haven't told us what happened to the rest of your crew "

" I think, sir " Spock continued, " though some of us may be gone "

" The ghost wanted to show that our legacy lives on "

 

Kirk thought for a moment then said " Though we've come far, "

" I see what you mean, Spock, we're still cruising the stars "

" Christmas future will be shaped as we continue to explore "

" Where possibilities are endless and no one has gone before "

 

Then came a power much like a nebula storm

out of a brilliant light stood an alien life form

It gestured at Spock and McCoy, in a flash they beamed out

Now only Kirk stood before me in somewhat of a pout

 

" Captain Picard, It seems that I must go "

All I could say was " Captain Kirk, make it so "

Kirk could be heard as he beamed into a speck

" Merry Christmas to all and keep up the Star Trek "

 

 

 

Credits: Sub Space News (issue #1), John Shaw (The Stardate Before

Christmas) Copyright ©1997 by Bob Yewchuk