OT: Letting Go of Loved Ones ** Flower Martinis

June 12, 2004

Hey Chris, Nancy, other good folks .. :-)

> Dear Chris,

> This is so nice of you to think of.

> I'm so sorry to read about your Grandmother.

> Although you didn't get to see her before she passed on,

> know she will always be with you. Remember the good times.

That's the important part .. as I wrote to Chris off line. Her Grandma

was very sick .. suffered greatly and with no hope for relief .. so her

passing was a real blessing for her and a sad relief for those who were

forced to remain behind.

I can also understand Mrs. Reagan's mixed feelings in this regard ..

those of us who watched her face closely during yesterdays ceremonies

could see those mixed feelings .. and even though she knew in her mind

that her Ronnie's death was for the best for him it was still very

difficult to let go.

I understand this because less than two years ago I experienced the same

feelings. Up to around 77 years old my Mother was a perfect picture of

health .. never got sick .. BP ran 120/80 as a matter of routine. Then

Alzheimers struck. Living overseas I only got to see her twice a year

but my children were seeing her more often and they could note a big

difference .. I missed it the first couple of trips though I wondered

why she had stopped paying attention to gardening and other physical

activities and had begun to devote all her spare time to cross word

puzzles and pouring over the Bible .. she knew then that she had a

problem and was doing all she could to fix it by exercising her mind.

At around age 79 she had given up the cross word puzzles though she

still poured over the Bible daily .. and she had begun to forget to eat

and to pay bills. Then she drove to the Post Office in the small town

of 1,250 people .. where she had lived for 50 or so years .. and forgot

the way back home. I came home and arranged for her to live in a very

nice assisted care facility .. she had her own room and most of her own

possessions. By that time she had begun to deny that she had a problem

so in addition to it being a tough call on my part, my actions did NOT

please my mother. But after 6 months or so she had but vague memory of

leaving the home she had lived in for sooooooo long ... and she had

convinced herself that the new home was home.

At around age 81 + she could not remember any events of the day but

could still thrill her grandchildren with tales of the past .. and tales

about me that I couldn't remember. During one visit she wanted me to

take her to the home we lived in when I was born .. on West Lawn Drive

in Nashville. I had no idea how to find it but she told me she could ..

so we went. This was 50 + years after we had left the place .. and

Nashville had changed its face .. and roads. She said she would know

the house and Emma Lovell lived just across the road and she wanted to

see Emma. So we went, and she piloted, and we found West Lawn Drive ..

and damned if Emma Lovell was not still living in the house across the

road .. Emma was in her early 90s then.

During that time the nurses in the facility told me that Mother was the

peacemaker in the home .. she settled lots of spats with her kindness

and equal treatment of both parties .. sort of the unofficial Sheriff

there. Folks were saying to others things like, " You better be nice or

I'll call Miss Marjorie. " ;-)

Within another year she was becoming confused as to who was who. She

had names but couldn't connect them to faces .. except for mine and my

ex-wife .. the only exceptions. She confused her brother's photo with

her father's and her dead husband's. And said she wanted to go back

home because everybody was waiting for her .. on West Lawn Drive.

Then she lost most of her memory .. started spending the day in bed ..

didn't eat enough to keep a bird alive. Six months before she died I

went to see her again and she didn't recognize me .. but she recognized

the photo of the younger person in uniform beside her bed .. it was me.

Within a month of returning to Turkey my children told me she had taken

a big turn and was sick daily .. and a couple of weeks later she died.

She had gone back home .. to West Lawn Drive.

I remember her from the sunny days and I'm happy that I didn't see her

during the last months of darkness in her life. And I'm happy that she

never got to that point some do of becoming hostile .. she remained as

sweet as ever .. worrying about causing problems for the nurses .. not

about herself. She was buried in our little country church cemetery ..

around 70 miles from the assisted care facility .. and a good part of

the staff from the facility showed up. I was told that this was highly

unusual and that is very important to me and my memories of Mother.

I guess my point in this drawn out post is that though our brain tells

us its time to let go its never easy for the heart to accept .. we must

try to use logic instead of emotion and corral concerns of not " losing "

someone we have already lost in their present state .. and when the only

benefit of them hanging on is to us.

IF we are the primary caregiver that is easier to do. Most of us are

not qualified to give that care .. as much as we want to we can't give

the BEST care in these cases. If we are (as I was) one who comes and

goes .. we might feel guilt for not being there .. I went through it.

But that is illogical .. Mother didn't know me .. and she was certainly

not living a good life .. its a miserable existence when we don't care

about eating or walking or talking with others .. when we spend all our

time in bed and live inside whatever " reality " our mind has created ..

as President Bush said .. looking through a glass darkly.

I'm happy that I did not see my Mother in the last days .. I've told

Chris off line the same thing about her Grandma .. she understands.

I am sure that Mrs. Reagan knows how we feel too. Our memories of the

loved ones who have departed this world must be of the sunny days and

not those days that worked to steal them from us and themselves.

Y'all keep smiling. :-) Butch

> Hugs Nancy

>

> Here's a toast with flowers and happiness to those who've recently

> passed, including my Grandma, my cousin, Teresea's loved one, Ronald

> Reagan, Ray Charles, our brave soldiers, and to all those who've

> passed some time ago too (including my dad, and other loved ones of

> everyone).

>

> Have a great weekend folks! Celebrate life - yours, those who've

> come before you and those who will come long after you're gone!

June 13, 2004

Good Morning Butch,

You sure said this nice. Its so hard to see someone suffering.

The time comes when you are just praying for it to be over.

Yet yes its a sad relief.

I agree with you about Chris not getting there in time to see her

alive. That would have been a sad memory.

Now like you, she can remember the good, better times.

So often its better that way.

Nancy

Hey Chris, Nancy, other good folks .. :-)

That's the important part .. as I wrote to Chris off line. Her Grandma

was very sick .. suffered greatly and with no hope for relief .. so

her passing was a real blessing for her and a sad relief for those who

were forced to remain behind.

I can also understand Mrs. Reagan's mixed feelings in this regard

... those of us who watched her face closely during yesterdays

ceremonies could see those mixed feelings .. and even though she knew in

her mind that her Ronnie's death was for the best for him it was still very

difficult to let go.

I understand this because less than two years ago I experienced the

same feelings. Up to around 77 years old my Mother was a perfect

picture of health .. never got sick .. BP ran 120/80 as a matter of routine.

Then Alzheimers struck. Living overseas I only got to see her twice a

year but my children were seeing her more often and they could note a

big difference .. I missed it the first couple of trips though I

wondered why she had stopped paying attention to gardening and other

physical activities and had begun to devote all her spare time to cross word

puzzles and pouring over the Bible .. she knew then that she had a

problem and was doing all she could to fix it by exercising her

mind.