Fw: Chi Kung, prison and beauty of life, and dumb jokes

[Guest guest]

--- On Sat, 1/31/09, mystir <ykcul_ritsym wrote:

mystir <ykcul_ritsym

Re: Chi Kung, prison and beauty of life, and dumb jokes

ycmgh

Saturday, January 31, 2009, 8:43 PM

 

 here's a couple jokes for you;

  by the way, (sharing about your prison experience is daring and commendable.)

That was  not so big a deal. I don't play with stuff anymore, even Native

american chuch sacremental peyote, but I was nailed decades ago for moving some

herb around. And some other relatively small 'non-establishment' efforts,

including acupuncture, then.

 What may have made me stick out, or flagged, besides being a visible protestor

I think,  I was also a nuclear refuelling floor technician for a while. Which

means, the guy who during critical path, drives the trolley over the cooling

steamy open reactor tub, in an x-y-z grid, lowers the grabber into the 70 feet

of nuetron water shield, and repositions or replaces the fuel rods as directed,

to get the big boiler back on line for another 18 months. First class, grade,

security; don't go into mexico city or taiwan on off hours, or they're gonna

snatch you stuff.

  I quit, not because there wasn't good people in the industry who believed

someday we would be able to uncontaminate radioactive refuse, they were there.

Some of my teachers, all those years ago, talked how natural fibers don't atract

'hot' specks, and dietary advice that became antioxidant and anti-inflamation

basics. And my electronics teacher was the guy overseeing the prep for the

'enola gay' plane that dropped the atomic bombs on japan. I had mixed feelings

about all this. I felt the capitalism held back cleaner, less centralized

alternate technologies 30 some years ago.

 But as the toaists say, 'the warped tree is the last to be felled, and an

imperfect gem doesn't suffer the jeweler's lathe', I shoulda kept my head down.

eh- so.

 Solitary confinement, overcoming fear with breath, feeling the light in the

dark, and knowing the

holy beings will find you even if you're covered by a mountain. 

 These months, prison populations swell a bit with the homeless committing minor

crime to escape the cold. Sad isn't it?   

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 I know these jokes are a bit stupid, chauvinistic, materialistic etc., a couple

are funny, and laughter is the best medicine, as reader's digest says.

  Positive attitude. The wounds of the victor heal quicker than the wounds of

the defeated.

 

Two guys are out ice fishing, just quietly fishing and drinking beer.

Almost

silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, " I think I'm gonna

divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in two months. "

Earl

continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, " You better

think it over, Bob. A woman like that is hard to find. "

 

A man

stumbles into the front door of bedroom with a duck in his arms. His

wife wakes up, and the man says, " This is the pig I have been sleeping

with. " The wife, now startled, says, " What? That's a duck, not pig! "  

The man responds, " I wasn't talking to you. "

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY

handsome cab driver

won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies:

'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She

answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and

have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear

just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or

ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

 

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have

to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.' The cab driver is very

excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'  'OK' the nun says.

'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a

kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the

road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why

are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm

Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

 

 

A man and wife were in bed one night, both reading, and the wife says

to her husband, " Honey, if I died, would you see other women? "   He

thinks it over and says, " Well, we've been together a long time, but I

guess after a while I would get lonely, so I'd probably see someone. "

" Oh, would she sleep in our bed? " , the woman asked. " I guess so, yes. " , he

replied.

The woman pushes further and asks, " Would she use my golf clubs too? "

" Oh no " , the man said. " She's left handed. "

 

One day in the Garden of Eden, God comes to Adam and Eve

and tells them he has two gifts, one for each of them. The first, he

says, is the ability to pee standing up. Adam starts jumping up and

down excitedly and loudly declares that he wants it. Eve, listening to

him jabbering on and on about it, rolls her eyes and asks God what he

has left for her.

" Multiple orgasms. "

 

The car comes

screeching into the driveway and the woman gets out and runs into the

house. Shouting to her husband " I just won the lottery. Start packing! "

Her husband says " Great news! Should I pack for the beach or the

mountains? " She says " It doesn't matter. Just get out! "

 

A man is

waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the

dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just

a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can,

with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough

for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son

he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest mug of beer for

his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the

bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of

alcohol. Swoooosh!! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then

bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink

again. The patrons chant " Take another drink! " The bartender continues

to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Two arms pop out. The bar

goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink

again. The patrons chant, " Take another drink! Take another drink!! "

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing

glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches

down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs

pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and

tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and

stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door,

into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs

and says, " He should've quit while he was a head! "

 

A mechanic

saw his customer approaching and decided to just give him the bad news.

He said, " You blew a seal. "   The customer replied, " Never mind my

private life! What's wrong with my car? "