Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 I mostly lurk, but have posted from time to time. Just wanted to ask for some prayers for strength and endurance. I may be separating from my husband of almost 28 years. This is scary and my panic/anxiety disorder is reacting (mostly anxiety) plus my stress level is high. My therapist is out for surgery, so I will need to see a subsitute - need to find an anger management class so I quit taking out my repressed anger on my close friends and strangers! I heard the anger in my voice the other day - a complete stranger on the phone. I didn't realize how close to the surface the anger was and how I am misdirecting it. I thought it was still - internalized. Did I mention he's emotionally abusive? I am trying to prioritize what I need to do first as I feel overwhemled. Add to that, we are retired so I have to watch the pennies. I have little privacy to make phone calls whichs adds to all the above, plus I'm pretty isolated as my few friends all work. Some of the other's I can't talk to about this. None, of course know of the abuse plus I don't want to talk about my problems. I need some relief from thinking about it day and night. I've been so upset for weeks now, sleeping OK, some nights better than others .. I haven't kept up with the posts, so I don't know what's going on. I have been praying for those I can remember need prayers, but I have been putting myself first of late. I think of reading the posts to see how my friends on this wonderful list are doing and then turn away from the computer to get away from the house in order to relax a little. The tension is pretty thick!!! But I am blessed, I have my little minature poodle who is such a lovely companion. We play and she makes me laugh but she doesn't know what's going on - so she's also out of sorts. I do have a wonderful daughter who gave me a reality check yesterday. I just wish she weren't so far away in Wisconsin. I know I have rambled and thank you for letting me. Thanks for listening & Hugs, Buffy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Buffy: I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If there is a way you can contact a shelter, then they can help you. Your identity will be protected and they will help you get on your feet. This is a place where you can go and get counseling to help you with anything you need. Also, if there is someone at church you can talk to that may help. You can call the Department of Health (may be listed as something different in your state) and they can help you too. Just remember, you can handle this if you have faith in yourself. Now, your poodle, may not know what is going on, but he/she does know you are upset and can relate to your feelings. They have more sense than people give them credit for. They are amazing little animals. Our Precious doesn't know she isn't human. Just love on your pet and take comfort from that. I really don't know if I have helped, but maybe just letting you know you'll be in my thoughts and prayers will give you some encouragement. Take one day at a time. Blessings, Debbie Alabama - buffywonder1 Monday, September 27, 2004 09:26 AM OT- Time Out - Life in Turmoil I mostly lurk, but have posted from time to time. Just wanted to ask for some prayers for strength and endurance. I may be separating from my husband of almost 28 years. This is scary and my panic/anxiety disorder is reacting (mostly anxiety) plus my stress level is high. My therapist is out for surgery, so I will need to see a subsitute - need to find an anger management class so I quit taking out my repressed anger on my close friends and strangers! I heard the anger in my voice the other day - a complete stranger on the phone. I didn't realize how close to the surface the anger was and how I am misdirecting it. I thought it was still - internalized. Did I mention he's emotionally abusive? I am trying to prioritize what I need to do first as I feel overwhemled. Add to that, we are retired so I have to watch the pennies. I have little privacy to make phone calls whichs adds to all the above, plus I'm pretty isolated as my few friends all work. Some of the other's I can't talk to about this. None, of course know of the abuse plus I don't want to talk about my problems. I need some relief from thinking about it day and night. I've been so upset for weeks now, sleeping OK, some nights better than others .. I haven't kept up with the posts, so I don't know what's going on. I have been praying for those I can remember need prayers, but I have been putting myself first of late. I think of reading the posts to see how my friends on this wonderful list are doing and then turn away from the computer to get away from the house in order to relax a little. The tension is pretty thick!!! But I am blessed, I have my little minature poodle who is such a lovely companion. We play and she makes me laugh but she doesn't know what's going on - so she's also out of sorts. I do have a wonderful daughter who gave me a reality check yesterday. I just wish she weren't so far away in Wisconsin. I know I have rambled and thank you for letting me. Thanks for listening & Hugs, Buffy Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal Preserves: http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the following link: /join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry you've had to go through such. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. Blessings, Debbie Alabama - Carol Pearce Monday, September 27, 2004 12:40 PM Re: OT- Time Out - Life in Turmoil Buffy, I am so very sorry ... my husband also is emotionally abusive, he decided tell me that he didn't love me and wanted out of the marraige on valentines day 2000, when I was 6 months pregnant with our son. He refused to leave the home ( and for the next three years, I had to listen to him laughing on the phone with his girlfriend.) He finally moved out in Jan of this year, but left empty condom boxes and love letters from his girlfriend. He takes the kids every other weekend, and when he brings them home, I can count on finding some of his girlfriends laundry or her daughters in the bag. I still love him and it hurts like hell. We were married for 17 years, so I can relate to what your going through. If you ever need to chat, vent, whatever.. email me offline, cjpearce You don't need to feel alone. Carol Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal Preserves: http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the following link: /join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 I've been in your shoes and didn't like it either. My first ex was emotionally abusive and the second was emotionally & physically abusive. I know that no matter how much you may want a divorce, it still won't be easy. You can contact me anytime you feel a need to at either paulacoon or at paula Paula ........in Michigan Coming soon Farm Fresh Soaps & Candles paula - buffywonder1 Monday, September 27, 2004 10:26 AM OT- Time Out - Life in Turmoil I mostly lurk, but have posted from time to time. Just wanted to ask for some prayers for strength and endurance. I may be separating from my husband of almost 28 years. This is scary and my panic/anxiety disorder is reacting (mostly anxiety) plus my stress level is high. My therapist is out for surgery, so I will need to see a subsitute - need to find an anger management class so I quit taking out my repressed anger on my close friends and strangers! I heard the anger in my voice the other day - a complete stranger on the phone. I didn't realize how close to the surface the anger was and how I am misdirecting it. I thought it was still - internalized. Did I mention he's emotionally abusive? I am trying to prioritize what I need to do first as I feel overwhemled. Add to that, we are retired so I have to watch the pennies. I have little privacy to make phone calls whichs adds to all the above, plus I'm pretty isolated as my few friends all work. Some of the other's I can't talk to about this. None, of course know of the abuse plus I don't want to talk about my problems. I need some relief from thinking about it day and night. I've been so upset for weeks now, sleeping OK, some nights better than others .. I haven't kept up with the posts, so I don't know what's going on. I have been praying for those I can remember need prayers, but I have been putting myself first of late. I think of reading the posts to see how my friends on this wonderful list are doing and then turn away from the computer to get away from the house in order to relax a little. The tension is pretty thick!!! But I am blessed, I have my little minature poodle who is such a lovely companion. We play and she makes me laugh but she doesn't know what's going on - so she's also out of sorts. I do have a wonderful daughter who gave me a reality check yesterday. I just wish she weren't so far away in Wisconsin. I know I have rambled and thank you for letting me. Thanks for listening & Hugs, Buffy Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal Preserves: http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the following link: /join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Hi Buffy, I know alot of us here can relate to your situation in some form. I read your post and thought first wow you are in a time of great turmoil, but please read all of the positive things you wrote: you recognize your fear and anxiety and your need for help on anger and the fact that you need a professional for this, to me this is a good thing, you are facing separation from what has become 28 years of history and thats hard, but love doesn't hurt and anyone who feels the need to control another doesn't now how to love properly, in time maybe you will realize that it is your husband who has a problem, you recognize the joy of your daughter and your poodle- your strong even when you fall down -remember -you are taking steps to better your life, be proud of yourself!!!!!! Hugs Gea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Hi Buffy, I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Do what you have to when it comes to taking care of yourself. After 28 years of abusive head trips sometimes its hard to get a clear view of the road to travel. Know that you have friends who are here for you, and if you ever need someone to talk to don't hesitate to give a holler *hugs* Chris (list mom) http://www.alittleolfactory.com Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Buffy - You are one brave soul. Many people sadly stay with the fear they know (the abusive situation in too many cases) rather than face the fear of the new and the unknown. Thank goodness for your poodle. An animal's unconditional love - and believe me your pet would not give you that if it were not reciprocated - is just the validation we need sometimes. Remember to live each day for that day. As the wisdom goes: the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time or getting to the top of the mountain starts with the first step. There will be many more days when you are overwhelmed than there will be days when you will feel ambivalent at best. But know this: stay the course and the days of being overwhelmed will become far fewer. Holding you up to the light Dale Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Buffy, I am so very sorry ... my husband also is emotionally abusive, he decided tell me that he didn't love me and wanted out of the marraige on valentines day 2000, when I was 6 months pregnant with our son. He refused to leave the home ( and for the next three years, I had to listen to him laughing on the phone with his girlfriend.) He finally moved out in Jan of this year, but left empty condom boxes and love letters from his girlfriend. He takes the kids every other weekend, and when he brings them home, I can count on finding some of his girlfriends laundry or her daughters in the bag. I still love him and it hurts like hell. We were married for 17 years, so I can relate to what your going through. If you ever need to chat, vent, whatever.. email me offline, cjpearce You don't need to feel alone. Carol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 OH, I'm ok...Don't worry about me..I just feel so bad for Buffy...and wanted her to know that if anyone can relate , it's me..:-) Carol > Oh, Carol, I'm so sorry you've had to go through such. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Hi Buffy, I had a hubby like that once. He is the father of 2 of my daughters. I got out but it was hard. In the end he got half my salon and half my house. He didn't put a penny towards the house or my business but to get rid of him it was worth giving up half of every thing I had. To fight him would have drug things out even longer. A house, a salon , those are only material things, not even all that important . My kids deserved better and to be in a peaceful loving home. It was really scary to take those first few steps but I found that with each step it was easier. And a few little vengeful thoughts and laughs with my friends made it better too. My hubby had a cheap girlfriend who had a child close to the same age as mine. I bought my children's clothes from nice stores and would send them on their " father " visits dressed nicely UNTIL his girlfriend would take my children's clothes and return my kids dressed in ugly worn out cheap clothing from her child. 2 can play that game, right ? So started sending them in the clothes he brought them back to me in from the visit before. His Mother called me and asked me why I sent the kids dressed so badly so I told her. LOL She put an end to his cheap girlfriend stealing my children's clothes. But the funniest thing was he called me when she came up pregnant and he wanted my help !!!!! Life can be sweet even in the ruff times. Did I help him ??? Heck NO !! It took me 6 years to get past the anger of everything he had done to me. I didn't want to make another man pay for what my ex had done so I had to drop all the rocks and get past it. Also I had to learn who I was and how to be alone and enjoy it. Then I met the right man for me and have been married now for almost 19 years. Of all things I met him at a salon I was working in ! lol We became a team and that is what has made this marriage so good. 2 trees should stand together and grow stronger. If one tree takes over all the sun it grows and leaves the other tree to wither. Buffy best of luck to you and be strong girl !! You can do it ! Take that first step. If you need to vent you can email me any time. I have been there and understand what you are feeling. Believe me in a few months you will look back and ask yourself what you ever saw in him and why did it take you so long to walk away. I look at my ex now and giggle because he has really big ears that I didn't notice back in the day !!! lol He could fill in for Dumbo ! Hugs, Sally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Dear Buffy, Do you have any rose eo? It will help with your problems and especially with anger management. I know because I have seen rose work miracles in less than 5 minutes on someone who was very angry. I was surprised at the rose's effectiveness. It will also help with your anxiety and depression and helplessness. I am new to the group and I have enjoyed reading the many emails that have come in the last few days. I have been involved with aromatherapy for over 20 years and in business for about 15. I teach as help as make my own products. Take care and have a great week! Rhavda Emison www.scentsof success.com Texas Grown Texas Made American Vibration Rose Oil (I hope that this is an ok signature to sign, if not I will change it next time) >I mostly lurk, but have posted from time to time. Just wanted to ask >for some prayers for strength and endurance. I may be separating >from my husband of almost 28 years. This is scary and my >panic/anxiety disorder is reacting (mostly anxiety) plus my stress >level is high. My therapist is out for surgery, so I will need to >see a subsitute - need to find an anger management class so I quit >taking out my repressed anger on my close friends and strangers! I >heard the anger in my voice the other day - a complete stranger on >the phone. I didn't realize how close to the surface the anger was >and how I am misdirecting it. I thought it was still - internalized. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 27, 2004 Report Share Posted September 27, 2004 Ohhhh - I am sooo sorry anyone is going through this kind of pain and anguish, in this case, especially women. When will we learn our value as women, as mothers, girlfriends, wives, HUMAN BEINGS? We are not less then, we do not count less then, we are equal to - if not, we have to go back and remember that no one has the right to make us feel inferior in any way. Get into a great support group and learn self-esteem and just how valuable you are as a human being just because you exist. Namaste, Lynette Terralyn at the Terminal, Philadelphia, PA lynettemanteau --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.580 / Virus Database: 367 - Release 2/6/2004 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2004 Report Share Posted September 28, 2004 Hi Buffy Well this is a been there done that thing for me. I too was married for 28 years when " we " decided that it is as much fun as any two people can have. That was 10 years ago. And after 10 years I can look back and say " our time was over " . However, that didn't happen over night. It took time, and it will take time for you too, but it will happen if you allow it. If you live any where near St Louis, there is a wonderful program sponsored by the Older Womens League (OWL). They have a divorce support group that is especially designed for women experiencing divorce after 20 years. I went through their program and then went on to work with other women. Some of the women wanted to get on with their lives and started doing just that. And then there were women that wanted to wallow in self pity. I can tell from your posting you are one who wants to gather up herself and get on with her life. And you will. Yes it is VERY scary, but you can do it. If you live in a town of any size there are programs to help you as you rediscover yourself. I have a (now funny) story on my self about anger -- you'll see your not alone in this. We owned rental property in FL at the time and the day I move my ex called the property manager and told her to sell it. She had never spoken to my ex so she called me and asked what this was about, which I told her. She sold the property and sent him the paper work, which I needed to sign. He waited until the last day to call me and tell me that they needed to be signed and would I drive a hr to his bank to sign them and of course I said no and made him drive an hr to my bank --ticked him off-- when we got to the bank I sat and read the whole thing (most of which I didn't understand) but I wanted to make him wait. When I got back to my apt. the only person who was around was a guy that I had only seen in the parking lot, so I went to his apt, knocked on his door and told him I was going to yell at him and not take it personally. So I did and at one point I even hit his arm. He just took it. I guess I'm saying not to worry about the anger thing to much, its normal and its not healthy to hold it in. Get yourself a good lawyer (my ex had to pay for mine and it cost him a LOT). Keep going to therapy and know there are a whole lot of friends on this list that will be glad to listen (you are welcome to write me off line if you would like too -- ritabohn2001). Hang in there girlfriend -- we'll get you through this Rita P.S. There was a TV program on last night about a middle aged women who was divorced and she has a line at the end that was something about the best revenge is to have a good life -- and its true. P.SS If your husband is the father of your daughter, remember that she is going through a lot too. All that she has know and belived is being shattered too. It is very hard on adult children, because they are the children of the people who are getting divorced. buffywonder1 <buffywonder wrote: I mostly lurk, but have posted from time to time. Just wanted to ask for some prayers for strength and endurance. I may be separating from my husband of almost 28 years. This is scary and my panic/anxiety disorder is reacting (mostly anxiety) plus my stress level is high. My therapist is out for surgery, so I will need to see a subsitute - need to find an anger management class so I quit taking out my repressed anger on my close friends and strangers! I heard the anger in my voice the other day - a complete stranger on the phone. I didn't realize how close to the surface the anger was and how I am misdirecting it. I thought it was still - internalized. Did I mention he's emotionally abusive? I am trying to prioritize what I need to do first as I feel overwhemled. Add to that, we are retired so I have to watch the pennies. I have little privacy to make phone calls whichs adds to all the above, plus I'm pretty isolated as my few friends all work. Some of the other's I can't talk to about this. None, of course know of the abuse plus I don't want to talk about my problems. I need some relief from thinking about it day and night. I've been so upset for weeks now, sleeping OK, some nights better than others .. I haven't kept up with the posts, so I don't know what's going on. I have been praying for those I can remember need prayers, but I have been putting myself first of late. I think of reading the posts to see how my friends on this wonderful list are doing and then turn away from the computer to get away from the house in order to relax a little. The tension is pretty thick!!! But I am blessed, I have my little minature poodle who is such a lovely companion. We play and she makes me laugh but she doesn't know what's going on - so she's also out of sorts. I do have a wonderful daughter who gave me a reality check yesterday. I just wish she weren't so far away in Wisconsin. I know I have rambled and thank you for letting me. Thanks for listening & Hugs, Buffy Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal Preserves: http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the following link: /join Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2004 Report Share Posted September 28, 2004 Chris, Thank you!! I'm trying hard to get a good view of that road -- but I know it's a day by day view. I just can't do it all at once. My self-esteem is at the bottom of the barrel, and I question each decision I make, however I am taking some positive steps to get through this. This list has the most wonderful people on it, which was why I knew I could talk to all of the friends here. I have tears running down my cheek as I am answering all of you. I'm emailing in. I hope my replies reach the list. Hugs, Buffy Chris (list mom) I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. Do what you have to when it comes to taking care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 28, 2004 Report Share Posted September 28, 2004 Hi Gea, I knew there would be some people who could relate -- this list is so large and friendly and we come from all walks of life, ages, interests, backgrounds, and experiences. I don't think the counselor's office was open when I posted to the list yesterday and I had such a need to relieve the pressure valve some. You have said some of the very same things my therapist said yesterday. How insightful you are! What a gift! It helps so much to have other people validate what the professionals are telling me. (I hope that came out right.) I'm so used to having to hold everything inside that I don't express myself well, especially when it comes to thanking people for their understanding and taking the time to help someone they hardly know. My realization of his dominance and abusiveness had been coming to light for a quite a while. I have been in Marriage Counseling for 6 months and then this lashing out a week ago. I did a lot of hard thinking since then and things are becoming more clear. Having to contend with the anxiety and fear that are increasing the stress here, is difficult and scary, but that would be normal for anyone in this situation. I have a tendency to attribute my emotions strictly to the disorder and I forget they are " normal anxiety and fear. " I also have contacted an Anger Management Group to get some support for my anger which is just at the top of my throat, ready to explode and spew. Hugs, Buffy I know alot of us here can relate to your situation in some form. I read your post and thought first wow you are in a time of great turmoil, but please read all of the positive things you wrote: you Hugs Gea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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