Bush Resigns

[Guest guest]

BUSH'S RESIGNATION SPEECH

 

 

 

 

 

 

Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow Americans.'

Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know

who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible

has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

 

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone gets all

in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid

prosecution or something, let me assure you: There's been no breaking

of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

 

 

 

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people. I'm

fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in

the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours.

And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and

figure it out.

 

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians

and the news media.

 

 

 

Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you

are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because

there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a

small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and

beachfront property than your economic security.

 

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this 'blood for oil'

thing. If I were trading blood for oil I would've already seized

Iraq 's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And

don't give me this 'Bush Lied...People Died' crap either. If I were

the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical

weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I

owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.

 

 

 

Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the

goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq

was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named '

Clinton ' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

 

Now some of you morons want to be led by a junior senator with no

understanding of foreign policy or economics, and this nitwit says we

should attack Pakistan , a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go to

Iran and make peace with a terrorist who says he's going to destroy

us. While he's doing that, he wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda,

Afghanistan to the Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your

money to the IRS so the government can give welfare to illegal

aliens, who he will make into citizens, so they can vote to re-elect

him. He also thinks it's okay for Iran to have nuclear weapons, and

we should stop our foreign aid to Israel . Did you sleep through high

school?

 

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back

during the cold war, there were two major competing political and

economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because

fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We

were simply able to out spend and out-tech them.

 

 

 

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't

care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as

long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with

them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you, and the

bastards are all over the globe.

 

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here

in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's

because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence,

military, law enforcement, and homeland security people have worked

to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that

this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many

of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single

season of 'Survivor.'

 

 

 

Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things

through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think

that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

 

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy.

Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation

to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dang it, you

might just as well Fed Ex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It

amounts to the same thing.

 

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all

over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times,

USA Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any

smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol or Dancing with

Stars.

 

I could say more about your expectations that the government will

always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a

city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.

 

 

 

I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your

own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the

conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

 

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford .. I've got an energy-efficient

house down there ( Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be

fu lly se lf-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of Crawford

before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one

will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old

age before the last pillars of America fall.

 

 

 

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means Pelosi is your

new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully,

because I still have a glimmer of hope that there are just enough of

you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2009.

 

So that's it. God bless what's left of America .

 

 

 

Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, kiss off.

 

PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and buy a Koran.

 

 

 

 

 

The above 'speech' was written recently by an ordinary Maine

resident. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in

fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does

not write for a living.

 

 

 

The speech George W. Bush might have given.