A WEEK AT THE GYM

[Guest guest]

A WEEK AT THE GYM

 

If you can read this

without laughing out loud, there may be something seriously wrong with you.

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout

routine

 

 

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased a week of personal

training at the local health club.

 

 

Although I am still in great

shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it

would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a

personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old

aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

 

 

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well

worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He

is something of a Greek god -

with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

 

Christo gave me a tour and showed

me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his

aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching

from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a

FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air

then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,

but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I

feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter

and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in

both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club

members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning

and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,

so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine

to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me

it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit

too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Dummynuts was waiting for me with his

vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long

to tie my shoes.

 

He took me to work out with

dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He

sent some skinny wench to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other

human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic,

little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move

without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

 

Christo wanted me to work on my

triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in

the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a

sandwich.

 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and

nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the

drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice

wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me

want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to

even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank

GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband

will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled

the floor with diamonds!!!

 

 

 

 

=