A gift for the wife please read all - this it is too funny OT

October 15, 2008

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave was caused by. Anyway...I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this l ittle device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side, as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . OH MY WORD!!. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative? IT HURT LIKE EVERYTHING!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

October 23, 2008

Hi Raven thanks for the huge laugh Edith

, " Raven " <NWRaven wrote:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who

purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary

submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that

sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was

looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came

across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect

herself with, right??

>

> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it

home.

> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

> Nothing!

>

> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button

AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the

blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

>

> I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face

of her microwave was caused by.

>

> Anyway...I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself

that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

>

> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently

(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking

that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving

target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of

a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this

thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some

assurance that it would work as advertised.

> Am I wrong?

>

> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second

burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst

was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily

control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant

flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than

three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

>

> All the while I'm looking at this l ittle device measuring about 5'

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, loaded

with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, and thinking to myself, 'no

possible way!'

>

> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my

best...?

>

> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to

one side, as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one

second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that

bad. I decided to give

> myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs

to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . OH MY WORD!!. . .

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

>

> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked

me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over

and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the

fetal position,

> with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,

testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body

in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

>

> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,

clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in

an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the

living room.

>

> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,

one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when

you zap

> yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three

second burst would be considered conservative?

>

> IT HURT LIKE EVERYTHING!!!

>

> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing

at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up

and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel

of the fireplace.

> The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it

originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still

twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my

bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and

my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head,

which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles

and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

>

> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

>

> 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'

>

October 23, 2008

ROTLOLPMP

On Wed, Oct 15, 2008 at 12:18 AM, Raven <NWRaven wrote:

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with, right??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave was caused by. Anyway...I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this l ittle device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really, loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side, as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give

myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . OH MY WORD!!. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HECK!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap

yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE EVERYTHING!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! 'If you think education is difficult, try being stupid.'